President pumps petroleum plan

By
John Breneman

Stating that America will run out of gas by 2041 if we do
not act now, President Bush last night unveiled an Energy
Security reform plan that gives people the option of establishing
personal petroleum accounts.

The nation forgot to have an energy strategy for the last
few decades so "now we find ourselves in the fix we’re
in," the president explained during a rare press conference.
He said as soon as he heard Americans were worried about high
gas prices he invited the Saudi
prince out to his ranch to talk about reducing our
dependence on foreign sources of oil.

Bush’s own quest for black gold began shortly after college
when he bummed some capital off his dad’s pals and started
an oil company called Arbusto.
But his drills came up dry and the thing went busto. Energy
analysts say it is too early to tell if his military drilling
of Iraq will yield dividends.

President Bush also used the news conference to remind people
of his controversial plan to fix
Social Security by funneling tons of funds to Wall
Street.

Asked for his view on the role of faith in American politics,
President Bush said each individual’s relationship with his
or her SUV is "a personal matter."

A White House spokesman gave the president’s performance
high marks, except for the part where he accidentally
distanced himself from powerful right-wing religious fanatics.

Related story:
Jon
Stewart explains Social Security reform