Bush says terrorists are behind Newsweek approval
rating poll
President
Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating
"sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused
unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our
resolve."
Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke
out" those who believe he might have made a mistake.
In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek survey,
Bush grinned and said, "I doesn’t read Newsweek."
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed, but acknowledged
that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe his butt. The
New Yorker, too.
"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent
the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers.
The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him
that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing
chickenhawks and Halliburton executives.
Bush declined comment on a survey that showed his approval
rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don’t live
in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi
detainees. The president’s approval numbers are holding firm
at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed
in his mistake-free war.
The good news is that Bush’s approval rating is 94% among
those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with
no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue
that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no
idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist
movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously
complex nation and get the hell out.
Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate
the president in several other key area. The results:
— Upheaval rating – 98%
— Funereal rating – 86%
— Cerebral rating – 81% (among those believe a president
shouldn’t trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed
analysis)
— Marsupial rating – 74% (among those who enjoy using Photoshop
to paste Bush’s head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and
Tasmanian devils)
— Theatrical rating – 91% (among fans of the "Mission
Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey photo-ops)
— Grammatical rating – 93% (among people not troubled by
the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)
— Surreal rating – 100%