Critics charge Harry Potter used
performance-enhancing potions

By John Breneman

Best-selling children’s book wizard Harry Potter –
already under
fire from evangelical Christian groups and even
the Pope for promoting witchcraft – now faces
charges that he has used performance-enhancing potions.

To cast his magical spell over young minds throughout the
world, Potter has reportedly dabbled in a list of banned substances
that includes Flobberworm, Chocoballs and Peppermint Toads.

“There’s no telling what kind of illicit Pixie
Juice this kid has gotten into,” said Lucius Malfoy,
father of Potter’s archrival Draco Malfoy, in today’s
edition of the Daily Prophet, the national wizarding newspaper.
“I mean, nobody is THAT good at the game of Quidditch.”

Malfoy alleges Potter may have experimented with a Swelling
Solution, a potion that causes body parts to swell to enormous
proportions. He also there claims are hidden clues to Potter’s steroid
use in the book “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Horse
Tranquilizers.”

The use of performance-enhancing spells and magical substances
touches on many ethical and legal gray areas. For example,
the Wizard’s Handbook lists “Eye of Newt” as
an acceptable substance, but “Newt Growth Hormone”
is banned.

At presstime, there is no conclusive evidence linking Potter
to illegal use of Jelly Slugs or Unicorn Testosterone, but
there is a growing call among critics for authorities to test
the young wizard’s wiz. If officially charged and convicted
of using banned substances, Potter could face up to 18 months
in the maximum-security prison at Azkaban.

Potter’s supporters claim the allegations are motivated
by jealousy — he is about to break all existing records for
book publishing — and attribute the anti-Potter movement
to society’s growing inability to distinguish between
fact and fiction.

Related stories:
Incredible
Hulk implicated in steroid probe — March 18, 2005

Canseco
claims he did steroids with Bush — Feb. 14, 2005

Oh, what a tangled web Rove wove

By
John Breneman

Hey look, a spaceship. What, that wasn’t enough to distract
you from the fact that a pesky little White House leak has
oozed into a nasty Karl Rove oil spill?

C’mon people, look at the pretty white rocket.

So what if the president’s right-hand man allegedly endangered
America by leaking the identity of a CIA agent whose
husband exposed one of the lies that led us to war?

I mean, please, everyone knows a big part of Rove’s job is
unscrupulous damage control and politically motivated revenge.
This is not quadruple super secret background info.

So don’t be distracted by the media feeding frenzy on the
Nigerian yellow cake fiasco or by subsequent dirty tricks
and coverups.

Instead, the White House would prefer you to be distracted
by Tom Cruise’s latest antics or those zany Democrats and
their war
on Christianity. And of course … terror,
terror, terror.

Besides, the president has assured us that he will be "more
than happy" to talk about the Rove matter "at the
appropriate time." Yes of course … happy, happy,
happy.

Sorry, gotta run. That spaceship
is almost ready to blast off.

* * *

In a related development, the Humor Gazette/IBS News is negotiating
with federal prosecutors to avoid prison time for refusing
to divulge its sources for an April 1, 2005, fake news exclusive
entitled
"President ‘punked’ press, public with Iraq gag."

U.S. braces for Hurricane Akbar

By
John Breneman

A dangerous al-Qaeda affiliate calling itself the al-Roker
Umbrella Jihad has issued a statement claiming responsibility
for Hurricane Dennis.

"Florida is now burning with fear and terror, from north
to south, east to west," the group said. "The next
one, Hurricane Akbar, will be a Category 4 storm aimed at
Washington, D.C., or perhaps Tallahassee."

President Bush responded by pledging to bomb as many clouds
as necessary to defeat "this weather of mass destruction."
Regarding the group’s threat of future ill winds, Mr. Bush
said, "Bring ’em on."

The president declared Florida a "major disaster area"
and plans to send millions in federal disaster relief funds
down to his brother Jeb, the governor. He once again rejected
calls from his critics to declare Iraq a major disaster area.

