Martha
Stewart to introduce
stylish line of ankle bracelets

By John Breneman

Inmate #55170-054 (aka Martha Stewart) busted out of the
Big House today and is now holed up at her $16 million mansion
in Bedford, N.Y., where she will serve five months under house
arrest.

Stewart’s next step is to meet with her probation officer
Monday morning to receive an electronic ankle bracelet; she’ll
then report to her jeweler to have the plain black monitoring
device festooned with diamonds and white gold.

The devious domestic diva — convicted last March of lying
to federal investigators about an insider trading stock deal
— said her five-month stint at the Alderson Federal Women’s
Prison in West Virginia taught her some valuable lessons.
She promised she will never again fib to federal authorities
and said she would also avoid white lies, especially in social situations
better suited to off-white or beige falsehoods.

Stewart, 63, said she also learned how to disable a bull-dyke
prison guard with a crude but elegant diamond-studded shiv
and how to turn a frilly pillow case into a deadly weapon
by filling it with soda cans and savagely whipping it about
like Sean Penn in the movie "Bad Boys."

The convicted felon/media superstar reportedly has created
some exciting new recipes for bread and water, as well as
a decadent Chocolate Hacksaw Layer Cake. She also picked up
some handy tips for polishing those tarnished brass knuckles
and learned 101 uses for a broken razor blade.

Analysts say the high-profile Stewart trial yielded several
important legal insights: 1) It doesn’t pay to parade into
court flaunting a handbag that costs more than what most jurors
earn in a year; and 2) the government is not afraid to spend
millions prosecuting someone for a $50,000 stock swindle if
the defendant is famous enough to advance the careers of all
those involved.

Though critics have suggested the case against Stewart was
motivated by her celebrity status, prosecutors have deflected
all such questions, including those involving book or movie
deals, to their agents.

The jury is still out on whether her prison record will harm
her career as a product pitch-woman, but Kmart today introduced
a new Martha Stewart line of stylish but affordable orange
jumpsuits.

Next up, Stewart is slated to star in a spinoff of Donald
Trump’s "The Apprentice." But instead of parroting
Trump’s signature phrase "You’re fired," she is
experimenting with harder-edged jailhouse slogans like "You’re
dead meat, bitch" or "I’m gonna cut you."

Gazette linked in Moore’s "Must
Read"

The Saddam insane artwork created to illustrate
the March 2 Humor Gazette exclusive
"Madman Hussein to plead insanity" (see below) is
posted under the Thursday, March 3,
"Must
Read" report on Michael Moore’s website. Our
thanks to Mr. Moore and his associates.
We are also proudly
listed on the "Enemies
List" of FOX News President Roger Ailes.

Hussein attorneys claim he’s insane

By
John Breneman

Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges
of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.

"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said
the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do
not like green eggs and ham."

Hussein told an Iraqi judge
that he is also a CIA hitman, a Mesopotamian deity and a porn
star known by the stage name Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein
also claimed he
partied with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.

Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that
he told Oprah that Hussein’s insanity defense is bolstered
by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman"
approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 11, 2001.

But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that
Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the
words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons
of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda."

McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed
President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as
a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people
killed.

Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has
been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally
inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels. His
legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein
as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times.

"This
is all theater. The real criminal is Bush," a
defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary
fruit flies and humming "U Can’t Touch This" by
M.C. Hammer.

"Hussein. Rhymes with ‘insane’. Can you dig it?"
concluded the wacky Iraqi madman.

Bugs
Bunny pimped out
by greedy cartoon execs

By John Breneman

There is a new word for ripping the soul from classic creations
of American contemporary art in exchange for another couple
million bucks. It’s called "re-imagining."

At least that’s what the greedy bottom-liners at Warner Brothers
are calling their insidious plot to give Bugs Bunny (to use
the terminology of the day) an "extreme makeover."

Hapless, heavily armed Elmer Fudd could never kill Bugs.
So now the job falls to the WB gang, convinced they can squeeze
more cash out of the beloved cartoon icon by "re-imagining"
him and his friends as futuristic crimefighters in the year
2772.

Reimagine? Pardon me if I repudiate this repulsive
and reprehensible bit of revisionist animation.

Executives at Warner Brothers — reeling from the fact that
their Saturday-morning Kids WB lineup is getting thrashed
by Nickelodeon, the Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel
— apparently dismissed the challenge of creating something
cool and original and instead hatched a lame plan to recycle
Bugs Bunny in outer space.

Entitled "Loonatics," the new cartoon series takes
the classic "Looney Tunes" characters and retrofits
them with retrorockets to see how they will fare in a zero-gravity,
zero-creativity environment.

Does this mean the new vehicle will flatten old Bugs into
festering carcass of cultural roadkill? No, the animated folk
hero who for decades disarmed adversaries with wit and wise-cracks
will certainly survive this ill-conceived case of identity
theft.

