Have a Jalapeno Coke and a smile
By
John Breneman
The makers of Coca-Cola report that Jalapeno Coke has become
so popular they are now working on other new flavors of the
world’s most popular soft drink.
"Three out of four hard-core soda junkies say they enjoy
zesty, five-alarm Jalapeno Coke," said Coca-Cola spokesman
Marlin Fizzwater, adding, "Consumers will be happy to
know that Jalapeno Coke has 10% more potassium benzoate and
a pinch more phosphoric acid than the other leading brand."
Industry insiders report that if sales of Jalapeno Coke continue
to be brisk, the company, which introduced Cherry Coke in
1985, will move forward with plans to launch a Chocolate Coke
and a decadently carbonated Strawberry Short-Coke.
Also in the works are a trendy Coca-Colatté and a
briny, pickle-flavored soda called Vlassic Coke. Still in
the research-and-development stage are: Garlic Coke, Diet
Lima Bean Coke and Genuine Maine Lobster Coke.
Coca-Cola, invented in 1886 by Dr. John Stith Pemberton of
Atlanta, was first marketed as a "brain and nerve tonic."
Its popularity grew throughout the 20th century with such
colorful marketing slogans as "The Pause That Refreshes"
(1929), "It’s the Real Thing" (1970) and "Things
Go Better With the World’s Favorite Multinational Beverage
Conglomerate" (2001).
One of Coke’s selling points is its nostalgic appeal as it
harks back to the drugstore soda fountains of decades gone
by. The lure of nostalgia also has high-level Coke pushers
thinking about reintroducing one of the beverage’s original
ingredients — cocaine — in a controversial new inner-city
soda called Crack!
However, Coke officials reportedly have scrapped plans for
at least two new beverages: 97% of test subjects succumbed
to severe gastric discomfort after consuming Coke-e.Coli,
and soft drink researchers in Central Africa reported few
survivors in taste tests of Ebola-Cola.
Meanwhile,
longtime cola drinkers are bubbling with excitement over the
next wave of Coca-Cola and Coke byproducts.
"Personally, I can hardly wait for them to come out
with that new Nacho Cheese-Flavored Coke everybody’s been
talking about," said Joe Sixpack, 24, of Aspartame, Oregon.
"I’m Coke man. I’d pay good money for any flavor they
put out — Tuna Coke, Asparagus Coke, Pineapple Upside-Down
Coke — you name it. I’ve been hooked ever since I popped
my first Cherry Coke back in ’87."
The soft drink maker, which is also said to be tinkering
with an all-natural Tofu Coke, has long touted the soft drink’s
therapeutic effects.
"The health benefits of guzzling 2-liter jugs of Coke
are well-documented," said Dr. Pepper, a pop culture
specialist with the Sprite Foundation.
Coca-Cola shareholders, he said, are also very excited about
a new Coke formula that burns unsightly fat cells, relieves
stress and makes you forget that you are paying a $1-$2 for
a couple mouthfuls of brown carbonated water that costs less
than one-tenth of a penny to make.