Mich.
sexagenarian named
‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ 2005

The Humor Gazette has named Bertha Monroe of Battle Creek,
Michigan, "Sexiest Woman Alive" for 2005.

This sexy sexagenarian — a former burlesque dancer and mother
of 15 who subsists largely on tequila, grilled cheese and
Jell-O shots — is still swinging at age 69. Her turn-ons
include quilting and world peace.

Sources say juicy Jessica
Biel — just named "Sexiest Alive ’05" by
Esquire — is steamed about being snubbed by the Gazette,
whose coveted honor comes with 15 seconds of vacuous, fawning
media coverage and a two-year supply of Crest teeth-whitening
strips.

Biel, featured this month on the cover of the Readers Digest
swimsuit edition, has already been named "Sexiest Woman
Alive" for 2005 by Good Housekeeping, U.S. News &
World Report and Cigar Aficionado,

In other "sexy" news:
— The American Kennel Club just announced its "Sexiest
Bitch Alive" for 2005 is a curvaceous black lab named
Candee.

— A 2,400-pound behemoth known as Mr. Whiskers has been
named "Sexiest Manatee Alive" by the Save the Manatee
Foundation.

—
And, Tom
DeLay has been named "Sexiest
Defrocked House Majority Leader Alive" by both
Time and Newsweek.

Related story:
People
mag names top 50 pretty people