Bush fails second doping test

By
John Breneman

Now that a second test has confirmed that his blood contained
high levels of artificial testosterone, President Bush faces
the possibility he could be stripped of his cherished "World’s
Greatest President" belt buckle.

Today’s disclosure by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency also raises
new questions about his controversial 2004 victory over rival
bicycling pantload John Kerry.

Bush has long denied the use of performance-enhancing drugs,
saying he quit back in 1986 when he gave up the booze and
blow. But experts believe there is widespread cheating at
the highest levels of geopolitical competition.

For example, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is said
to be hooked on a cocktail of steroids, opium-laced hashish
and camel growth hormone; Kim Jong Il on Viagra and Courvoisier.
Hezbollah boss Hassan Nasrallah has a wicked crystal meth
habit and Saddam Hussein was a mustard gas freak.

Sources say Bush is fixing to challenge Ahmadinejad and Nasrallah
to a no-holds-barred, Texas-style mountain bike race.

Related stories:
Bonds
rages against steroid allegations — March 8, 2006

Incredible
Hulk implicated in steroid probe — March 18, 2005

Canseco
claims he did steroids with Bush — Feb. 14, 2005

Santa
Claus denies use of steroids — Dec. 25, 2004

Steroids
infiltrating Washington, Wall St.

Romney
apologizes for anti-tar baby rhetoric

By
John Breneman

Clarifying his politically sticky use of the term "tar
baby" in a July 29 speech in Iowa, Gov. Mitt Romney said
he had no idea the term was racially insensitive.

Romney issued a heartfelt apology
to all tar babies, crack babies and test-tube babies, as well
as the NAACP and the lesser-known NAATB.

He said he never meant to offend fans of the legendary Uncle
Remus story about Brer Rabbit, Brer Fox and the Tar Baby by
linking them to his state’s $14.6 billion Big Dig highway
black hole.

Meanwhile, aides have advised Romney that next time he needs
a metaphor likening the bureaucratically grotesque, and now
deadly Big Dig to a "sticky situation," he would
be better off using a more PC term such as "duct-tape
baby" or "epoxy baby."

Romney, widely regarded as one of the whitest white dudes
of all-time, has been criticized as a clueless "blue
blood" by local
black leaders. He’s also been called a "punk"
by the rapper Tar Daddy.

Romney denied reports that he angrily declared, "Tar
babies are responsible for all the wars in the world!"
But polls show 81 percent of voters believe he WOULD eagerly
make such a statement if he believed it would help him get
to the White House.

Related stories:
Why
"Tar Baby" Is Such a Sticky Phrase — Aug.
1, 2006 (Time)

Romney:
The next president — March 29, 2006 (By Chris
Elliott)

Gibson agrees to F-bomb cease-fire

By
John Breneman

Simmering tensions in a strife-torn region of Mel Gibson’s
brain erupted in violence on Friday, when the drunken Hollywood
hatemonger renewed his offensive against Israel while peppering
police with a barrage of F-bombs.

The Oscar winner and Hezbollah spokesman agreed to a cease-fire
and apologized for soiling himself with anti-Semitic bile
while being stopped for drunk driving in Malibu.

He issued a statement apologizing for being a "despicable"
jackass and blaming his intense hatred of Jews on booze. Gibson
assured fans that his obligatory rehab stint will not affect
production of his new film, "Jews Are Responsible For
All the Wars in the World."

He also announced plans to shoot "Lethal Weapon 5"
in Israel, promising lots of explosions, side-splitting gratuitous
violence and plenty of "collateral damage." Joe
Pesci will play a wisecracking suicide bomber and Rene Russo
is on board as Lt. Sugar Tits.

Sobriety
tests revealed the actor’s blood-asshole level was way over
the limit, but Gibson reportedly will not be charged with
lewd behavior for telling the bewildered cop, "I’m going
to (bleep) you."

A spokesman denied reports that Stark Raving Mad Max tried
to bribe his way out of the jam by offering the cops cameos
in his epic about the final days of Adolf Hitler, "The
Passion of the Fuhrer."

Gibson, who is set to play an Islamofascist Archie Bunker
in the dark comedy "Allah in the Family," reportedly
has several more religious-themed films in various stages
of development, including "Schindler’s Grocery List"
(subtitled, with all dialogue spoken in an obscure 12th-century
form of pig Latin) and the nonviolent Hindu comedy "Weekend
at Gandhi’s."

Related story:
Jesus
Christ, box-office superstar, in …
"Lethal Whippin’ " (or "The Bashin’ of the
Christ”) — March 2, 2004

Summertime
recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced
tea, old-timers know there’s nothing quite like a refreshing
Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer
day.

INGREDIENTS

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash
them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin
to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and
garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and
gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather
trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household
oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican
laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with
Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from
flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and
construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer
to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame
logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass
onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid
or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite,
making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the
gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains
pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized
slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and
puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of
anchovy and serve.

Saddam on hunger strike, gives up Doritos

By
John Breneman

Saddam Hussein has begun another hunger strike, according
to a source who said the cranky tyrant barely touched his
wine-poached Tuscan salmon last night, then turned up his
nose at his tiramisu cheesecake dessert.

