Tunnel vision

By John Breneman

I almost called in sick today. My excuse? Post-traumatic
ceiling tile syndrome.

Sorry. Humor is how I cope when life gets weird and ugly,
like it did for that poor woman – Milena Del Valle, Jamaica
Plain mother of three – killed in Monday night’s tunnel
tragedy.

See, I drive to the Boston Herald each morning from New Hampshire
, where there’s no such thing as people being squashed in
tunnels by massive chunks of falling cement. Sure, we Granite
Staters relish our right to "live free or die."
Just not in $14.6 billion taxpayer-funded death traps.

And not to get all "I used to drive through that tunnel
every night" on you, but I used to drive through that
bleeping tunnel every night – back when they were shutting
down the Interstate-93 mine shaft so the late shift could
plug those leaks and squirt fresh Super Glue on the mammoth
concrete slabs hanging over our heads.

Big deal. I’ve come to understand that risky four-wheeling
has been a special part of the Massachusetts experience since
old Sam Adams got pulled over for hitting the homemade hooch
in his horse and buggy.

I try to join right in on the whole "Boston driver"
thing – the honking and cursing, the mad weaving and
artful dodging, the coming to a complete standstill in the
middle of a crowded freeway.

It’s still full speed ahead when I whiz over the Charles
and into the mouth of the Tip O’Neill tube each morning. But
I think I’ve subconsciously added a few inches to the buffer
between my front bumper and the other guy’s tailpipe.

For us nervous New Hampshire commuters, it’s good to know
Gov. Mitt Romney has got our back. Why, after interrupting
his vacation to stage that whack-a-hack press conference for
Big Dig bigwig Matt Amorello, he rushed back to his Lake Winipesaukee
command post faster than you could say "political opportunism."

In his memorable "Something happened" speech, Mitt
bravely called for the hapless Pike head’s head on a pike.
The boys in Iowa sure will be impressed by his knack for turning
tragedy into phony tough talk.

Well the probe is under way and someone will pay. Public
Enemy No. 1 is Amorello Slim. Best guess for No. 2 fall guy?

Investigators will undoubtedly be taking a hard look at Ted
Williams. It’s sort of his tunnel, right? If that bigshot
hadn’t been so busy getting swindled by his jerk son, he might
have found time to make sure that lousy thing lived up to
his good name.

Now the legendary Red Sox slugger has this hanging over his
severed, frozen, hermetically sealed head – half-baked
media reports linking him to the unconscionable death of an
innocent mom at the hands of greedy corporate highway barons,
porky bureaucrats and finger-pointing pols.

Frankly, Ted doesn’t need this baloney. Maybe the feds can
pin it on Whitey Bulger. Better yet, Billy Buckner.

Mitt won’t emerge unscathed. Count on a whole new batch of
Mitt ‘n Run jokes. Did you hear the one about the scariest
Hub highway hazard of ’em all? The constant threat of being
mowed down by a limo racing Romney to his next out-of-state
photo-op.

Anyway, some say part of the charm of Boston driving is never
knowing when the scaffolding might come crashing down or the
roof might cave in. Maybe they should post some new signs.
"Danger: Falling Three-Ton Symbols of Criminally Misspent
Public Funds."

NY Times leaks Superman’s identity

By
John Breneman

The White House today accused the New York Times of treason
for leaking the identity of a key covert operative in America’s
war on terror — Superman.

However, a spokesman for the Times claimed the information
has been declassified since the 1950s, when the link between
a certain mild-mannered newspaper reporter and the erstwhile
Man of Steel was first made public to millions of TV viewers.

In a related development, the Daily Planet is reporting that
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Lois Lane faces possible
prison time for refusing to reveal her source in a story about
Lex Luthor’s efforts to obtain kryptonite yellow cake from
Niger.

The
administration says the Times report ruins its plan to have
Superman fly in and fix the mess in Iraq. Clark Kent could
not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Hollywood
spins off Spider-man’s web — June 29, 2004

NY Times leaks Superman’s identity

By
John Breneman

The White House today accused the New York Times of treason
for leaking the identity of a key covert operative in America’s
war on terror — Superman.

However, a spokesman for the Times claimed the information
has been declassified since the 1950s, when the link between
a certain mild-mannered newspaper reporter and the erstwhile
Man of Steel was first made public to millions of TV viewers.

