Bugs
Bunny pimped out
by greedy cartoon execs

By John Breneman

There is a new word for ripping the soul from classic creations
of American contemporary art in exchange for another couple
million bucks. It’s called "re-imagining."

At least that’s what the greedy bottom-liners at Warner Brothers
are calling their insidious plot to give Bugs Bunny (to use
the terminology of the day) an "extreme makeover."

Hapless, heavily armed Elmer Fudd could never kill Bugs.
So now the job falls to the WB gang, convinced they can squeeze
more cash out of the beloved cartoon icon by "re-imagining"
him and his friends as futuristic crimefighters in the year
2772.

Reimagine? Pardon me if I repudiate this repulsive
and reprehensible bit of revisionist animation.

Executives at Warner Brothers — reeling from the fact that
their Saturday-morning Kids WB lineup is getting thrashed
by Nickelodeon, the Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel
— apparently dismissed the challenge of creating something
cool and original and instead hatched a lame plan to recycle
Bugs Bunny in outer space.

Entitled "Loonatics," the new cartoon series takes
the classic "Looney Tunes" characters and retrofits
them with retrorockets to see how they will fare in a zero-gravity,
zero-creativity environment.

Does this mean the new vehicle will flatten old Bugs into
festering carcass of cultural roadkill? No, the animated folk
hero who for decades disarmed adversaries with wit and wise-cracks
will certainly survive this ill-conceived case of identity
theft.

But make no mistake, despite strenuous objections from the
SPCA (the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animated
Animals), the real Bugs Bunny is being harmed in the
making of this sequel.

First of all, he has been skinned and scalped – his familiar
fuzzy gray-and-white pelt replaced with a futuristic black-and-yellow
exoskeleton. His neatly gloved hands now resemble razor-sharp
claws and his mischievous grin has been erased, replaced on
his face with a dark, menacing leer.

So is this the latest sign that the entertainment apocalypse
is upon us? Or just another so-what moment in the decline
of American arts and culture?

Sadly, we are no longer surprised when a TV show we have
come to care about is forced by its creators to "jump
the shark." That’s the term – inspired by the episode
of "Happy Days" when Fonzie did just that in water
skis and a leather jacket – now used to describe the moment
when a show becomes so ludicrous that there is nowhere to
go but down.

Somehow we thought Bugs Bunny might be spared such an indignity,
but now we learn that the proud legacy of one of America’s
greatest cartoon heroes is in danger of being squashed by
a 20-ton space anvil.

Joining Bugs (now called Buzz) for his descent into the black
hole will be Wile E. Coyote (aka Slick), the Road Runner (Roadster),
the Tasmanian Devil (Spaz), Lola Bunny (Lexi) and Daffy Duck
(Duck). We are told that each character possesses a special
crime-fighting power and that the plots are action-oriented
– filled with chases and fights.

Unfortunately, Bugs was more adept at fending off shotgun-toting
hunters than craven cartoon honchos at Warner Brothers, where
the thinking seems to be: If it ain’t broke, distort it into
a barely recognizable shadow of its former self and try to
parlay brand recognition into advertising and merchandising
revenue.

I’m trying hard not to imagine where else all this "re-imagining"
could lead. But the real Bugs Bunny must be spinning in his
hole, haunted by visions of Buzz Bunny action figures and
"Loonatics" DVDs.

We can only hope that Daffy Duck, with his over-the-top lisp,
will sound effeminate enough to irritate the anti-gay cartoon
crusaders who have been persecuting poor SpongeBob SquarePants.
Insufferable succotash.

Hi,
I’m Patti Arbuckle.

I lost 452 pounds thanks to the Humor Gazette Diet, and you
can too.

Two months ago I was so friggin’ fat, I had given up all
hope of ever seeing my (censored) ever again.

But then one night while cramming fistfuls of Doritos and
unrefined Domino’s sugar into my piehole during a 3 a.m. "Cagney
& Lacey" rerun, I saw a commercial for the miracle
diet that saved my life.

The Humor Gazette Diet’s special blend of carbs, calories
and cholesterol interacts with your body’s own metabolism
to melt those pounds away.

