Bin Laden hat trick won’t fool CIA

By
John Breneman

The CIA has announced a major break in the hunt for Osama
bin Laden. New intelligence indicates the wily terror kingpin
has ditched his traditional turban look in favor of a jaunty
straw hat he found at Wal-Mart.

The lanky hate-monger seems obsessed with his new chapeau
and "won’t leave the cave without it," according
to a source who said bin Laden is convinced the hat makes
him more attractive to "the ladies" (terrorist lingo
for "goats and camels").

The source added that bin Laden saw Martha Stewart’s release
from prison on TV and has lately been seen flouncing about
in a knit poncho.

Meanwhile, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has issued
a videotaped "news segment" for broadcast on local
stations. In the piece, several Arab-looking gentlemen reading
from scripts call bin Laden "a spineless scumbag"
and George W. Bush "the greatest guy ever."

In other news: A West Coast intelligence source says there
is emerging evidence that bin Laden was spotted in San Francisco
drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.

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