The Department of Homeland Security warned there is evidence
of a high-pressure system gathering in the Middle East and
the CIA reportedly has intercepted some "chatter"
that Iran is working an advanced weapons system capable of
delivering a barrage of 120-millimeter, armor-piercing hail
stones.

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff is urging Americans
to be extra vigilant against tornados, sand storms and tsunamis.

Tomorrow’s forecast calls for a 60 percent chance of terror,
prompting noted blues meteorologist and "Hurricane"
expert Bob Dylan to observe, "You don’t need
a weatherman to know which way the
war blows."

Related stories:
Ridge
terror alert smells fishy — Aug. 7, 2004

U.S.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl — May 27, 2004

Nostradamus
issues terror warning — July 11, 1542

London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks


By John Breneman

The terrorist group claiming responsibility for the deadly
blasts in downtown London, the Secret Organization of al-Qaida
in Europe, “couldn’t bomb its way out of a paper
bag,” according to a spokesman for a rival gang also
trying to take credit, the Brotherhood of Black Panther Mujahdeen
Extremist Mofo Pisspot Razzmatazz.

Now a third group, the Islamic Bowel Movement of Asshat Jumanji,
is claiming the bombing was a message to the G-8 leaders holding
a world summit in Scotland to “stop their Zionist crusade
against poverty and AIDS.”

Also claiming responsibility: the Tupac Shakur Liberation
Front, Allah’s Alliteration Army and the Balsamic Vinegar
Jihad.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Islamic Fahqwad Opposition
Brigade condemned as “spineless jerkbags” all who
would kill in the name of Allah. “I just prayed to the
Big Guy and, believe me, he’s none too pleased,”
said spokesman Nomar Fatwa. “I mean, what self-respecting
deity wants to be placed on a terrorist watch list?”

The Irish Republican Army issued a statement challenging
“all those bloody arse-wipes” to a street fight
using only fists and pipebombs.

Several groups have disavowed any connection to the deadly
bombings, including the notorious Appalachian terror clan
led by Jihad Clampett and Jethro Mujahdeen.

Note: If you know the names of any other reputed
fake terrorist organizations,
please report them to foshizzle@humorgazette.com.

Carrying a torch for Olympic innovation

Greco-Roman dope-slapping champion Mavis "Ironfist" Smith prepares to "finish" an opponent in an Olympic qualifying match.

By John Breneman

Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee,
today unveiled several new surprises he has in store for the
2012 Summer Games in London.

Acknowledging that society today is far more violent than
when the modern Games began in Athens, Greece, in 1896, Rogge
has announced several new events to give the Games a "tougher
edge."

"The fans want action," said Rogge, who fiddled
with a blazing acetylene torch during his press conference.
"They want guts and glory. Danger. Pain."

Among Rogge’s innovations:

Trampoline Taekwondo — Competitors try to pummel
each other with an acrobatic array of kicks and punches, while
springing nearly 30 feet in the air and working in such compulsory
and optional moves as the double front somersault with a full
twist.

Drive-By Pentathlon — Unlike its traditional counterpart
the Modern Pentathlon (an event consisting of shooting, fencing,
swimming, riding and running) the gritty urban Drive-By Pentathlon
tests a competitor’s skill at shooting, trash talking, driving,
running and more shooting.

Pistol Whip — Loosely based on the Hammer Throw,
this event tests a competitor’s ability to subdue an opponent
with the butt end of his weapon, then hurl it for maximum
distance and pretend nothing happened.

Rogge also listed among his new "hard-core" events:
bareknuckle boxing, extreme fencing and Greco-Roman dope-slapping.

Other new "action" events being tried on an exhibition
basis include:

Bungee Pole Vaulting — Largely an underground sport
since it was first popularized by the great champion of the
1970s, Clarence "Umbilical Cord" Jones, bungee pole
vaulting is largely indistinguishable from regular pole vaulting
except that spectators get to see colorfully and heavily padded
competitors use pneumatic pogo-poles to fling themselves as
far as 300 feet through the air.

