"Straight plan for the Constitution, man."

President declares war on gay marriage
Bush strikes blow for sanctity of satire

By John Breneman

WASHINGTON -- Citing an imminent threat to his base of support on the religious right, President Bush today called for a constitutional amendment banning millions of people from participating in what he called "the most fundamental institution of civilization."

"Dicking around with the sanctity of the Constitution is the only way to nip this thing in the butt," said Bush.

When reporters began to ask him how a vow of love and commitment between a same-sex couple threatens such relationships between a man and a woman, the president, as expected, turned his back and walked out of the room.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan later explained the president is acting on solid intelligence that gay men possess biologically incorrect weapons and are not afraid to use them.

Earlier, in an exclusive interview with the Humor Gazette, Bush confided his belief that gay marriage threatens our way of life because the thought of two men together "gives me the willies." When pressed, however, Bush admitted that daydreaming about two women gets him "a little hot," unless Rosie O'Donnell is involved.

Saying he is deeply troubled by the blatantly homosexual civil disobedience taking place in San Francisco, the president said a crackdown is needed before gay weddings spread to "real cities" like Las Vegas and Texas.

Bush vowed he would never relent in defending America from any threat to same-sex marriage. The sacred promise between man and woman enjoys a staggering 50 percent success ratio, he noted, an impressive number compared to, say, government, where about 17 percent of all promises are fulfilled.

President Bush, who proudly counts the "sanctity of marriage" among his favorite soundbites, blamed the crisis on "limp-wristed activist judges" and concluded his remarks by saying, "These people must be stopped from pledging their unconditional love for each other before it's too late."

Constitutional scholars say such an amendment would not necessarily ban gay people from using the same water fountains as heterosexuals. However, the American Civil Liberties union has expressed concern that conservatives may seize this opportunity to outlaw canine marriages (see related story), controversial dog-cat weddings and any union between a man and a farm animal or inflatable doll.

Crash-test dummies endorse Nader

By John Breneman

Ralph Nader's controversial quest for the presidency received a major boost today as the nation's crash-test dummies pledged their silent support.

Nader, best known in political circles for helping George W. Bush reach the White House in the 2000 election, rose to prominence in the mid-1960s when his book "Unsafe at Any Speed" led to new automobile safety laws.

"This president is a friggin' lemon," said Nader, invoking the terminology that made him almost as much of a pariah in the automobile industry as he is now among Democrats who believe his candidacy will help Bush gain re-election.

Appearing Sunday on "Meet the Press," Nader said President Bush ought to be impeached for lying his way into an unnecessary war and for being (actual quote) "a giant corporation in the White House masquerading as a human being."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded by giving reporters a nearly illegible fax that he said proves the president is, in fact, a human being.

Nevertheless, many leading Democrats are concerned that Nader's brand of straight talk will siphon votes away from the party's eventual nominee.
Terry McAuliffe, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, leads a long list of influential players who have begged Nader not to run. They include Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, the biggest name reporters could reach on Sunday to badmouth Nader's presidential bid, and comedian Dana Carvey, who said he would prefer to see Texas funnyman Ross Perot enter the race.
Opponents to Nader's candidacy also have set up web sites with names like www.whatthehellareyouthinkingralph.com and www.ohpleasedudenotagain.com.
Nader, who received a lovely thank-you note from President and Mrs. Bush after the 2000 election, is now accusing the president of "high crimes and misdemeanors."

Responding to "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert's question on how he feels about being called a "spoiler," Nader replied, "Gotcha, Tim! You're on my new hidden camera show - The Ralph Nader Ego Trip 2004!"

President may have evaded Boy Scout service

By John Breneman

WASHINGTON -- New allegations have emerged regarding President Bush's service in uniform, this time involving his record in the Boy Scouts of America.

As critics hammer him over whether he evaded his duties in the National Guard, the president now faces tough questions about whether he actually earned several merit badges that have been awarded to him.

Bush is an outspoken supporter of the Boy Scouts and also serves as the organization's honorary president, but there is mounting evidence that he may have completely "blown off" the respected character-building organization as a youth.

A former Texas scoutmaster says he has no recollection of Bush ever having served in his troop and could produce no records that the future president was ever issued a uniform or penknife.

Nevertheless, Bush reportedly has received merit badges for Citizenship, Emergency Preparedness and Public Speaking. Critics charge that Bush's possession of the badges is a slap in the face to thousands of diligent young scouts who have earned them fair and square.

Eagle Scout Jimmy Barton, 16, of Whittler, Texas, said he guesses the president could make a case he earned the badges through his later service to the country, but he is not convinced.

"Citizenship and Emergency Preparedness I could understand, but Public Speaking? Please," said Barton. "I think he should give them back unless he wants to do the work. I had to report 15 suspicious neighbors to the Justice Department to get my Emergency Preparedness badge."

Bush responded to the allegations on "Meet the Press," saying, "I would be careful to not denigrate the Boy Scouts. It's fine to go after me, which I expect the other side will do. I wouldn't denigrate service to the Scouts, though."

Earlier today, the White House released dental records showing Bush had received treatment for a cavity caused by eating toasted marshmallows at a Boy Scout jamboree in 1960.