Pitt split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse

By
John Breneman

Hollywood is abuzz with insipid wordplay in response to the
tragic news that the Pitts have called it quits.

There are many theories on what caused the Aniston-Pitt split.
Some say Jen was seen frolicking with a handsome Brit. Or
that Brad pined for a little Pitt, a son to play catch with
his little Pitt mitt. Some say it was Jen’s inability to knit,
but others say this didn’t bug Pitt one bit.

Did he prefer to stand while she liked to sit? Did she hate
to expectorate while he liked to spit? Did he call her a nitwit
and she threw a fit?

Whatever the case, the Pitt split seems legit. Or is it too
early to write the couple’s obit? The mega-super-duper-couple
seemed so close-knit, but in the end was it just a bad fit?
And why, why oh why, do we give half a shit?

The split has caused millions to pause and sit, weep a bit,
even fall to their knees and mourn Aniston-Pitt. So sad, and
yet sadder still to admit, tsunami survivors have been particularly
hard hit.

The Brad-Jen armageddon is cruel, this is true. But they,
and we too, will surely pull through. We’ll reflect on these
stars, how our lives they once lit, while subsisting on rations
from our Pitt Split Survival Kit.*

*A source close to the publicist for Brad Pitt’s personal
assistant’s limousine driver said the Pitt Split Survival
Kit contains:

— a DVD of the "Friends" episode featuring guest
star Brad Pitt
— a mock People magazine cover proclaiming Aniston-Pitt offspring
"Sexiest Infant Alive"
— two "I (Heart) Brad and Jen" T-shirts
— 8×10 photos of the couple "canoodling" during
happier times
— one "Death to Angelina Jolie" voodoo doll

Related
story:
Aniston tops list of "50 Most
Beautiful People" (April 30)