Hussein is also refusing his vegetables, even when his jailers
try the U.N.-approved "choo-choo train" method of
getting him to eat. The judge presiding over his trial stated
that holding Hussein in contempt of court wasn’t working,
so he ordered him to be confined in a holding cell for an
extended "timeout."

With his latest tantrum, Hussein reportedly hopes to strike
a blow for deposed genocidal maniacs everywhere. According
to one of his attorneys, "The elite, pro-human rights
media never prints the GOOD news about ruthless totalitarian
dictators."

Related stories:
Saddam
tells judge to ‘go (bleep) yourself’ – Jan.
30, 2006

‘Madman’
Hussein pleads insanity – Nov. 28, 2005

Photos
prove Saddam possessed BVDs – May 23, 2005

Tunnel vision

By John Breneman

I almost called in sick today. My excuse? Post-traumatic
ceiling tile syndrome.

Sorry. Humor is how I cope when life gets weird and ugly,
like it did for that poor woman – Milena Del Valle, Jamaica
Plain mother of three – killed in Monday night’s tunnel
tragedy.

See, I drive to the Boston Herald each morning from New Hampshire
, where there’s no such thing as people being squashed in
tunnels by massive chunks of falling cement. Sure, we Granite
Staters relish our right to "live free or die."
Just not in $14.6 billion taxpayer-funded death traps.

And not to get all "I used to drive through that tunnel
every night" on you, but I used to drive through that
bleeping tunnel every night – back when they were shutting
down the Interstate-93 mine shaft so the late shift could
plug those leaks and squirt fresh Super Glue on the mammoth
concrete slabs hanging over our heads.

Big deal. I’ve come to understand that risky four-wheeling
has been a special part of the Massachusetts experience since
old Sam Adams got pulled over for hitting the homemade hooch
in his horse and buggy.

I try to join right in on the whole "Boston driver"
thing – the honking and cursing, the mad weaving and
artful dodging, the coming to a complete standstill in the
middle of a crowded freeway.

It’s still full speed ahead when I whiz over the Charles
and into the mouth of the Tip O’Neill tube each morning. But
I think I’ve subconsciously added a few inches to the buffer
between my front bumper and the other guy’s tailpipe.

For us nervous New Hampshire commuters, it’s good to know
Gov. Mitt Romney has got our back. Why, after interrupting
his vacation to stage that whack-a-hack press conference for
Big Dig bigwig Matt Amorello, he rushed back to his Lake Winipesaukee
command post faster than you could say "political opportunism."

In his memorable "Something happened" speech, Mitt
bravely called for the hapless Pike head’s head on a pike.
The boys in Iowa sure will be impressed by his knack for turning
tragedy into phony tough talk.

Well the probe is under way and someone will pay. Public
Enemy No. 1 is Amorello Slim. Best guess for No. 2 fall guy?

Investigators will undoubtedly be taking a hard look at Ted
Williams. It’s sort of his tunnel, right? If that bigshot
hadn’t been so busy getting swindled by his jerk son, he might
have found time to make sure that lousy thing lived up to
his good name.

Now the legendary Red Sox slugger has this hanging over his
severed, frozen, hermetically sealed head – half-baked
media reports linking him to the unconscionable death of an
innocent mom at the hands of greedy corporate highway barons,
porky bureaucrats and finger-pointing pols.

Frankly, Ted doesn’t need this baloney. Maybe the feds can
pin it on Whitey Bulger. Better yet, Billy Buckner.

Mitt won’t emerge unscathed. Count on a whole new batch of
Mitt ‘n Run jokes. Did you hear the one about the scariest
Hub highway hazard of ’em all? The constant threat of being
mowed down by a limo racing Romney to his next out-of-state
photo-op.

Anyway, some say part of the charm of Boston driving is never
knowing when the scaffolding might come crashing down or the
roof might cave in. Maybe they should post some new signs.
"Danger: Falling Three-Ton Symbols of Criminally Misspent
Public Funds."

NY Times leaks Superman’s identity

By
John Breneman

The White House today accused the New York Times of treason
for leaking the identity of a key covert operative in America’s
war on terror — Superman.

However, a spokesman for the Times claimed the information
has been declassified since the 1950s, when the link between
a certain mild-mannered newspaper reporter and the erstwhile
Man of Steel was first made public to millions of TV viewers.

In a related development, the Daily Planet is reporting that
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Lois Lane faces possible
prison time for refusing to reveal her source in a story about
Lex Luthor’s efforts to obtain kryptonite yellow cake from
Niger.

The
administration says the Times report ruins its plan to have
Superman fly in and fix the mess in Iraq. Clark Kent could
not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Hollywood
spins off Spider-man’s web — June 29, 2004

North Korea flunks missile test

By
Chris Elliott

North Korea test-fired seven missiles on July 4-5, one of
them a long-range ICBM, in clear defiance of the world community.
The missiles fell harmlessly into the Sea of Japan, where
they injured a sperm whale and wiped out a school of unwitting
prawns.

