Santa Claus denies use of steroids

By
John Breneman

Authorities investigating the steroid scandal now plaguing
Major League Baseball say they have discovered evidence implicating
Santa Claus in the use of performance-enhancing drugs.

A spokesman for Mr. Claus denied the allegations, saying
he subsists primarily on milk and cookies. But some observers
claim his bulky red uniform conceals the fact that the roly-poly
holiday icon has magically replaced his "bowl full of
jelly" physique with the kind of lean muscle mass commonly
associated with steroid use.

A transcript of grand jury testimony obtained by the Humor
Gazette reveals that Mr. Claus admits being given some unfamiliar
cookies in December of 2002. The document also alleges that
on at least three separate occasions in 2003 Mr. Claus consumed
egg nog laced the Human Growth Hormone.

"Turns out jolly old Saint Nick may not be such a saint
after all," said Charles D. Grinch, a federal prosecutor
based near the Arctic Circle. "How else could he fly
all over the world delivering millions of tons of gifts?"

The troubling allegations come amid increasing pressure on
Mr. Claus to submit urine samples for himself and his flying
reindeer.

The investigation is ongoing.