Tonight on The Jacko Channel …

5:00 p.m.   "Jacko Celebrity
Poker"  —  Watch Jacko try to bluff his
way to riches with a measly pair of jacks.

5:30 p.m.   "Everybody
Loves Jacko"  —  Deborah frets
about whether to leave Jacko alone with the twins, Jeffrey
and Michael.

6:00 p.m.   "Jacko-tainment
Tonight"  —  Exclusive
unsubstantiated chatter about Jacko’s affair with Paula Abdul’s
kid brother.

6:30 p.m.   "World
Wrestling Federation Presents: Jacko Smackdown"
 —  Can you smell what Jacko is cookin’?

7:00 p.m.   "Jacko
Fear Factor"  —  Watch the Speedo-clad
Jacko eat live maggots while dangling upside-down from a moving
helicopter.

8:00 p.m.   "CSI:
Neverland"  —  Gil Grissom and
his team of forensic sleuths comb Neverland for clues about
Jacko’s involvement in a grisly serial killing.

9:00 p.m.   "Law &
Order: Jacko Victims Unit"  — 
Detective Ice-T comes down hard on an alleged pop star pedophile.

10:00 p.m.   "The
O’Jacko Factor"  —  Jacko berates
hapless liberals, says he doesn’t see anything wrong with
sharing his bed with Rush Limbaugh.

11:00 p.m.   "Extreme
Race and Gender Makeover"  —  An
exclusive, behind-the-scenes report on how Jacko fulfilled
his dream of becoming a scary-looking white woman.

12: 00 a.m.   "Mister
Jacko’s Neighborhood"  —  Can you
say "molestation"? A friendly, cardigan-clad Jacko
entertains the kids with help from King Friday and Mr. McFeely.