In a related development, the Daily Planet is reporting that
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Lois Lane faces possible
prison time for refusing to reveal her source in a story about
Lex Luthor’s efforts to obtain kryptonite yellow cake from
Niger.

The
administration says the Times report ruins its plan to have
Superman fly in and fix the mess in Iraq. Clark Kent could
not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Hollywood
spins off Spider-man’s web — June 29, 2004

North Korea flunks missile test

By
Chris Elliott

North Korea test-fired seven missiles on July 4-5, one of
them a long-range ICBM, in clear defiance of the world community.
The missiles fell harmlessly into the Sea of Japan, where
they injured a sperm whale and wiped out a school of unwitting
prawns.

President Kim Jong Il proclaimed the zero-for-seven performance
a "grand triumph." However, his minister of missile
research could not be reached for comment after being "honored"
in front of a firing squad.

South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun said the missiles were
likely constructed from parts stolen from a Hyundai factory
scrap yard in Seoul, and remarked that Scott Peterson had
a better chance of getting to Hawaii this winter than a North
Korean missile.

President Bush emphasized diplomacy, saying North Korea "couldn’t
hit the broad side of a New York skyscraper" and advising
Kim Jong Il that if he had more missiles to "bring ’em
on."

Geopolitical analysts who have studied Kim Jong Il speculate
the deranged Yoko Ono look-alike is aiming to solidify his
legacy as the ugliest, dorkiest scourge in the history of
the world.

There have been no signs of preparations for further weapons
tests in North Korea, but one of the fallen missiles was returned
to Kim Jong Il. It was reportedly covered with red ink and
had a circled F minus at the top along with the comment, "You
can do better."

Related
story:
Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il — June
13, 2005

Also by Elliott:
Mispronouncing
a lie doesn’t make it true — Aug. 16, 2004

Spend hours, even months,
expanding your mind at the Chris
Elliott Library.

North Korea flunks missile test

By
Chris Elliott

North Korea test-fired seven missiles on July 4-5, one of
them a long-range ICBM, in clear defiance of the world community.
The missiles fell harmlessly into the Sea of Japan, where
they injured a sperm whale and wiped out a school of unwitting
prawns.

President Kim Jong Il proclaimed the zero-for-seven performance
a "grand triumph." However, his minister of missile
research could not be reached for comment after being "honored"
in front of a firing squad.

South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun said the missiles were
likely constructed from parts stolen from a Hyundai factory
scrap yard in Seoul, and remarked that Scott Peterson had
a better chance of getting to Hawaii this winter than a North
Korean missile.

President Bush emphasized diplomacy, saying North Korea "couldn’t
hit the broad side of a New York skyscraper" and advising
Kim Jong Il that if he had more missiles to "bring ’em
on."

Geopolitical analysts who have studied Kim Jong Il speculate
the deranged Yoko Ono look-alike is aiming to solidify his
legacy as the ugliest, dorkiest scourge in the history of
the world.

There have been no signs of preparations for further weapons
tests in North Korea, but one of the fallen missiles was returned
to Kim Jong Il. It was reportedly covered with red ink and
had a circled F minus at the top along with the comment, "You
can do better."

Related
story:
Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il — June
13, 2005

Also by Elliott:
Mispronouncing
a lie doesn’t make it true — Aug. 16, 2004

Spend hours, even months,
expanding your mind at the Chris
Elliott Library.

Crack found in foam of shuttle fuel tank

By
John Breneman

The above headline from the New York Times Web site on Monday
raises troubling questions about America’s space program.

Most pressing: How did a crack dealer get close enough to
the shuttle to hide a stash of rock cocaine in Discovery’s
foam-insulated fuel tank?

NASA engineers are now analyzing whether the mission should
be scrubbed so they can check the O-rings for angel dust.

A source close to the shuttle’s janitor said one of the astronauts
was planning to conduct unauthorized experiments on the effects
of crack cocaine in a weightless environment.

Police reportedly have questioned Lt. Tyrone Biggums, whose
NASA bio identifies his hero as legendary Apollo 11 stoner
Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin.

Related story:
Shuttle
repair costs ‘out of this world’ — Aug. 3, 2005

Crack found in foam of shuttle fuel tank

By
John Breneman

The above headline from the New York Times Web site on Monday
raises troubling questions about America’s space program.

