Ridge terror alert smells fishy

Responding
to harsh criticism from the New
York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system
is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public,
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that
he is switching to a fish-based system.

Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded
chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid
and reassuring them about "the president’s leadership
in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread
his hands apart – close together if the terror threat is minimal,
and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.

On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish
if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon
if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by
plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting
onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the
captain’s firm hand at the helm.

Related story:
U.S.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl