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just in:
Violence strikes TV

By John Breneman

TV talking heads are reporting today that the TV world is
abuzz with a hot new trend: killing off key characters on
hit shows.

The gun blast to the gut of mob boss Tony Soprano on Sunday
triggered this gruesome bullet point: The grim reaper is claiming
victims from blockbuster shows like never before, having harvested
souls from the casts of "Lost," "The Shield,"
"24" and "ER."

Not surprisingly, more grisly spinoffs are in the works.
The producers of "60 Minutes" announced today they
are bumping off Mike Wallace and negotiations are under way
for Bill O’Reilly to strangle a liberal, live on FOX.

Sources say fans of "American Idol" will be shocked
when the season finale erupts in a deadly gun battle between
Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. Spoiler alert: Good news for
those who dream of seeing Ashton Kutcher riddled with bullets
in a "very special" episode of "That ’70s Show."

The soap opera world will also scrub some characters, most
notably on "All My Children" where Pine Valley diva
Erica Kane (Susan Lucci) goes on a five-state killing spree.

In reality TV, "The Simple Life" turns deadly when
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie get part-time jobs in the National
Guard then accidentally nail each other with friendly fire.

Next week: Which of the "Desperate Housewives"
will die in a drive-by?

Editor’s note: Our pretend focus group of big-name
TV executives invites you to pitch other ideas for the growing
"TV Death Toll ’06" in the Comments section
below.