President Kim Jong Il proclaimed the zero-for-seven performance
a "grand triumph." However, his minister of missile
research could not be reached for comment after being "honored"
in front of a firing squad.

South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun said the missiles were
likely constructed from parts stolen from a Hyundai factory
scrap yard in Seoul, and remarked that Scott Peterson had
a better chance of getting to Hawaii this winter than a North
Korean missile.

President Bush emphasized diplomacy, saying North Korea "couldn’t
hit the broad side of a New York skyscraper" and advising
Kim Jong Il that if he had more missiles to "bring ’em
on."

Geopolitical analysts who have studied Kim Jong Il speculate
the deranged Yoko Ono look-alike is aiming to solidify his
legacy as the ugliest, dorkiest scourge in the history of
the world.

There have been no signs of preparations for further weapons
tests in North Korea, but one of the fallen missiles was returned
to Kim Jong Il. It was reportedly covered with red ink and
had a circled F minus at the top along with the comment, "You
can do better."

Related
story:
Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il — June
13, 2005

Also by Elliott:
Mispronouncing
a lie doesn’t make it true — Aug. 16, 2004

Spend hours, even months,
expanding your mind at the Chris
Elliott Library.

Crack found in foam of shuttle fuel tank

By
John Breneman

The above headline from the New York Times Web site on Monday
raises troubling questions about America’s space program.

Most pressing: How did a crack dealer get close enough to
the shuttle to hide a stash of rock cocaine in Discovery’s
foam-insulated fuel tank?

NASA engineers are now analyzing whether the mission should
be scrubbed so they can check the O-rings for angel dust.

A source close to the shuttle’s janitor said one of the astronauts
was planning to conduct unauthorized experiments on the effects
of crack cocaine in a weightless environment.

Police reportedly have questioned Lt. Tyrone Biggums, whose
NASA bio identifies his hero as legendary Apollo 11 stoner
Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin.

Related story:
Shuttle
repair costs ‘out of this world’ — Aug. 3, 2005

Flashback

to the first Fourth of July

By
John Breneman

Had to dash down to the Library of Congress
this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious
George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began
snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds
startling new light on our nation’s very first July
4th celebration.

The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a
barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there,
along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days
before the Revolution.

The
Washingtons — George, Martha and little Denzel — stopped
by with some of Martha’s famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered
to be the tastiest in the Colonies.

John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters
and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who did nothing but
complain that little Andy Jackson, also 9, kept knocking his
glasses off.

Adams’ older brother Samuel, wearing a stylish
puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his famous
"hand-crafted" beer and kept urging people to try
his Bunker Hill Pale Ale.

Young Aaron Burr brought some pistols in case
anyone wanted to duel and Benjamin Franklin had a box full
of kites festooned with an array of stripes and stars.

Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson’s
Monticello estate, Paul Revere galloped up on his horse, Tea
Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British
are coming!"
"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who
then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a Valley Forge Lager.

Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate
host. He had set up a dunking booth with an unfortunate Tory
dressed up like the King of England and the children hollered
"Taxation without representation!" as they hurled
stones to knock the hapless "king" into the water.

Garbed in a chef’s hat and an apron embroidered
with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal,"
Jefferson flipped burgers and hot dogs at the grill and ladled
tankards of East India Company iced tea out of a barrel.

"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian
Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"

Spirits were high because there was a growing
sense that the Colonies were sick and tired of being bossed
around by King George III, who little Andrew Jackson kept
calling "King Georgie Porgie Fatty."

After everyone was stuffed, Jefferson gathered
the whole group and pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper
with some fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began
reading. "When in the course of human events," he
began, "yada, yada, yada… We hold these truths to be,
um…"

"Self-evident?"
suggested Ben Franklin.

"Yeah that’s it, self-evident … that
all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these
are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of …"

"Beer!" shouted Sam Adams.

"Naked chicks!!" exclaimed Paul Revere.

"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who
droned on for about 20 more minutes until Revere said Jefferson’s
"Declaration of Impudence" was right on the money.

John Hancock grabbed a pen and Adams spilled
a little of his beer onto the edges of the document, saying
it would help give it that "parchment" feel.

Then the celebration really started to get lively.
Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but
Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed
with gun powder and various minerals that produced colorful
streaks when ignited.

As Hancock lit the fuse of a Red Glare Whistling
Aerial Repeater, he was distracted for a moment by an attractive
young slave and the charge detonated, blowing off both his
right hand and his favorite powdered wig.

Fortunately,
a young seamstress named Betsy Ross dropped what she was working
on, grabbed Hancock’s hand and began sewing it back onto his
arm.

Despite the accident, John
Adams suggested — for real — that henceforth we
should celebrate our independence each Fourth of July with
"pomp and parade … guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations
from one end of this continent to the other, from this time
forward forevermore."

So that’s the story of our nation’s first Independence
Day. I still can’t believe that I found it where I did —
scrawled on the back of a 230-year-old, corndog-encrusted
cocktail napkin in the shaky but unmistakable hand of John
Hancock.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is believed
to be a direct descendent of Denzel Washington.