Rove:
‘You’ll never take me alive’

By
John Breneman

White House senior adviser Karl Rove escaped indictment today,
tearing out of Washington D.C. before dawn in a black-windowed
sedan.

He is considered armed and drunk, possibly hopped up on heroin
or OxyContin, and was last seen heading for an undisclosed
location accompanied by his beloved pet wolverine.

Rove is believed to be in possession of a small arsenal of
biological weapons and a black attaché case containing
nuclear missile buttons labeled "Syria," "North
Korea," "Iran" and "All of the Above."

The Humor Gazette’s roving reporter cornered Rove outside
an Arlington, Virginia, liquor store and was able to snap
a mugshot of the disheveled deputy chief of staff.

Asked for a comment, Rove emitted a guttural growling sound
and began shredding unidentified documents with his razor-sharp
teeth.

Some Democrats believe Rove ought to be given an opportunity
to cut a deal in exchange for sensitive information about
whose idea it was to drag the nation into an unnecessary war
based on bogus claims about Saddam Hussein’s infamous, and
imaginary, weapons of mass destruction. However, sources say
White House counsel Harriet Miers has advised Rove to keep
his mouth shut.

Editor’s Note: Technically, Rove has not been indicted
yet. But our high-ranking imaginary sources "indicate"
that he still might be, so we felt it was important to break
the news before any actual indictment. If any of the above
information turns out to be wrong, we will be sure to publish
a correction sometime next week. Look for it on Page 92, down
there in the corner next to the ad for Triple Action Gold
Bond Powder.

In a related development, vice presidential henchman G. Gordon
"Scooter" Libby, facing an indictment later today,
led police on a three-state, high-speed chase in a white Ford
Bronco before being subdued with a tranquilizer dart.