I admit I was skeptical … didn’t believe I could lose
weight by combining unusual delicacies like goat beef and
Lucky Charms cereal. But before I knew it, that extra quarter-ton
of blubber had disappeared and my skin hung on me like a cheap
radiation suit.

Now I’ve gained a quarter-ton of self-esteem AND rediscovered
my enthusiasm for stamp collecting, long pony rides and sexual
intercourse.

Thank you, Humor Gazette!!

Common sense horoscope

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700 for
a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane
evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you
communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids
sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20) Don’t leave your money lying out where bad
people can steal it. Eating food may supply much-needed nutrients.
Resist an urge to defecate on your evening meal.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Unprotected sex with people
who have AIDS could have unhealthy consequences. You may regret
incinerating your prize possessions. Don’t wink at psycopaths.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A loved one advises you to
wear protective eyegear while brandishing an acetylene torch.
Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate
moment.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A job could provide a useful
source of income. Resist an impulse to curse out your employer.
Cooperation on a key project is more effective than backstabbing.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Avoid pointing a loaded
weapon at your head while cleaning it this evening. Loved
ones may not appreciate suggestions that they are stupid.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don’t trust strangers who
offer to take your money and double it. Regular breathing
may help provide oxygen to the brain. Consider sleeping tonight.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are wise not to
taunt a surly motorcycle gang. Consuming a fifth of Jack Daniels
could lead to trouble. Refrain from peeing in public today.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Avoid smashing other
vehicles when driving today. An authority figure prohibits
you from going 145 mph. Using the steering wheel will help
get you where you want to go.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A puppy may make a better
pet than even the most amiable scorpion. Reaching into boiling
water could be painful. Kindness is preferable to manslaughter.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Apply sunscreen when lying
motionless on the beach for more than 8 hours. Too much liposuction
may lead to complications. Going to the bathroom may aid your
digestion.

Abe and George drive hard bargain

By John Breneman

We
Americans sure do know how to honor our greatest presidents.
We use ’em to sell cars.

A couple years ago on President’s Day, I read in the newspaper
that Abraham Lincoln was rated by a panel of scholars as the
nation’s greatest president ever. Said so right on Page 3.

Then I turned to the automotive section to find a sad-eyed
Abe in wearing a conical birthday hat and tooting a party
horn to trumpet the "Historic Deals" at some Volkswagen
dealership.

Further
down the page George Washington (ranked #3 in the greatest-ever
poll) is sporting the same red-and-white striped chapeau with
the tassel on top as Lincoln. But his party horn is cut off
by a ’98 Jetta pricetag, making it look like he’s smoking
something or sucking his thumb.

It’s official. President’s Day is now commemorated by a gaudy
electoral collage of car advertisements — a crass display
of patriotic good intentions gone garishly awry.

For some reason, I feel it is my (Honda) civic duty to (Ford)
focus on the (Acura) legends who have served in the White
House over the past (Buick) centuries. Each of these (Dodge)
intrepid men had his own (Mercury) mystique and wisdom that
will help our next president chart a prosperous (Eagle) vision
for the new (Mazda) millennia.

Is it any wonder that President’s Day has devolved into a
vehicle for eight-cylinder consumerism?

After all, when you think of it, being a politician is a
lot like being a used car salesman. You have to be a convincing
smooth talker who inspires confidence in the prospective car
buyer/voter. (We want Lincolns and Fords that can pass inspection
and win election.)

One dealership featured a "President’s Day Blowout!"
with a postcard view of Mount Rushmore sandwiched between
a Toyota Camry and a Tacoma 4×4. Peering off the mountain
is Teddy Roosevelt, a rough rider and native (Chrysler) New
Yorker who is probably spinning out in his grave.

In another ad, full-body cartoons of Washington and Lincoln
are shown scampering toward each other while bookending the
message "We Will Not Be Undersold."

Word balloons put "quotes" in the mouths of our
greatest leaders. Lincoln exclaims, "All options at dealer
cost!" And Washington chimes in "Instant financing
too!" This is in an ad for Subaru Legacy sedans and wagons.

Legacy?!?!?

