Nostradamus issues terror warning
Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge
today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."
Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents
have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century
prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger"
posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."
The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of
the John Kerry’s rousing speech at the Democratic National
Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless
warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.
"The terrorists hate the word ‘democracy’ so much they
are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said
Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and
vote for President Bush "just to be safe."
Ridge, who has been criticized for issuing vague terror alerts
timed to counter any Democratic momentum in the presidential
race, said the Nostradamus prophecy was fairly specific. It
read, in part:
"Some asshole named Mohammed, or maybe Abdul, will
try to blow something up. But instead of a metal bird crashing
down from the sky, look for a brownish 1989 Toyota SR5 pickup
truck loaded with ammonium nitrate."
As further evidence that a terrorist strike may be imminent,
Ridge said President Bush mentioned that in his most recent
conversation with God, the Supreme Being seemed a little edgy
but would not say why.
The fact that a faceless enemy may wipe us off the map at
any moment does not conflict with President Bush’s claim that
he has made America safer, according to Ridge, who confided
that Nostradamus also praised Bush for "the president’s
leadership in the war against terror."
Responding to skeptics, Ridge pointed out that Nostradamus
correctly foretold the breakup of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck,
and rise of so-called "reality programming," which
he called simply "mindless drivel." The terror czar
hinted there might be some additional Nostradamus "chatter"
containing dirt on John Kerry, but did not elaborate.
Critics counter that the visionary Frenchman failed to predict
that President Bush would choke on a pretzel, fall off his
bike (twice) and respond to the darkest hour of his administration
by continuing to read "My Pet Goat" to a group of
schoolchildren.