Part of the appeal is that the athletes tend to spray themselves
all over the arena, sometimes even into the stands. During
the 1999 world championships, local favorite Paul Voltaire
Jr. received a standing ovation when he accidentally flung
himself through the javelin competition and was speared in
the buttocks before crash landing in the long jump pit. Voltaire
also holds the distance record with a painful 437-foot vault
at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

Synchronized Shot Put — Nimble behemoths heave the
lead ball identical distances after a precisely choreographed
routine of momentum-building gyrations. Plus, fans love how
cute the gargantuan athletes look in their matching leotards.

Equestrian Pommel Horse — Using extraordinary strength,
the athletes fling themselves through a whirling helicopter-like
series of moves while touching the horse with only their hands.
Unlike the stationary pommel horse in mens gymnastics, however,
this event ALSO requires competitors to guide an ACTUAL horse
through a challenging obstacle course, traversing high fences
and water hazards while holding the reins in their teeth.

"It’s all about the TV ratings, baby," said Rogge,
who announced that he would soon reveal the steamy details
of a new event for 2016 that he calls the Sextathlon.

Other events being considered for the 2016 Summer Games in
South Berwick include: Nintendo Triathlon, Quadruple Jump
and Olympic Torch Fighting.

Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman is a former member
of the U.S. national Synchronized Syntax team.

Flashback

to the first Fourth of July

By
John Breneman

Had to dash down to the Library of Congress
this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious
George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began
snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds
startling new light on our nation’s very first July
4th celebration.

The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a
barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there,
along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days
before the Revolution.

The
Washingtons — George, Martha and little Denzel — stopped
by with some of Martha’s famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered
to be the tastiest in the Colonies.

John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters
and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who did nothing but
complain that little Andy Jackson, also 9, kept knocking his
glasses off.

Adams’ older brother Samuel, wearing a stylish
puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his famous
"hand-crafted" beer and kept urging people to try
his Bunker Hill Pale Ale.

Young Aaron Burr brought some pistols in case
anyone wanted to duel and Benjamin Franklin had a box full
of kites festooned with an array of stripes and stars.

Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson’s
Monticello estate, Paul Revere galloped up on his horse, Tea
Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British
are coming!"
"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who
then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a Valley Forge Lager.

Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate
host. He had set up a dunking booth with an unfortunate Tory
dressed up like the King of England and the children hollered
"Taxation without representation!" as they hurled
stones to knock the hapless "king" into the water.

Garbed in a chef’s hat and an apron embroidered
with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal,"
Jefferson flipped burgers and hot dogs at the grill and ladled
tankards of East India Company iced tea out of a barrel.

"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian
Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"

Spirits were high because there was a growing
sense that the Colonies were sick and tired of being bossed
around by King George III, who little Andrew Jackson kept
calling "King Georgie Porgie Fatty."

After everyone was stuffed, Jefferson gathered
the whole group and pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper
with some fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began
reading. "When in the course of human events," he
began, "yada, yada, yada… We hold these truths to be,
um…"

"Self-evident?"
suggested Ben Franklin.

"Yeah that’s it, self-evident … that
all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these
are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of …"

"Beer!" shouted Sam Adams.

"Naked chicks!!" exclaimed Paul Revere.

"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who
droned on for about 20 more minutes until Revere said Jefferson’s
"Declaration of Impudence" was right on the money.

John Hancock grabbed a pen and Adams spilled
a little of his beer onto the edges of the document, saying
it would help give it that "parchment" feel.

Then the celebration really started to get lively.
Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but
Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed
with gun powder and various minerals that produced colorful
streaks when ignited.

As Hancock lit the fuse of a Red Glare Whistling
Aerial Repeater, he was distracted for a moment by an attractive
young slave and the charge detonated, blowing off both his
right hand and his favorite powdered wig.

Fortunately,
a young seamstress named Betsy Ross dropped what she was working
on, grabbed Hancock’s hand and began sewing it back onto his
arm.

