Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick

Make-believe suicide bomber Akbar Kapowi

By John Breneman

In a shocking development in the war in Iraq, no suicide
bomber blew up a bunch of innocent victims yesterday.

This marks the first day in recent memory that no dim-witted
Muslim extremist jackass has blown himself, and bystanders,
to smithereens.

An anonymous terrorist leader calling himself "Deep
Goat" said plans for moderate to heavy violence fell
through for several reasons, including inclement weather and
a rumor that all that bull about banging virgins in Heaven
is actually a load of camel dung.

"Deep Goat," believed to be a regional manager
for Insurgents R Us, said the lack of senseless death is just
an aberration and assured that regularly scheduled suicide
bombings will resume tomorrow.

Several of the rocket scientists scheduled to blow their
brains out yesterday called in sick and others came up with
a variety of excuses. One claimed the dog ate his "Martyr
Manual," another had to attend his son’s graduation from
Bush the Anti-Christ Elementary School and yet another realized
that Allah, like most self-respecting deities, actually frowns
on killing innocent people in his name.

Other excuses included:
— overslept
— accidentally sent suicide bomb vest to the dry cleaners
— ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
— wife was nagging him to remodel the rape room
— found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
— realized mission would interfere with lifelong dream of
crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
— figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein
material on eBay