Don’t these car peddlers realize that they are exploiting
the proud legacies of our greatest presidents by turning them
into Subaru shills and pickup truck hucksters?

One ad touted "unpresidented" savings. The word
is dead on because in many of these ads Crazy George and Honest
Abe are literally "unpresidented" — stripped of
presidential dignity as they are morphed into cartoon characters
endorsing mechanized contraptions that did not exist in their
lifetimes.

So I guess I just find it a little confusing when George
Washington says, "3.9% APR financing available."

Now the trend toward phony presidential pitchmen is oozing
over into other types of commerce.
There was a President’s Day sale at Circuit City, where you
could pick up a (Herbert?) Hoover Turbo Power Upright vacuum
cleaner for $299.

But the real action was at Kitchen Etc., which featured President’s
Day specials on fine china and other household items. Warren
G. Harding’s portrait shows him to favor a 16-piece china
set depicting red New England barns, while Ronald Reagan endorses
dishes with an American flag motif.

I don’t even think I could make up the following images from
the Kitchen Etc. flier: Thomas Jefferson offering a Pedrini
enameled corkscrew at the guaranteed low price of $9.99; Abe
Lincoln recommending a 103-piece set of Pfatzgraff Cantebury
flatware; Andrew Jackson a Wearever nonstick chicken skillet;
and Herbert Hoover a Joyce Chen wok and accessories.
What next? Franklin D. Roosevelt coming out with a new line
of wheelchairs? Coolidge and Hoover lending presidential credibility
to the latest anti-Depression drug?

Maybe it’s just a sign of these strange times that we’ve
got ex-presidents offering us factory air and power windows.

Perhaps we are at a crossroads in our nation’s autopolitical
history. If so, you will surely want a roomy, smooth-handling
automobile for that bumpy ride down the campaign trail.

My advice: I hear you can get a good deal on a red, white
and blue Ford Windstar with a power moonroof and 159-year
warranty from our eighth president, Martin "Mini"
Van Buren.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman always keeps a spare
satire in the trunk of his car.

Satirist
stripped
of White House
press credential

By John Breneman

Another fake reporter was booted from the White House briefing
room today when investigative satirist Arturo DeMaunchie of
the Humor Gazette News Service was stripped of his day pass
and told not to let the door hit his ass on the way out.

DeMaunchie — believed to be an alias for Humor Gazette editor
Reid Page (also an alias) — is the latest victim of a crackdown
on White House access following the revelation that a creepy
bald alleged gay-prostitute Republican stooge calling himself
Jeff Gannon had somehow obtained press credentials.

Like Gannon (whose real name is James Guckert and who owns
a Web site called HotMilitaryStud.com), DeMaunchie drew attention
to himself by asking occasional oddball questions.

But unlike Gannon — memorably seen asking Bush how he plans
to work with Democrats who seemed to have "divorced themselves
from reality" — the Humor Gazette reporter was deemed
to have gone too far when he shouted, "Mr. President,
how can I get me some of that Armstrong Williams money?!?"

DeMaunchie (who owns Web sites called HotSatireStuds.com
and HumorHunks.org) had filed a series of exclusives critical
of the administration, including "President
drops a comic bomb" and
"Bush received faulty intelligence from God."
He raised eyebrows at a recent press conference by asking,
"Mr. President, how strongly do you support the God-given
right of every fetus to own a gun?"

While most media analysts dismiss DeMaunchie as harmless
comic relief, the Guckert affair is viewed as a significant
breach of White House security and ethics.

Critics say it is the latest in a series of surreal incidents
— PR payoffs to conservative pundits, fake town hall-style
meetings, fake Medicare "news reports" filed by
fake reporters and deadly distortion of the threat posed by
non-existence WMDs — that illustrate the challenges of covering
a White House that has divorced itself from reality.

Now three out of four pundits are calling for an investigation
into who planted this loose Gannon on the company softball
team.

Related stories:

Bush front
group attacks satire publication’s credibility   (Aug.
25, 2004)

White House
smear campaign targets Humor Gazette   (March
31, 2004)

Plot thickens in JackoGate trial

Michael Jackson, shown here encased in gold with his former chimp "Bubbles," has pleaded not guilty to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson’s medical team announced today that the frail,
pasty pop star will not be able to stand trial because he
is suffering from "the vapors."

