 This column is my first to appear in the print edition of the Boston Herald, where I am employed as a copy editor. |
Super Bowl,
Extra Large
By John Breneman
The Super Bowl’s growing status as America’s quintessential
cultural event is exquisitely expressed in this year’s super-suffix,
XL.
Everything about the Super Bowl is extra large.
TV officials say as many as a billion people worldwide will
fill the virtual coliseum on Sunday to see our superpower’s
body-armored millionaires crash together in a roman-numeraled
orgy of consumerism, commercialism and celebrity egomania.
The satellite feed will be gobbled up by 234 countries in
32 different languages, with subtitles for viewers in Europe,
Asia and parts of Arkansas. It will be close-captioned for
the pigskin-impaired.
U.S. intelligence has picked up some chatter that Al Jazeera
is planning a broadcast ("American Gridiron Devils XL"),
in which the traditional ads for Viagra, Levitra and Cialis
will be replaced with commercials for a debilitating condition
called "Iraq-tile dysfunction."
Oh,
the commercials. Veteran Super Bowl watchers know that just
as important as the game itself is the slick Madison Avenue
subplot, in which mega-corporations shell out $2.5 million
a pop for 30 seconds exposure to those millions of eyeballs.
Which computer or car or beer maker will charm us with a
talking lizard or flatulent Clydesdale? A spokesman for ABC
declined comment other than to say, "Cha-ching."
But industry analysts say they expect the award for "Best
Performance in a Lame Commercial" to come down to either
P. Diddy or Miss Piggy.
The 164-hour pre-game show will feature analysis by everyone
from Paris Hilton ("Tom Brady is hot") to the Rev.
Pat Robertson ("God will strike the Seahawks down 27-13").
Legendary defensive linewoman Aretha Franklin will belt out
the national anthem, joining such legendary performers as
Barry Manilow (XVIII), Kathie Lee Gifford (XXIX) and The Backstreet
Boys (XXXV) in the pantheon of Super Bowl anthem singers.
Super Bowls are notorious for their halftime extravaganzas
and ABC has pledged this year’s gaudy intermission will be
"the most annoying halftime show ever." The legendary
Rolling Stones Inc. will play at halftime, joining such legendary
performers as Carol Channing (IV), New Kids on the Block (XXV)
and Queen Latifah (XXXII) in the pantheon of Super Bowl halftime
entertainers.
Also at halftime, the Steelers and Seahawks cheerleaders
will team up for a high-kicking, knee-snapping salute to the
anterior cruciate ligament.
Betting on the game, except in Nevada, is illegal — to the
tune of an estimated $6 billion a year, according to the Detroit
News. That’s enough cash to buy an official Super Bowl XL
fleece and a batch of official Super Bowl XL nachos for every
hungry child in the world.
Now I don’t want to give away all the surprises (but wait
till you see Oprah flatten Arnold Schwarzenegger and Woody
Allen in the annual Celebrity Punt, Pass and Kick contest).
Finally, amid all the hype we must not forget about Super
Bowl safety.
The battle at Ford Field will be protected from a terrorist
attack by the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD),
according to the Associated Press, and imaginary sources say
President Bush will appear via satellite, offering pointers
on how novice fans can avoid the ever-present danger of choking
on a pretzel.
Medical experts suggest that if you should suffer a dislocated
jaw from consuming mass quantities of chili, beer, chips,
finger sandwiches, shrimp, Coke, Pepsi, Cool Ranch Doritos,
sausages and/or beer, simply motion for a teammate to stiff-arm
the loose mandible back into place. Then resume eating and
grab another beverage. Extra large.