the campaign trail
Crash-test dummies endorse Nader
Ralph Nader's controversial quest for the presidency received
a major boost today as the nation's crash-test dummies pledged
their silent support.
Nader, best known in political circles for helping George
W. Bush reach the White House in the 2000 election, rose to
prominence in the mid-1960s when his book "Unsafe at
Any Speed" led to new automobile safety laws.
"This president is a friggin' lemon," said Nader,
invoking the terminology that made him almost as much of a
pariah in the automobile industry as he is now among Democrats
who believe his candidacy will help Bush gain re-election.
See Nader, next page
Ban puppy love
By John Breneman
Waving a picture of two English bull mastiffs - one sporting
a top hat and tuxedo, the other a lovely white bridal veil
- former Vice President Dan Quayle today called upon Congress
to pass a law banning canine marriage.
The lovestruck mutts were photographed exchanging "vows"
at a recent dog wedding in Panama City, Florida.
"These, these ... animals make a mockery of traditional American
values," said Quayle, a leading voice in the fight against
former vice president, who recently got a court injunction to block
a planned wedding between a pair of Indiana iguanas, said legislation
is needed to "preserve the sanctity of man-woman marriage and
its impressive 50 percent success ratio."
President Bush, who has expressed his belief that marriage ought
to be reserved for heterosexuals, held a press conference to announce
that he meant human heterosexuals.
Bush added that he is vehemently opposed to any wedding involving
animals, including but not limited to monkeys, cats, parakeets,
Gambian rats, zebras, donkeys, elephants, birds and/or bees and
The Rev. Franklin Graham applauded the president's remarks, saying
that while he respected the rights of God-fearing dogs to sniff
each others' bums, he felt that dog weddings are an "an insult
to the Lord and his devoutly celibate pit bull, Mr. Tyson."
The Rev. Graham, son of evangelist Billy Graham, urged
people who share his belief to send money so he can continue
to be "a voice for people who think dogs should stick
to chasing cats and burying bones, and not poke their noses
into human pursuits like marriage, divisive politics and good
old-fashioned hatred of those different than us."
New probe probes impact of probes
Hulk fails to save Dean from meltdown
Dean reached out to voters throughout New Hampshire today,
building on his newfound status as the first major presidential
candidate to emit an unnerving squeal on the campaign trail.
A senior adviser said the screech that punctuated Dean's aggressive
concession speech in Iowa on Monday night was actually a calculated
effort to demonstrate that "George W. Bush isn't the
only guy in this race who's a little loco." The spokesman
also denied a rumor that Dean was "jacked up on angel
dust" for the speech or that Rush Limbaugh had slipped
him an OxyContin mickey.
President Bush warns
he may use military force vs. Democrats
By John Breneman
With his poll numbers slipping, President
Bush said today he would not rule out using military
force if he feels any of the Democratic candidates poses
a significant threat to U.S. interests.
The president said he has evidence that retired
Gen. Wesley Clark and other Democratic contenders may be stockpiling
chemical and biological weapons in their campaign warchests.
Further, Bush said, the British government has documents purporting
to show that Sen. John Kerry attempted to purchase uranium
"yellow cake" from Niger.
either with us or you're a terrorist," said Bush, who
claimed to possess some "darn good intelligence"
revealing that each Democratic candidate opposes both the
president and his policies. Bush said he has learned that
Howard Dean and Joe Lieberman have ties to al Qaeda and that
Al Sharpton once invited Saddam Hussein and his sons to a
P. Diddy concert.
If the Democrats persist in criticizing the
war in Iraq, the president said he will have no choice but
to "give 'em a taste of heavy artillery." Asked
what types of offenses might warrant a military response,
Bush said he would only consider deploying troops if the Democrats
continue to whine about U.S. casualties in Iraq and the need
to seek help from the international community.
The president's mother, Barbara Bush, who recently
called the field of Democratic contenders "a pretty sorry
group," said she stands prepared to use even harsher
language "if those pathetic liberal jackasses don't stop
harassing my Georgie."
Bush stopped short of issuing a formal declaration
of war against his rivals, but assured the American people
that he would not hesitate to use some of his favorite "nuke-u-lar
weapons" to defeat the menacing Democratic "axis
Howard Dean endorsed
by Dukes of Hazzard
By John Breneman
Dukes of Hazzard support Dean
The fabled "Dukes of Hazzard" endorsed Democratic
presidential candidate Howard Dean today, responding
to Dean's recent comment that he wants to be "the
candidate for guys with Confederate flags in their pickup
Support from Southern icons Bo and Luke Duke was welcome
news for Dean, who sparked a controversy with his casual mention
of the banner that symbolizes the repression and enslavement
The former Vermont governor was in full damage control mode
today, saying what he really meant was that he wants to be
"the candidate for guys who drink shots of Jack Daniels
out of Dixie cups."
The incident forced the Dean camp to address criticism of
racial insensitivity. Newly hired spokesman Kunta Kinte III
said Dean subsisted on a diet of chitlins and collard greens
while putting himself through medical school and is a big
fan of the TV sitcom "Whoopi."
The Dukes said the moment they heard Dean might need their
help they hopped through the busted-out windows of the General
Lee -- their famed 1969 Dodge Charger with a Confederate flag
painted on top -- and hit the gas, spitting up dust and getting
the needle up to 135 mph on their way to Vermont.
New poll numbers released today show Dean running well ahead
of his rivals in pivotal Hazzard County now that the Dukes
have pledged to help him "get that greedy Boss Hogg out
of the White House."
Presidential candidate looking for action
By John Breneman
Democratic chick magnet Dennis J. Kucinich
wants your vote for president of the United States. He also
wants some action. Real bad. A goony-looking
dork whose quest for the presidency seems puzzling and absurd
to most observers, Kucinich finally generated some media buzz
for his campaign last week by saying he likes to "fantasize
about my first lady."
said he pines for "a dynamic, outspoken woman ... fearless
in her desire for peace in the world, for universal single-payer
health care and for a full-employment economy." When pressed,
Kucinich admitted that what he really wants is "a babe-a-licious
tramp with large, pouting knockers and an insatiable desire for
boring missionary sex."
Political analysts say Rep. Kucinich, whose
only previous known romantic encounter was with his beloved Farrah
Fawcett poster, may be reaching out to an influential voting bloc
known as the "celibate nerd demographic."
Many believe the lovelorn politician's heartfelt
expression of his innate lameness may also win him valuable "sympathy
votes" for simply admitting that he can't get laid and putting
out a national appeal for help.
The horny congressman is getting some assistance
from a New Hampshire web site that is posting photos and messages
from prospective first ladies at www.politicsnh.com. The site also
gives revealing personal information about the randy candidate.
Turn-ons: serving as chairman of the Congressional
Progressive Caucus, advocating for a national health care system
and enjoying long walks and vegan picnics on the beach.
Turn-offs: when bullies kick sand on him at
the beach. "That's mean," he said.
In other campaign news: Kucinich apologized
to fellow candidate Carol Moseley Braun for "inadvertently"
nuzzling his head in her bosom and saying "What's shakin' Big
Mama?" after a recent debate.