Rolling Fossils
announce world tour

By John Breneman

The Rolling Stones, affectionately known as the Rolling Fossils,
have announced plans for a worldwide "Rock the Hospice"
tour opening Aug. 21 at Fenway Park and marking the first
time the Stones have played Boston since 1918.

In a related development, archaeologists have unearthed evidence
that the band, originally thought to have formed in London
in the mid-20th century, actually were created by geologic
forces during the waning days of the Neolithic Era.

Rock historians are ecstatic over the discovery, reportedly
a Stone Age fossil bearing the impression of a giant set of
human lips with a tongue sticking out.

Also found at the scene, several flint guitar picks and a
sheath of woolly mammoth skin with the lyrics to the Stones
hit "Monkey Man," now being interpreted as a biting
musical commentary on mankind’s evolution from Neanderthal
to Cro-Magnon.

The discoveries suggest that wrinkly frontman Mick Jagger,
until recently thought to be 61 years old, is actually closer
to 6,100. Nevertheless, the cocky, Viagara-popping rocker was
recently named "Sexiest Sexagenarian Alive" by AARP
magazine.

The Stones (also known as "Their Arthritic Majesties")
have updated many of their best-loved songs to reflect their
advanced age. The following is a partial list of old favorites
the band is expected to play.