War hero attacked by war zero

By
John Breneman
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came under
enemy fire from Vice President Dick Cheney, who unleashed
a brazen daylight assault on the status of the war hero’s
medals.

Cheney counted on the element of surprise, knowing that a
man who was injured fighting for freedom in Vietnam would
never expect to have his Purple Heart attacked by a guy who
blatantly ducked the war.

Pundits questioned the strategy of having a war coward question
the courage of a war hero, but political psychoanalysts say
this is just further evidence that the White House is run
by arrogant chickenhawks who think the American people are
stupid enough to buy anything they say.

Kerry did not respond by calling Cheney "a
stinking load of ass dirt," but he did call upon
President Bush to prove that he actually served in the National
Guard while hiding from Vietnam. The challenged has renewed
questions about whether the president
also evaded Boy Scout duty.

In other White House news, the Supreme Court might make Dick
Cheney spill the beans about his double-secret energy club.
Critics have sued for the release of information, saying Cheney
let energy companies and other big campaign donors help draft
energy policy designed to line their pockets.

Fortunately Cheney’s hunting pal, Justice Antonin Scalia,
has refused to recuse himself from the case. No word on whether
Scalia plans to brandish his duck rifle to defend Cheney’s
right to screw the public in private.

Finally, Cheney and his lifelike sidekick, President George
W. Bush, spent some of the day getting ready for their joint
appearance before the 9/11 commission. Bush sat on Cheney’s
knee and practiced grinning, while Cheney stuck his meaty
paw up the back of Bush’s shirt to gain control of his vocal
cords.

When asked why the two insist on appearing together before
the panel rather than individually, the president said, "Duh.
To answer their questions?" (See "Bush
in-your-faced the nation")

When asked why he refused to answer the question about why
the president and vice president insist on appearing together
before the 9/11 panel rather than individually,
the president refocused his smirk and said, "Duh. To
answer their questions?"

When asked a third time why he was insulting the American
people by pretending not to understand a simple question they’d
like to hear answered, Bush refocused his smirk and said,
"Something will pop into my head."