With its star in the hospital, production ground to a halt
on the set of "The Making of the Michael Jackson Molestation
Trial." However, fans of the Jacko media circus will
not be disappointed because the epic $2.5 billion freak show
features no shortage of subplots.

For example, five members of Jackson’s nose maintenance team
were fired just hours after courtroom observers said the singer
seemed to have difficulty breathing through his freakishly
tiny artificial snout.

But the big news centers on the star-studded witness list
unveiled by attorneys for Jackson, who has pleaded not guilty
to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

Elizabeth Taylor is expected to testify that Jackson is actually
not a pedophile, but rather a sequin-gloved love machine who
enjoys busting into the robot dance during their wild sessions
of heterosexual passion.

Kobe Bryant will state that Jackson definitely was not with
him in Colorado when he allegedly raped a young hotel worker
and Stevie Wonder will swear that he never saw Jackson molest
anyone.

Geraldo Rivera, broadcasting live from the barracks of the
JackoGate media encampment outside the Santa Barbara County
Courthouse, started a rumor that the witness list has been
expanded to include Pope John Paul, O.J. Simpson and noted
media icon Geraldo Rivera.

Prince Charles stated in a deposition that Jackson was a
"perfect gentleman" during a 1999 visit to Neverland,
even after Prince Harry raided the liquor cabinet and set
fire to a three giraffes, a baboon and a rare albino panther.
Prince Michael Jackson, the pop star’s artificially conceived
son, may also take the stand, along with Saudi Prince Bandar
and the artist once again known as Prince.

Other potential character witnesses include North Korean
whackjob Kim Jong Il, embattled Disney CEO Mickey Mouse and
a bunch of Catholic priests.

Related Humor Gazette exclusives:

New poll finds
Jacko is wacko   (May 5, 2004)

Jacko takes
Iowa in Democratic primary   (Jan. 20, 2004)

Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush

First Lady Laura Bush said the fact that her husband is "ripped" does not prove he did steroids with Jose Canseco.

By John Breneman

Former pro baseball knucklehead Jose Canseco claims in his
new book that he shared steroids not only with the slugger
Mark McGwire, but also with George W. Bush.

Canseco goes on to speculate that Bush’s subsequent behavior
— including his dishonest and boneheaded leadership in the
Iraq war — may be a result of the phenomenon known as "roid
rage."

Canseco claims that Bush — whose daddy’s friends gave him
a cushy baseball job with the Texas Rangers after he lost
his shirt in the oil industry — confided his desire to "get
big" and admitted he didn’t see it happening in business
or politics. Canseco says that when he suggested steroids,
Bush grinned and said, "Bring ’em on."

Bush, who served as a co-owner of the Rangers when Canseco
joined the team in 1992, denied any knowledge of steroid use
and claimed he has no recollection of the psychologically
deranged he-man ever poking him in the ass with a needle.

The White House issued a statement saying that when Bush
brought Canseco to Texas he had no clue that everyone else
in the world knew the artificially pumped-up player was a
poster boy for steroids.

Canseco — who also claims to have injected Barbara Bush,
Rush Limbaugh and Arnold Schwarzenegger — is unrepentant about
his own steroid use, saying that without the drug he might
never have become the only man in baseball history to have
a fly ball bounce off his head and into the stands for a home
run.

This just in: The White House is denying a report that Canseco
obtained nuclear weapons from North Korea in exchange for
shooting steroids into the buttocks of Kim Jong Il.

Related story:
How
Bush scored big with the Texas Rangers

Humor Gazette:
Steroids infiltrating
Washington, Wall Street

Gunfight
at the WMD Corral

By John Breneman

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has challenged President
George W. Bush to a nuclear showdown, daring the president
to meet him at high noon Sunday in a tumbleweed-infested ghost
town near Pyongyang.

The reclusive dictator boasted that he’s got a nifty arsenal
of nuclear weapons and an itchy trigger finger. He also renounced
the ongoing six-party disarmament talks and said he is sick
of talk.