Most pressing: How did a crack dealer get close enough to
the shuttle to hide a stash of rock cocaine in Discovery’s
foam-insulated fuel tank?

NASA engineers are now analyzing whether the mission should
be scrubbed so they can check the O-rings for angel dust.

A source close to the shuttle’s janitor said one of the astronauts
was planning to conduct unauthorized experiments on the effects
of crack cocaine in a weightless environment.

Police reportedly have questioned Lt. Tyrone Biggums, whose
NASA bio identifies his hero as legendary Apollo 11 stoner
Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin.

Related story:
Shuttle
repair costs ‘out of this world’ — Aug. 3, 2005

Flashback

to the first Fourth of July

By
John Breneman

Had to dash down to the Library of Congress
this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious
George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began
snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds
startling new light on our nation’s very first July
4th celebration.

The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a
barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there,
along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days
before the Revolution.

The
Washingtons — George, Martha and little Denzel — stopped
by with some of Martha’s famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered
to be the tastiest in the Colonies.

John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters
and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who did nothing but
complain that little Andy Jackson, also 9, kept knocking his
glasses off.

Adams’ older brother Samuel, wearing a stylish
puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his famous
"hand-crafted" beer and kept urging people to try
his Bunker Hill Pale Ale.

Young Aaron Burr brought some pistols in case
anyone wanted to duel and Benjamin Franklin had a box full
of kites festooned with an array of stripes and stars.

Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson’s
Monticello estate, Paul Revere galloped up on his horse, Tea
Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British
are coming!"
"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who
then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a Valley Forge Lager.

Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate
host. He had set up a dunking booth with an unfortunate Tory
dressed up like the King of England and the children hollered
"Taxation without representation!" as they hurled
stones to knock the hapless "king" into the water.

Garbed in a chef’s hat and an apron embroidered
with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal,"
Jefferson flipped burgers and hot dogs at the grill and ladled
tankards of East India Company iced tea out of a barrel.

"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian
Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"

Spirits were high because there was a growing
sense that the Colonies were sick and tired of being bossed
around by King George III, who little Andrew Jackson kept
calling "King Georgie Porgie Fatty."

After everyone was stuffed, Jefferson gathered
the whole group and pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper
with some fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began
reading. "When in the course of human events," he
began, "yada, yada, yada… We hold these truths to be,
um…"

"Self-evident?"
suggested Ben Franklin.

"Yeah that’s it, self-evident … that
all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these
are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of …"

"Beer!" shouted Sam Adams.

"Naked chicks!!" exclaimed Paul Revere.

"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who
droned on for about 20 more minutes until Revere said Jefferson’s
"Declaration of Impudence" was right on the money.

John Hancock grabbed a pen and Adams spilled
a little of his beer onto the edges of the document, saying
it would help give it that "parchment" feel.

Then the celebration really started to get lively.
Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but
Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed
with gun powder and various minerals that produced colorful
streaks when ignited.

As Hancock lit the fuse of a Red Glare Whistling
Aerial Repeater, he was distracted for a moment by an attractive
young slave and the charge detonated, blowing off both his
right hand and his favorite powdered wig.

Fortunately,
a young seamstress named Betsy Ross dropped what she was working
on, grabbed Hancock’s hand and began sewing it back onto his
arm.

Despite the accident, John
Adams suggested — for real — that henceforth we
should celebrate our independence each Fourth of July with
"pomp and parade … guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations
from one end of this continent to the other, from this time
forward forevermore."

So that’s the story of our nation’s first Independence
Day. I still can’t believe that I found it where I did —
scrawled on the back of a 230-year-old, corndog-encrusted
cocktail napkin in the shaky but unmistakable hand of John
Hancock.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is believed
to be a direct descendent of Denzel Washington.

Flashback

to the first Fourth of July

By
John Breneman

Had to dash down to the Library of Congress
this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious
George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began
snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds
startling new light on our nation’s very first July
4th celebration.

The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a
barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there,
along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days
before the Revolution.

The
Washingtons — George, Martha and little Denzel — stopped
by with some of Martha’s famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered
to be the tastiest in the Colonies.

John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters
and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who did nothing but
complain that little Andy Jackson, also 9, kept knocking his
glasses off.

Adams’ older brother Samuel, wearing a stylish
puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his famous
"hand-crafted" beer and kept urging people to try
his Bunker Hill Pale Ale.