Despite the accident, John
Adams suggested — for real — that henceforth we
should celebrate our independence each Fourth of July with
"pomp and parade … guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations
from one end of this continent to the other, from this time
forward forevermore."

So that’s the story of our nation’s first Independence
Day. I still can’t believe that I found it where I did —
scrawled on the back of a 229-year-old, corndog-encrusted
cocktail napkin in the shaky but unmistakable hand of John
Hancock.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is believed
to be a direct descendent of Denzel Washington.

Shocking fake news report from Gitmo

IBS
News has obtained shocking new information about alleged prisoner
abuse at Guantanamo Bay, where detainees are being forced
to eat hot-buttered lobster until they are about to burst.

As part of its investigation into reports that the skells
at Gitmo get better food than their Nazi-esque
guards, the Humor Gazette/IBS News team was the only
fake news organization invited to observe conditions there
first-hand.

Our probe yielded evidence that the practice of treating
prisoners to chateau briand and lobster thermidor
began as a way to deflect attention from alleged mistreatment
of detainees at Gitmo, where allegations of abuse run almost
as rampant as those involving Angelina
Jolie.

The investigation also revealed:
— One guard made fun of an inmate’s Koran
and called Allah a "bonehead."
— At least one inmate fashioned a crude weapon out of a Pez
dispenser.
— Several instances of Muslim prisoners being forced to look
at racy pictures of Angelina Jolie.
— Three uncooperative enemy combatants were forced to stay
at the table and finish all of their mutton or else go to
bed without their date pudding.
— The falafel was awful, but the dirty rice was quite nice.

In order to improve public opinion about the alleged goings-on
at Gitmo, the White House has announced a special benefit
concert by the Guantanamo Bay City Rollers. (Ba-da-bump.)
They’ll be there all week.

In
other news, a source close to a source who used to be close
to Paris
Hilton, says the airhead heiress and her fiancé
— noted Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis, plan to name their
first-born child … Paris. Subsequent children emerging
from skimpily clad Hilton’s barely concealed baby hole will
reportedly be named London, Venice, Manhattan (girl) and Bangkok
(boy).

In addition to making movies and TV shows and books and music
CDs and handbags and cheesecake cheeseburger commercials,
Hilton will soon be introducing a new line of stylish genital
jewelry. She is also said to be repurposing her infamous home
porn flick as an instructional video for children about how
babies are made.

Related stories:

Sean
Penn takes up fake journalism — By Peter Chianca

Scent
of a pop tart: Britney unveils perfume — Dec. 15,
2005

Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen demise — Jan. 12, 2005

Aliens seize Tom Cruise’s brain

By
John Breneman

Sources say Tom Cruise’s recent spate of odd
behavior was triggered by an incident on the set of
his new blockbuster, "War of the Worlds," where
the controversial actor was reportedly given a brain probe
by disgruntled Martians.

The spacemen reportedly disguised themselves as movie aliens
to get close to Cruise, then jammed a three-foot titanium
cylinder into his skull and made off with nearly half of his
cerebellum.

Since then the actor has puzzled observers by playing trampoline
on Oprah’s couch, getting
in "Today" show host Matt Lauer’s face and
proclaiming his eternal love for Batman’s girlfriend.

Is it all just a publicity stunt to hype his starring role
in the new $130 million Steven Spielberg epic? Perhaps, but
Hollywood insiders suggest Cruise is using the promotional
tour to proselytize for his beloved Church
of Scientology, a trendy religion founded by Nebraska
author L. Ron Hubbard that apparently encourages its followers
to act like bossy know-it-alls.

Cruise, who recently scolded Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants,
now subsists entirely on Scientology-flavored
Kool-Aid and is reportedly mulling a bid to become
the church’s Exulted Grand Poobah.

In Spielberg’s "War of the Worlds," opening June
29, the director stays relatively faithful to the classic
H.G. Wells novel despite Cruise’s effort to rewrite
it so a family of Scientologists defeats the alien menace
and creates a new world order.

