Nostradamus issues terror warning

By
John Breneman

Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge
today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."

Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents
have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century
prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger"
posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."

The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of
the John Kerry’s rousing speech at the Democratic National
Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless
warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.

"The terrorists hate the word ‘democracy’ so much they
are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said
Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and
vote for President Bush "just to be safe."

Ridge, who has been criticized for issuing vague terror alerts
timed to counter any Democratic momentum in the presidential
race, said the Nostradamus prophecy was fairly specific. It
read, in part:

"Some asshole named Mohammed, or maybe Abdul, will
try to blow something up. But instead of a metal bird crashing
down from the sky, look for a brownish 1989 Toyota SR5 pickup
truck loaded with ammonium nitrate."

As further evidence that a terrorist strike may be imminent,
Ridge said President Bush mentioned that in his most recent
conversation with God, the Supreme Being seemed a little edgy
but would not say why.

The fact that a faceless enemy may wipe us off the map at
any moment does not conflict with President Bush’s claim that
he has made America safer, according to Ridge, who confided
that Nostradamus also praised Bush for "the president’s
leadership in the war against terror."

Responding to skeptics, Ridge pointed out that Nostradamus
correctly foretold the breakup of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck,
and rise of so-called "reality programming," which
he called simply "mindless drivel." The terror czar
hinted there might be some additional Nostradamus "chatter"
containing dirt on John Kerry, but did not elaborate.

Critics counter that the visionary Frenchman failed to predict
that President Bush would choke on a pretzel, fall off his
bike (twice) and respond to the darkest hour of his administration
by continuing to read "My Pet Goat" to a group of
schoolchildren.

Letter
to the groom

I’m tying the knot this weekend. Below is a note I wrote
to a friend of mine a little while back when he was getting
married…

Dear Chris —

I’m thrilled and honored that you’ve asked me to be your
best man. I hope I can help in some small way to make your
wedding day unforgettable. Just got your tuxedo instructions
in the mail, but it turns out I won’t need to be fitted after
all.

I have a wardrobe of about 15 custom tuxes for all occasions
but am having a new one tailored for your special day. I’m
sure you and Lisa won’t mind that I have added a few flourishes.

It will be the traditional black velvet, of course, an Armani
"Monkey Suit" model with prehensile tails. I’ve
taken the liberty of adding a broad, white Formula One-style
racing stripe down my back, with the numerals 910 emblazoned
next to it. The suit is fire-retardant, of course, and conforms
to rigorous NASCAR safety specifications.

I’ve also added a trifle of raspberry wainscotting to the
jacket and faux alligator-skin ruffles to the legs of my see-through
Ralph Lauren pants.

I will be sporting a military-fatigue utility cummerbund,
with velcro pockets to accommodate my arsenal of weapons,
communications devices and intoxicants.

My bowtie is a little something I found at Weddingo’s Novelty
Shoppe. It is fluorescent black and will spin around at a
rate of approximately 600 revolutions per minute.

My
state-of-the-art neckwear will emit a high-pitched squealing
sound and shoot white sparks approximately five feet into
the air, but its force should not be sufficient to lift me
off the ground at any point during the ceremony.

In recognition of my religious beliefs, I will have to insist
on wearing a 4-foot-tall chromium alloy cross around my neck,
encrusted with polished gravel and etched with the likenesses
of Pedro Martinez, Speed Racer and Jesus.

I plan to wear my favorite Indonesian-rules kickboxing gloves,
if that is OK, and my steel-toed platform Doc Marten boots.
Black, of course.

I’ve created a lovely organic cauliflower boutonniere, but
am waffling on whether to wear my "Whack Iraq" stickpin.

The timeless elegance of matching 4-carat diamond tongue
and nose studs should round out the ensemble quite nicely,
I think.

I guess that’s about it — other than my Jose Cuervo eyepatch,
my 3-foot-tall Dr. Seuss top hat and my fire-red "Congratulations
Chris and Lisa" neck tattoo.

Looking forward to the big day!

PS — Just let me know if you want me to take care of the
wedding cake.

John

Bush received faulty intelligence from
God

By
John Breneman

A Senate panel not only determined the U.S. used bad information
to justify the war in Iraq, it also weighed in on a report
that President Bush may have received faulty intelligence
from God.

