New
Year’s resolution:
kick Pez addiction

By John Breneman

This year I resolve to give up Fritos, Doritos, Cheetos,
Tostitos and refried burritos; no more succumbing to inner
snack-food libidos. In fact I hope to eschew all products
in the tasty but fattening -eatos food group.

I am also determined to lick my $1.99/week Pez addiction.
But I would be even more pleased if President Bush were able
kick his $1 billion/week war habit.

And I am seriously considering making a vow to think about
whether to maybe make some hardish decisions about the potential
need to possibly become somewhat less indecisive. Maybe.

A word of advice. In 2005 you will definitely want to avoid
carbs, cholesterol and all cancer-causing carcinogens. Also
CAT scans, cockfights and cardiac smackdowns. Basically anything
that starts with a "C."

Now, here — recommended by my crack team of leading experts
— are some handy tips on other key things to avoid in 2005:

— Getting punched in the face
— Becoming "just another statistic"
— Poison blowgun darts
— People who stink
— Tapeworms
— Identity thieves
— Hidden charges
— Roaming fees
— Rude awakenings
— Elephantitis
— Cerebral bypass surgery
— Rotten apples, sour grapes and manufacturers’ lemons

You might say the road to self-improvement is rich in carbon
monoxide. Try the book "101 Ways to Rid Yourself of Unsightly
Ugliness and Excess Hate." Changed my life. Other must-reads:
"Duct Tape Dogma," "Mapping the Human Genome
for Fun and Profit" and "The Da Vinci Diet."