But make no mistake, despite strenuous objections from the
SPCA (the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animated
Animals), the real Bugs Bunny is being harmed in the
making of this sequel.

First of all, he has been skinned and scalped – his familiar
fuzzy gray-and-white pelt replaced with a futuristic black-and-yellow
exoskeleton. His neatly gloved hands now resemble razor-sharp
claws and his mischievous grin has been erased, replaced on
his face with a dark, menacing leer.

So is this the latest sign that the entertainment apocalypse
is upon us? Or just another so-what moment in the decline
of American arts and culture?

Sadly, we are no longer surprised when a TV show we have
come to care about is forced by its creators to "jump
the shark." That’s the term – inspired by the episode
of "Happy Days" when Fonzie did just that in water
skis and a leather jacket – now used to describe the moment
when a show becomes so ludicrous that there is nowhere to
go but down.

Somehow we thought Bugs Bunny might be spared such an indignity,
but now we learn that the proud legacy of one of America’s
greatest cartoon heroes is in danger of being squashed by
a 20-ton space anvil.

Joining Bugs (now called Buzz) for his descent into the black
hole will be Wile E. Coyote (aka Slick), the Road Runner (Roadster),
the Tasmanian Devil (Spaz), Lola Bunny (Lexi) and Daffy Duck
(Duck). We are told that each character possesses a special
crime-fighting power and that the plots are action-oriented
– filled with chases and fights.

Unfortunately, Bugs was more adept at fending off shotgun-toting
hunters than craven cartoon honchos at Warner Brothers, where
the thinking seems to be: If it ain’t broke, distort it into
a barely recognizable shadow of its former self and try to
parlay brand recognition into advertising and merchandising
revenue.

I’m trying hard not to imagine where else all this "re-imagining"
could lead. But the real Bugs Bunny must be spinning in his
hole, haunted by visions of Buzz Bunny action figures and
"Loonatics" DVDs.

We can only hope that Daffy Duck, with his over-the-top lisp,
will sound effeminate enough to irritate the anti-gay cartoon
crusaders who have been persecuting poor SpongeBob SquarePants.
Insufferable succotash.

What one man can accomplish

An appreciation of
Arthur Miller          By
Lars Trodson

Arthur
Miller came out of that great American era of steam and muscle
and steel, the 1930s, when the direction of the world could
seemingly be changed through conversation or a nightstick.

Both the world and Arthur Miller outgrew that notion. Miller,
who died Feb. 10 at the age of 89, wrote new plays with great
consistency right up until the end of his life, but they had
stopped having any critical or artistic import.

The school of agitprop, the headmaster of which is Clifford
Odets — agitating and propagandizing — was moralistic and
straight and the world has become wobbly and inconsistent.
Arthur Miller, sadly, seemed antiquated even before he had
gotten old.

But, but …

As the world has become more erratic, Willie Loman and Miller’s
"Death of a Salesman" seem more fixed in it than
ever. Its moral center remains both permanent and eternally
accessible. "A man is not a piece of fruit," said
Willy Loman.

You should not just throw him — or a great work of art —
away. Willie Loman (low-man) is still with us, the sadsack
who tries to make good, the schnook who gets stampeded by
an uncaring and voracious society. It’s just that we don’t
see him on stage so much any more; he’s now usually the first
contender booted off the latest reality show.     FULL
ARTICLE

Lars Trodson has been writing and editing for newspapers
for almost 20 years,
has had several plays produced, and writes
for regional and national magazines.
He can be reached at
larsdoodle@aol.com.

Hi,
I’m Patti Arbuckle.

I lost 452 pounds thanks to the Humor Gazette Diet, and you
can too.

Two months ago I was so friggin’ fat, I had given up all
hope of ever seeing my (censored) ever again.

But then one night while cramming fistfuls of Doritos and
unrefined Domino’s sugar into my piehole during a 3 a.m. "Cagney
& Lacey" rerun, I saw a commercial for the miracle
diet that saved my life.

The Humor Gazette Diet’s special blend of carbs, calories
and cholesterol interacts with your body’s own metabolism
to melt those pounds away.

I admit I was skeptical … didn’t believe I could lose
weight by combining unusual delicacies like goat beef and
Lucky Charms cereal. But before I knew it, that extra quarter-ton
of blubber had disappeared and my skin hung on me like a cheap
radiation suit.

Now I’ve gained a quarter-ton of self-esteem AND rediscovered
my enthusiasm for stamp collecting, long pony rides and sexual
intercourse.

Thank you, Humor Gazette!!