"Talk is cheap. It’s go time," said Kim Jong Il,
who offered Bush his choice of .45-kiloton nuclear revolvers
or shoulder-mounted Nuke-a-Bazooka warheads.

President Bush called Kim Jong Il a "tyrant and a madman."

Kim Jong Il called President Bush a "madman and a tyrant."

Both men trash-talked the other’s daddy, and Bush said Kim
Jong Il reminded him of the arch-villain Dr. Evil from the
Austin Powers movies.

"That guy kills me," said Kim Jong Il, standing
next to a midget dressed identically in olive drab and large
tinted sunglasses. "Axis of Evil, bring ’em on, dead
or alive… He’s got a million of ’em."

"This town ain’t big enough for the both of us,"
said Kim Jong Il, who reportedly is a big fan of American
westerns and gangster movies.

"Don’t make me come over there and attach electrodes
to your genitals," responded Bush, who announced a plan
to replace the North Korea’s hard-line Communist regime with
a violent, unstable pseudo-democracy.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld offered to send some people
to pin Kim Jong Il’s arm behind his back until he cries "Uncle
Sam."

In other nuclear news:
Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan, accidentally
detonated a small nuclear device in his office yesterday.
Musharraf reported that he was "cleaning the weapon"
when all of a sudden it "just went off."

Tinky Winky claims ‘Jacko touched me’

Appearing on "Hardball" to discuss recent allegations
that SpongeBob SquarePants is homosexual, beloved children’s
entertainer Tinky Winky admitted falling into severe depression
back in 1999 when Rev.
Jerry Falwell accused him of being a purse-toting moral deviant.

Having
his manhood impugned by an attention-seeking televangelist
was bad enough, but Mr. Winky said the worst part of his ordeal
was fending off the amorous advances of pop star Michael Jackson.

During a visit to Jackson’s Neverland ranch, Mr. Winky said
he felt positively gay while riding roller-coasters and feeding
giraffes, but became uncomfortable after Mr. Jackson gave
him some "funny-tasting" Kool-Aid and then dangled
him over a balcony.

Mr. Winky said he grew increasingly uneasy as his host talked
about a game they could play with the Elephant Man’s bones,
then fled the compound when Mr. Jackson "touched me on
my private antenna."

A spokesman for Mr. Jackson denied the allegation, but said
there is nothing wrong with sharing your bed with a plush
purple doll.

Pressed for details, Mr. Winky said he will have more to
say during an upcoming segment of
"60 Minutes" that also features Pee-Wee Herman and
Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.

Gazette exclusive: Tinky
Winky talks (Feb. 28, 1999)

Patriots must wage war to be true ‘dynasty’

By John Breneman

The
big question — now that the New England Patriots secured
the third Super Bowl victory in four years 24-21 over the
Philadelphia Eagles — is whether the team can legitimately
be called a "dynasty."

Every football fan has endured seeing this question posed
dozens of times on TV over the last couple days. But most
geopolitical football analysts agree that a team cannot truly
be called a dynasty until it takes over a couple small countries
and contributes something significant to the betterment of
human culture.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, of course, seized Honduras and Guatemala
in a daring daylight offensive in 1978, sacking two dictators
and installing Mean Joe Greene as a menacing Minister of Defense
whose Terrible Towel-based economy brought a period of prosperity.

The San Francisco 49ers needed only 1:57 to march the length
of Liberia in 1985 and successfully convert much of West Africa
to a West Coast offense.

The Green Bay Packers, led by Gen. Vince Lombardi and aerial
ace Bart Starr, easily plundered Greenland in 1963 and protected
the frozen tundra there from intruders for two decades while
building athletic academies and introducing the practice of
wearing cheese wedges upon the head.

But the brash Dallas Cowboys dynasty of the 1990s crumbled
when Jerry Jones tried to expand his "America’s Team"
empire with a disastrous bid to acquire Mexico and Colombia.

So do the Patriots qualify for a dynasty under the seemingly
benevolent Bob Kraft regime?

Let’s just say we’ll be better equipped to answer that question
once gridiron strategist Bill Belichik sends Bruschi and the
boys over to bum rush Iraq, intercept Iran, and install an
efficient ball-control democracy.