Young Aaron Burr brought some pistols in case
anyone wanted to duel and Benjamin Franklin had a box full
of kites festooned with an array of stripes and stars.

Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson’s
Monticello estate, Paul Revere galloped up on his horse, Tea
Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British
are coming!"
"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who
then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a Valley Forge Lager.

Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate
host. He had set up a dunking booth with an unfortunate Tory
dressed up like the King of England and the children hollered
"Taxation without representation!" as they hurled
stones to knock the hapless "king" into the water.

Garbed in a chef’s hat and an apron embroidered
with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal,"
Jefferson flipped burgers and hot dogs at the grill and ladled
tankards of East India Company iced tea out of a barrel.

"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian
Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"

Spirits were high because there was a growing
sense that the Colonies were sick and tired of being bossed
around by King George III, who little Andrew Jackson kept
calling "King Georgie Porgie Fatty."

After everyone was stuffed, Jefferson gathered
the whole group and pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper
with some fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began
reading. "When in the course of human events," he
began, "yada, yada, yada… We hold these truths to be,
um…"

"Self-evident?"
suggested Ben Franklin.

"Yeah that’s it, self-evident … that
all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these
are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of …"

"Beer!" shouted Sam Adams.

"Naked chicks!!" exclaimed Paul Revere.

"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who
droned on for about 20 more minutes until Revere said Jefferson’s
"Declaration of Impudence" was right on the money.

John Hancock grabbed a pen and Adams spilled
a little of his beer onto the edges of the document, saying
it would help give it that "parchment" feel.

Then the celebration really started to get lively.
Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but
Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed
with gun powder and various minerals that produced colorful
streaks when ignited.

As Hancock lit the fuse of a Red Glare Whistling
Aerial Repeater, he was distracted for a moment by an attractive
young slave and the charge detonated, blowing off both his
right hand and his favorite powdered wig.

Fortunately,
a young seamstress named Betsy Ross dropped what she was working
on, grabbed Hancock’s hand and began sewing it back onto his
arm.

Despite the accident, John
Adams suggested — for real — that henceforth we
should celebrate our independence each Fourth of July with
"pomp and parade … guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations
from one end of this continent to the other, from this time
forward forevermore."

So that’s the story of our nation’s first Independence
Day. I still can’t believe that I found it where I did —
scrawled on the back of a 230-year-old, corndog-encrusted
cocktail napkin in the shaky but unmistakable hand of John
Hancock.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is believed
to be a direct descendent of Denzel Washington.

Dodds
takes detour on road to D.C

By John Breneman

Skeptical
of congressional candidate Gary
Dodds’ claim that he may have swerved to avoid a deer
when he bumped into a guardrail on the Spaulding Turnpike
then vanished for 26 hours, police are pursuing a new lead
involving a possible second deer, perched on a nearby grassy
knoll.

Dodds
reportedly described the deer as 6 feet tall, 350 pounds,
clad in a handsome brown pelt with a white patch on its throat
and "dark, shifty eyes" — possibly wearing a ski
mask.

A wildlife expert said if Dodds had encountered a deer with
his vehicle on the night of April 5, 2006, the animal would
have been scared shitless. Yet the local CSI team found nothing
when it dusted for scat.

However, they did discover pungent evidence suggesting the
recent presence a large weasel. Unconfirmed reports suggest
a magical unicorn also may have been involved.

Police have obtained a search warrant for Dodds’ clothes
to help figure out if he’s been sending them on a wild deer
chase with his amnesia-riddled tale of whacking his head and
wandering the woods and rivers of Dover.

Shortly after the incident, Dodds seemed unsure about whether
his 1997
Lincoln Continental had burst into flames (it had
not) and whether or not he had been kidnapped by a previously
unknown tribe of Granite State forest gnomes.

The befuddled Washington wannabe quickly demonstrated one
of his key qualifications for Congress, blaming his woes on
the media and accusing the local press of a "politically
motivated witch hunt."

Sources say Dodds plans to lay low for a while, maybe cruise
the Lincoln down to Rhode Island to get some campaign advice
from fellow crazy-drivin’ Democrat Patrick Kennedy.

Public opinion is split, with a new fake poll showing that
42% of the voters believe Dodds was probably just practicing
lying in case he somehow won his bizarre bid to represent
some extremely puzzled constituents in the U.S. Congress.