Common sense horoscope

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700 for
a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane
evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you
communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids
sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20) Don’t leave your money lying out where bad
people can steal it. Eating food may supply much-needed nutrients.
Resist an urge to defecate on your evening meal.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Unprotected sex with people
who have AIDS could have unhealthy consequences. You may regret
incinerating your prize possessions. Don’t wink at psycopaths.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A loved one advises you to
wear protective eyegear while brandishing an acetylene torch.
Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate
moment.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A job could provide a useful
source of income. Resist an impulse to curse out your employer.
Cooperation on a key project is more effective than backstabbing.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Avoid pointing a loaded
weapon at your head while cleaning it this evening. Loved
ones may not appreciate suggestions that they are stupid.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don’t trust strangers who
offer to take your money and double it. Regular breathing
may help provide oxygen to the brain. Consider sleeping tonight.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are wise not to
taunt a surly motorcycle gang. Consuming a fifth of Jack Daniels
could lead to trouble. Refrain from peeing in public today.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Avoid smashing other
vehicles when driving today. An authority figure prohibits
you from going 145 mph. Using the steering wheel will help
get you where you want to go.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A puppy may make a better
pet than even the most amiable scorpion. Reaching into boiling
water could be painful. Kindness is preferable to manslaughter.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Apply sunscreen when lying
motionless on the beach for more than 8 hours. Too much liposuction
may lead to complications. Going to the bathroom may aid your
digestion.

Abe and George drive hard bargain

By John Breneman

We
Americans sure do know how to honor our greatest presidents.
We use ’em to sell cars.

A couple years ago on President’s Day, I read in the newspaper
that Abraham Lincoln was rated by a panel of scholars as the
nation’s greatest president ever. Said so right on Page 3.

Then I turned to the automotive section to find a sad-eyed
Abe in wearing a conical birthday hat and tooting a party
horn to trumpet the "Historic Deals" at some Volkswagen
dealership.

Further
down the page George Washington (ranked #3 in the greatest-ever
poll) is sporting the same red-and-white striped chapeau with
the tassel on top as Lincoln. But his party horn is cut off
by a ’98 Jetta pricetag, making it look like he’s smoking
something or sucking his thumb.

It’s official. President’s Day is now commemorated by a gaudy
electoral collage of car advertisements — a crass display
of patriotic good intentions gone garishly awry.

For some reason, I feel it is my (Honda) civic duty to (Ford)
focus on the (Acura) legends who have served in the White
House over the past (Buick) centuries. Each of these (Dodge)
intrepid men had his own (Mercury) mystique and wisdom that
will help our next president chart a prosperous (Eagle) vision
for the new (Mazda) millennia.

Is it any wonder that President’s Day has devolved into a
vehicle for eight-cylinder consumerism?

After all, when you think of it, being a politician is a
lot like being a used car salesman. You have to be a convincing
smooth talker who inspires confidence in the prospective car
buyer/voter. (We want Lincolns and Fords that can pass inspection
and win election.)

One dealership featured a "President’s Day Blowout!"
with a postcard view of Mount Rushmore sandwiched between
a Toyota Camry and a Tacoma 4×4. Peering off the mountain
is Teddy Roosevelt, a rough rider and native (Chrysler) New
Yorker who is probably spinning out in his grave.

In another ad, full-body cartoons of Washington and Lincoln
are shown scampering toward each other while bookending the
message "We Will Not Be Undersold."

Word balloons put "quotes" in the mouths of our
greatest leaders. Lincoln exclaims, "All options at dealer
cost!" And Washington chimes in "Instant financing
too!" This is in an ad for Subaru Legacy sedans and wagons.

Legacy?!?!?

Don’t these car peddlers realize that they are exploiting
the proud legacies of our greatest presidents by turning them
into Subaru shills and pickup truck hucksters?

One ad touted "unpresidented" savings. The word
is dead on because in many of these ads Crazy George and Honest
Abe are literally "unpresidented" — stripped of
presidential dignity as they are morphed into cartoon characters
endorsing mechanized contraptions that did not exist in their
lifetimes.

So I guess I just find it a little confusing when George
Washington says, "3.9% APR financing available."

Now the trend toward phony presidential pitchmen is oozing
over into other types of commerce.
There was a President’s Day sale at Circuit City, where you
could pick up a (Herbert?) Hoover Turbo Power Upright vacuum
cleaner for $299.

But the real action was at Kitchen Etc., which featured President’s
Day specials on fine china and other household items. Warren
G. Harding’s portrait shows him to favor a 16-piece china
set depicting red New England barns, while Ronald Reagan endorses
dishes with an American flag motif.

I don’t even think I could make up the following images from
the Kitchen Etc. flier: Thomas Jefferson offering a Pedrini
enameled corkscrew at the guaranteed low price of $9.99; Abe
Lincoln recommending a 103-piece set of Pfatzgraff Cantebury
flatware; Andrew Jackson a Wearever nonstick chicken skillet;
and Herbert Hoover a Joyce Chen wok and accessories.
What next? Franklin D. Roosevelt coming out with a new line
of wheelchairs? Coolidge and Hoover lending presidential credibility
to the latest anti-Depression drug?