Critics praise President
Bush’s
"I think about Iraq every day" speech

By
John Breneman

When future generations assess the legacy of President George
W. Bush, they will surely reflect on his now-famous "I
think about Iraq every day" speech of June 20,
2005.

Asked what he thought of Dick Cheney’s load of bull about
the insurgency being in its "last throes" when violence
there is actually increasing, the president disarmed the blatantly
anti-patriotic question by saying, "I think about Iraq
every day — every
single day."

As the world heaved a great sigh of relief to learn that
the man who started the war actually finds time to mull it
over each day, Bush shoveled on even more reassurance by saying,
"I understand we have troops in harm’s way…"

Critics say Bush’s keen understanding of the fact that he
is getting people killed "every day" suggests he
may be ready to adopt a more realistic view of Iraq than that
laid out in his now-historic "Mission
Accomplished" address.

The president revealed that not only does he think about
his own personal Iraqi hellhole "every single day,"
he admitted that some days he thinks of it two or three times.
Maybe even half a dozen times on Monday after the weekend
death toll numbers come in.

A White House memo obtained by IBS News confirmed that some
random thought or another about Iraq crept into the president’s
brain 57 times so far this month alone. Sources say that early
on in the war, President Bush occasionally forgot to think
about Iraq until Condoleezza Rice gave him a string to wear
on his finger.

Fortunately, President Bush also realizes that the fate of
the world rests with his ability to not accidentally destroy
it, a fact he articulated brilliantly in his memorable Oct.
3, 2004 "Bein’
president is hard work" speech.

The hard work can range from pronouncing wacky names like
"Abu
Ghraib" to deftly fielding trick questions as
he did April 14, 2004, in his inspirational "I’m
sure something will pop into my head" speech.

Veteran Bush watchers give the president high marks for his
"I think about Iraq every day" message, but most
agree it will be difficult for him to surpass the startling
audacity of his March 26, 2004, comic bomb — the spine-tickling
"Those
WMDs must be around here somewhere" oratory.

Senator
apolgizes for Nazi no-no

By John Breneman

With his jackboot-in-mouth use of the words “Nazi”
and “U.S. troops” in the same soundbite, Sen. Dick
Durbin invited a blitzkrieg of blowback and demonstrated once
again that mentioning Nazis in any context is about as smart
as cracking a bomb joke to an airport security guard.

Hitler rears his ugly head pretty regularly in the rough-and-tumble
world of dumbass remarks and humble apologies.

Pennsylvania
Sen. Rick Santorum had a Sgt. Schultz moment last
month. Wal-Mart
also did time in Stalag 13. Adolf even animated the Bush-Kerry
presidential war. And hapless Prince
Harry become a poster boy for Nazi numbskullism.

Bad sign for the state of American discourse that on the same
day Durbin
issued his apology, Indiana idiot Rep.
John Hostettler said that “like moths to a flame,
Democrats can’t help themselves when it comes to denigrating
and demonizing Christians.”

Oh the humanity. The Rev. Rep. Hostettler concluded his hyperbolic
House floor sermon by busting out a flaming cross to hold
the Jesus-hating, Nazi-loving Democratic heathens at bay.

Recent
advances have been made in the prevention of NFPS (Nazi Faux
Pas Syndrome). Research shows that a drug called Nazicept
is effective in regulating the area of the brain that compels
people to blurt out the word “Nazi.”

However, experts say it is vital that parents make sure their
children are aware of basic “Nazi etiquette.”

Right: “That Hitler was one evil son of a bitch.”

Wrong: “That Hitler had a pimped-out mustache.”

Right: “Adolf Hitler is the worst human being ever.”

Wrong: “Everybody knows (Hitler) was good at the beginning
but he just went too far.” (Former
Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott, 1996)

In a related development, the Nazi Police are pressuring filmmaker
Mel Brooks (“Springtime for Hitler”), Jerry Seinfeld
(“The Soup Nazi”) and the creators of “Hogan’s
Heroes” to issue retroactive apologies to anyone they
may have offended.

Related story:
When
Harry met Nazi — Jan. 14, 2005