Patriots must wage war to be true ‘dynasty’

By John Breneman

The
big question — now that the New England Patriots secured
the third Super Bowl victory in four years 24-21 over the
Philadelphia Eagles — is whether the team can legitimately
be called a "dynasty."

Every football fan has endured seeing this question posed
dozens of times on TV over the last couple days. But most
geopolitical football analysts agree that a team cannot truly
be called a dynasty until it takes over a couple small countries
and contributes something significant to the betterment of
human culture.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, of course, seized Honduras and Guatemala
in a daring daylight offensive in 1978, sacking two dictators
and installing Mean Joe Greene as a menacing Minister of Defense
whose Terrible Towel-based economy brought a period of prosperity.

The San Francisco 49ers needed only 1:57 to march the length
of Liberia in 1985 and successfully convert much of West Africa
to a West Coast offense.

The Green Bay Packers, led by Gen. Vince Lombardi and aerial
ace Bart Starr, easily plundered Greenland in 1963 and protected
the frozen tundra there from intruders for two decades while
building athletic academies and introducing the practice of
wearing cheese wedges upon the head.

But the brash Dallas Cowboys dynasty of the 1990s crumbled
when Jerry Jones tried to expand his "America’s Team"
empire with a disastrous bid to acquire Mexico and Colombia.

So do the Patriots qualify for a dynasty under the seemingly
benevolent Bob Kraft regime?

Let’s just say we’ll be better equipped to answer that question
once gridiron strategist Bill Belichik sends Bruschi and the
boys over to bum rush Iraq, intercept Iran, and install an
efficient ball-control democracy.