Maybe it’s just a sign of these strange times that we’ve
got ex-presidents offering us factory air and power windows.

Perhaps we are at a crossroads in our nation’s autopolitical
history. If so, you will surely want a roomy, smooth-handling
automobile for that bumpy ride down the campaign trail.

My advice: I hear you can get a good deal on a red, white
and blue Ford Windstar with a power moonroof and 159-year
warranty from our eighth president, Martin "Mini"
Van Buren.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman always keeps a spare
satire in the trunk of his car.

Satirist
stripped
of White House
press credential

By John Breneman

Another fake reporter was booted from the White House briefing
room today when investigative satirist Arturo DeMaunchie of
the Humor Gazette News Service was stripped of his day pass
and told not to let the door hit his ass on the way out.

DeMaunchie — believed to be an alias for Humor Gazette editor
Reid Page (also an alias) — is the latest victim of a crackdown
on White House access following the revelation that a creepy
bald alleged gay-prostitute Republican stooge calling himself
Jeff Gannon had somehow obtained press credentials.

Like Gannon (whose real name is James Guckert and who owns
a Web site called HotMilitaryStud.com), DeMaunchie drew attention
to himself by asking occasional oddball questions.

But unlike Gannon — memorably seen asking Bush how he plans
to work with Democrats who seemed to have "divorced themselves
from reality" — the Humor Gazette reporter was deemed
to have gone too far when he shouted, "Mr. President,
how can I get me some of that Armstrong Williams money?!?"

DeMaunchie (who owns Web sites called HotSatireStuds.com
and HumorHunks.org) had filed a series of exclusives critical
of the administration, including "President
drops a comic bomb" and
"Bush received faulty intelligence from God."
He raised eyebrows at a recent press conference by asking,
"Mr. President, how strongly do you support the God-given
right of every fetus to own a gun?"

While most media analysts dismiss DeMaunchie as harmless
comic relief, the Guckert affair is viewed as a significant
breach of White House security and ethics.

Critics say it is the latest in a series of surreal incidents
— PR payoffs to conservative pundits, fake town hall-style
meetings, fake Medicare "news reports" filed by
fake reporters and deadly distortion of the threat posed by
non-existence WMDs — that illustrate the challenges of covering
a White House that has divorced itself from reality.

Now three out of four pundits are calling for an investigation
into who planted this loose Gannon on the company softball
team.

Related stories:

Bush front
group attacks satire publication’s credibility   (Aug.
25, 2004)

White House
smear campaign targets Humor Gazette   (March
31, 2004)

Plot thickens in JackoGate trial

Michael Jackson, shown here encased in gold with his former chimp "Bubbles," has pleaded not guilty to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson’s medical team announced today that the frail,
pasty pop star will not be able to stand trial because he
is suffering from "the vapors."

With its star in the hospital, production ground to a halt
on the set of "The Making of the Michael Jackson Molestation
Trial." However, fans of the Jacko media circus will
not be disappointed because the epic $2.5 billion freak show
features no shortage of subplots.

For example, five members of Jackson’s nose maintenance team
were fired just hours after courtroom observers said the singer
seemed to have difficulty breathing through his freakishly
tiny artificial snout.

But the big news centers on the star-studded witness list
unveiled by attorneys for Jackson, who has pleaded not guilty
to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

Elizabeth Taylor is expected to testify that Jackson is actually
not a pedophile, but rather a sequin-gloved love machine who
enjoys busting into the robot dance during their wild sessions
of heterosexual passion.

Kobe Bryant will state that Jackson definitely was not with
him in Colorado when he allegedly raped a young hotel worker
and Stevie Wonder will swear that he never saw Jackson molest
anyone.

Geraldo Rivera, broadcasting live from the barracks of the
JackoGate media encampment outside the Santa Barbara County
Courthouse, started a rumor that the witness list has been
expanded to include Pope John Paul, O.J. Simpson and noted
media icon Geraldo Rivera.

Prince Charles stated in a deposition that Jackson was a
"perfect gentleman" during a 1999 visit to Neverland,
even after Prince Harry raided the liquor cabinet and set
fire to a three giraffes, a baboon and a rare albino panther.
Prince Michael Jackson, the pop star’s artificially conceived
son, may also take the stand, along with Saudi Prince Bandar
and the artist once again known as Prince.

Other potential character witnesses include North Korean
whackjob Kim Jong Il, embattled Disney CEO Mickey Mouse and
a bunch of Catholic priests.

Related Humor Gazette exclusives:

New poll finds
Jacko is wacko   (May 5, 2004)

Jacko takes
Iowa in Democratic primary   (Jan. 20, 2004)