Plot thickens in JackoGate trial

Michael Jackson, shown here encased in gold with his former chimp "Bubbles," has pleaded not guilty to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson’s medical team announced today that the frail,
pasty pop star will not be able to stand trial because he
is suffering from "the vapors."

With its star in the hospital, production ground to a halt
on the set of "The Making of the Michael Jackson Molestation
Trial." However, fans of the Jacko media circus will
not be disappointed because the epic $2.5 billion freak show
features no shortage of subplots.

For example, five members of Jackson’s nose maintenance team
were fired just hours after courtroom observers said the singer
seemed to have difficulty breathing through his freakishly
tiny artificial snout.

But the big news centers on the star-studded witness list
unveiled by attorneys for Jackson, who has pleaded not guilty
to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

Elizabeth Taylor is expected to testify that Jackson is actually
not a pedophile, but rather a sequin-gloved love machine who
enjoys busting into the robot dance during their wild sessions
of heterosexual passion.

Kobe Bryant will state that Jackson definitely was not with
him in Colorado when he allegedly raped a young hotel worker
and Stevie Wonder will swear that he never saw Jackson molest
anyone.

Geraldo Rivera, broadcasting live from the barracks of the
JackoGate media encampment outside the Santa Barbara County
Courthouse, started a rumor that the witness list has been
expanded to include Pope John Paul, O.J. Simpson and noted
media icon Geraldo Rivera.

Prince Charles stated in a deposition that Jackson was a
"perfect gentleman" during a 1999 visit to Neverland,
even after Prince Harry raided the liquor cabinet and set
fire to a three giraffes, a baboon and a rare albino panther.
Prince Michael Jackson, the pop star’s artificially conceived
son, may also take the stand, along with Saudi Prince Bandar
and the artist once again known as Prince.

Other potential character witnesses include North Korean
whackjob Kim Jong Il, embattled Disney CEO Mickey Mouse and
a bunch of Catholic priests.

Related Humor Gazette exclusives:

New poll finds
Jacko is wacko   (May 5, 2004)

Jacko takes
Iowa in Democratic primary   (Jan. 20, 2004)