Shop and awe

Despite scattered reports of violence, U.S. shoppers sustained
minimal casualties during the first few days of the holiday
shopping blitz that began last Friday.

But rampant consumerism turned deadly at a Wal-Mart in Kentucky
yesterday when two shoppers were slain by a heavily armed
Robosapien, a remote-control robot that is one of this year’s
hottest gifts. Police are trying to determine whether the
toy acted alone or was operated by a disgruntled human.

The death toll now stands at three — a Texas tot was crushed
by a giant SpongeBob SquarePants — but analysts say it could
climb as determined consumers battle for coveted items under
the pressure of a Dec. 25 deadline.

The annual battle to purchase material goods for Jesus’s
birthday began the day after Thanksgiving (aka Black Friday)
with a coordinated pre-dawn assault on the nation’s retailers.

Bargain-hunting consumers coast-to-coast mobbed the nearest
Wal-Mart and mauled their local malls, displaying a fierce
Toys R Us vs. Them mentality while doing an estimated $80
billion in damage to their bank accounts. Authorities say
some of the heaviest skirmishes took place at strife-torn
Circuit City.

Other injuries sustained during the barrage of transactions:

— A Pennsylvania woman took some plastic shrapnel from two
shopping carts involved in a high-speed crash at Sears.

— Six shoppers were flattened while trying to grab the last
$139 flat-screen TV at a New Jersey electronics store. One
lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion of fresh high-density
plasma.