Clinton penned memoir with company ink
Bill Clinton writes that his dream of becoming president
began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy,
who told him the job was "great for nailing chicks."
As his biography, "My Life" hits bookstores today,
Clinton said he failed to launch a more aggressive effort
to capture Osama bin Laden in part because intelligence reports
indicated the terrorist kingpin had virtually no access to
"high-quality Arabian tail."
The book (subtitled "Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am")
has already hit #1 on the Humor Gazette bestseller list. It
is also #1 at Amazon.com despite protests that publisher Alfred
A. Knopf raped an Amazon rainforest to print the hefty 957-page
wad of Bill.
The New
York Times called the work "skanky,
auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting
that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton’s alleged Lincoln
Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild"
videos.
 I did not bang that pudgy, beret-wearing, DNA-stained-dress-saving ho, Miss Lewinsky. |
Though the book is jam-packed with what top reviewers call
"boring stuff," its pages are not completely unstained
by seminal passages penned from the Great Fornicator’s indelible
dip into "company ink." Clinton does not defend
his handling of the Lewinsky Missile Crisis.
Clinton characterized his antics with the White House intern
as "morally indefensible," but "grammatically,
linguistically and legally defensible." He claimed he
"did
not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"
simply "because he could," and also because a devilish
3-inch-high JFK kept popping up on his shoulder quoting the
Marilyn Monroe Doctrine to egg him on.
Clinton confesses that when he told Hillary about the non-affair
she clubbed
him with a Teflon frying pan. He also makes fresh
accusations that special prosecutor Kenneth Starr screwed
him on a Whitewater rafting expedition.
But perhaps most telling of all, the former president confides
that when making key decisions he always listens more closely
to his left nut than his more conservative right.