Bush, who claims to have consulted the Lord before making
the decision to go to war, said God convinced him that Iraq
had weapons of mass destruction and told him Saddam Hussein
was a "madman" and a "freedom-hating thug."
When asked specifically if Hussein was connected to al Qaeda,
Bush said the Creator-in-Chief responded, "Yep."

But the Senate panel investigating pre-war intelligence said
that, even though the president talks about religion a lot
and ends every speech with the words "God Bless America,"
it could find no direct link between President Bush and the
Lord.

However, Vice President Dick Cheney defended a possible White
House-Heaven link, saying the absence of documentation that
Bush talked directly to God does not mean such a meeting did
not take place.

Washington observers say the possibility that Bush got bad
intelligence from "the man upstairs" has not diminished

the president’s faith in God. Bush has resisted pressure to
dump the Lord from his Cabinet and said the omnipotent deity
is doing "a fabulous job."

Supporters say they cannot blame Bush for faulty intelligence
about Iraq’s weapons if it came directly from the great warrior
in the sky. Democrats, however, claim the intelligence failure
between Bush and the Lord dates back as early as 1946, when
God created the future president.

Carrying a torch for Olympic innovation

Greco-Roman dope-slapping champion Mavis "Ironfist" Smith prepares to "finish" an opponent in an Olympic qualifying match.

By John Breneman

Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee,
today unveiled several new surprises he has in store for the
2004 Summer Games in Athens, Greece.

Acknowledging that society today is far more violent than
when the modern Games began in Athens, Greece, in 1896, Rogge
has announced several new events to give the Games a "tougher
edge."

"The fans want action," said Rogge, who fiddled
with a blazing acetylene torch during his press conference.
"They want guts and glory. Danger. Pain."

Among Rogge’s innovations:

Trampoline Taekwondo — Competitors try to pummel
each other with an acrobatic array of kicks and punches, while
springing nearly 30 feet in the air and working in such compulsory
and optional moves as the double front somersault with a full
twist.

Drive-By Pentathlon — Unlike its traditional counterpart
the Modern Pentathlon (an event consisting of shooting, fencing,
swimming, riding and running) the gritty urban Drive-By Pentathlon
tests a competitor’s skill at shooting, trash talking, driving,
running and more shooting.

Pistol Whip — Loosely based on the Hammer Throw,
this event tests a competitor’s ability to subdue an opponent
with the butt end of his weapon, then hurl it for maximum
distance and pretend nothing happened.

Rogge also listed among his new "hard-core" events:
bareknuckle boxing, extreme fencing and Greco-Roman dope-slapping.

Other new "action" events being tried on an exhibition
basis include:

Bungee Pole Vaulting — Largely an underground sport
since it was first popularized by the great champion of the
1970s, Clarence "Umbilical Cord" Jones, bungee pole
vaulting is largely indistinguishable from regular pole vaulting
except that spectators get to see colorfully and heavily padded
competitors use pneumatic pogo-poles to fling themselves as
far as 300 feet through the air.

Part of the appeal is that the athletes tend to spray themselves
all over the arena, sometimes even into the stands. During
the 1999 world championships, local favorite Paul Voltaire
Jr. received a standing ovation when he accidentally flung
himself through the javelin competition and was speared in
the buttocks before crash landing in the long jump pit. Voltaire
also holds the distance record with a painful 437-foot vault
at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

Synchronized Shot Put — Nimble behemoths heave the
lead ball identical distances after a precisely choreographed
routine of momentum-building gyrations. Plus, fans love how
cute the gargantuan athletes look in their matching leotards.

Equestrian Pommel Horse — Using extraordinary strength,
the athletes fling themselves through a whirling helicopter-like
series of moves while touching the horse with only their hands.
Unlike the stationary pommel horse in mens gymnastics, however,
this event ALSO requires competitors to guide an ACTUAL horse
through a challenging obstacle course, traversing high fences
and water hazards while holding the reins in their teeth.

"It’s all about the TV ratings, baby," said Rogge,
who announced that he would soon reveal the steamy details
of a new event for 2008 that he calls the Sextathlon.

Other events being considered for the 2008 Summer Games in
South Berwick include: Nintendo Triathlon, Quadruple Jump
and Olympic Torch Fighting.

Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman is a former member
of the U.S. national Synchronized Syntax team.