Tang
to blame in astronaut love triangle

By
John Breneman

The deranged diaper-assed astronaut who drove from Texas
to Florida to confront a romantic rival may have been under
the influence of Tang.

Toxicology tests revealed that Lisa Nowak’s bloodstream contained
more than five times the recommended daily allowance of Tang,
the powdery orange beverage favored by astronauts since 1965.

The flighty spacewoman, whose car was littered with empty
baby bottles containing Tang residue, allegedly confronted
Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman armed with a knife, a BB gun,
some pepper spray, a light saber and a Star Trek phaser set
on "stun."

Unconfirmed reports suggest Nowak was also in possession
of a $14.2 billion NASA robotic arm and may have been planning
to bitch slap Shipman. Authorities said Nowak wore a diaper
so she could make Apollo 1 or 2 without having to stop her
car.

NASA spokesman George W. Jetson said America’s astronauts
are under so much stress they occasionally need to "blast
off" some steam, "but not like those postal workers."

Asked about reports of fornication and toga parties aboard
the International Space Station, Jetson said, "What happens
in a low-gravity environment stays in a low-gravity environment."

The makers of Tang refused to comment on any connection between
their product and freakish astronaut murder plots.

Related stories:
Crack
found in foam of shuttle fuel tank — July 4, 2006

Shuttle
repair costs ‘out of this world’ — Aug. 3, 2005