Carrying a torch for Olympic innovation
 Greco-Roman dope-slapping champion Mavis "Ironfist" Smith prepares to "finish" an opponent in an Olympic qualifying match. |
Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee,
today unveiled several new surprises he has in store for the
2012 Summer Games in London.
Acknowledging that society today is far more violent than
when the modern Games began in Athens, Greece, in 1896, Rogge
has announced several new events to give the Games a "tougher
edge."
"The fans want action," said Rogge, who fiddled
with a blazing acetylene torch during his press conference.
"They want guts and glory. Danger. Pain."
Among Rogge’s innovations:
Trampoline Taekwondo — Competitors try to pummel
each other with an acrobatic array of kicks and punches, while
springing nearly 30 feet in the air and working in such compulsory
and optional moves as the double front somersault with a full
twist.
Drive-By Pentathlon — Unlike its traditional counterpart
the Modern Pentathlon (an event consisting of shooting, fencing,
swimming, riding and running) the gritty urban Drive-By Pentathlon
tests a competitor’s skill at shooting, trash talking, driving,
running and more shooting.
Pistol Whip — Loosely based on the Hammer Throw,
this event tests a competitor’s ability to subdue an opponent
with the butt end of his weapon, then hurl it for maximum
distance and pretend nothing happened.
Rogge also listed among his new "hard-core" events:
bareknuckle boxing, extreme fencing and Greco-Roman dope-slapping.
Other new "action" events being tried on an exhibition
basis include:
Bungee Pole Vaulting — Largely an underground sport
since it was first popularized by the great champion of the
1970s, Clarence "Umbilical Cord" Jones, bungee pole
vaulting is largely indistinguishable from regular pole vaulting
except that spectators get to see colorfully and heavily padded
competitors use pneumatic pogo-poles to fling themselves as
far as 300 feet through the air.
Part of the appeal is that the athletes tend to spray themselves
all over the arena, sometimes even into the stands. During
the 1999 world championships, local favorite Paul Voltaire
Jr. received a standing ovation when he accidentally flung
himself through the javelin competition and was speared in
the buttocks before crash landing in the long jump pit. Voltaire
also holds the distance record with a painful 437-foot vault
at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.
Synchronized Shot Put — Nimble behemoths heave the
lead ball identical distances after a precisely choreographed
routine of momentum-building gyrations. Plus, fans love how
cute the gargantuan athletes look in their matching leotards.
Equestrian Pommel Horse — Using extraordinary strength,
the athletes fling themselves through a whirling helicopter-like
series of moves while touching the horse with only their hands.
Unlike the stationary pommel horse in mens gymnastics, however,
this event ALSO requires competitors to guide an ACTUAL horse
through a challenging obstacle course, traversing high fences
and water hazards while holding the reins in their teeth.
"It’s all about the TV ratings, baby," said Rogge,
who announced that he would soon reveal the steamy details
of a new event for 2016 that he calls the Sextathlon.
Other events being considered for the 2016 Summer Games in
South Berwick include: Nintendo Triathlon, Quadruple Jump
and Olympic Torch Fighting.
Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman is a former member
of the U.S. national Synchronized Syntax team.
