"Straight plan for the Constitution, man."
President declares war
on gay marriage
Bush strikes blow for sanctity of satire
By John Breneman
WASHINGTON -- Citing an imminent threat to his base of support
on the religious right, President Bush today called for a
constitutional amendment banning millions of people from participating
in what he called "the most fundamental institution of
"Dicking around with the sanctity of the Constitution
is the only way to nip this thing in the butt," said
When reporters began to ask him how a vow of love and commitment
between a same-sex couple threatens such relationships between
a man and a woman, the president, as expected, turned his
back and walked out of the room.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan later explained the
president is acting on solid intelligence that gay men possess
biologically incorrect weapons and are not afraid to use them.
Earlier, in an exclusive interview with the Humor Gazette,
Bush confided his belief that gay marriage threatens our way
of life because the thought of two men together "gives
me the willies." When pressed, however, Bush admitted
that daydreaming about two women gets him "a little hot,"
unless Rosie O'Donnell is involved.
Saying he is deeply troubled by the blatantly homosexual
civil disobedience taking place in San Francisco, the president
said a crackdown is needed before gay weddings spread to "real
cities" like Las Vegas and Texas.
Bush vowed he would never relent in defending America from
any threat to same-sex marriage. The sacred promise between
man and woman enjoys a staggering 50 percent success ratio,
he noted, an impressive number compared to, say, government,
where about 17 percent of all promises are fulfilled.
President Bush, who proudly counts the "sanctity of
marriage" among his favorite soundbites, blamed the crisis
on "limp-wristed activist judges" and concluded
his remarks by saying, "These people must be stopped
from pledging their unconditional love for each other before
it's too late."
Constitutional scholars say such an amendment would not necessarily
ban gay people from using the same water fountains as heterosexuals.
However, the American Civil Liberties union has expressed
concern that conservatives may seize this opportunity to outlaw
canine marriages (see related story), controversial dog-cat
weddings and any union between a man and a farm animal or
dummies endorse Nader
Ralph Nader's controversial quest for the presidency received
a major boost today as the nation's crash-test dummies pledged
their silent support.
Nader, best known in political circles for helping George
W. Bush reach the White House in the 2000 election, rose to
prominence in the mid-1960s when his book "Unsafe at
Any Speed" led to new automobile safety laws.
"This president is a friggin' lemon," said Nader,
invoking the terminology that made him almost as much of a
pariah in the automobile industry as he is now among Democrats
who believe his candidacy will help Bush gain re-election.
Appearing Sunday on "Meet the Press," Nader said
President Bush ought to be impeached for lying his way into
an unnecessary war and for being (actual quote) "a giant
corporation in the White House masquerading as a human being."
White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded by giving
reporters a nearly illegible fax that he said proves the president
is, in fact, a human being.
Nevertheless, many leading Democrats are concerned that Nader's
brand of straight talk will siphon votes away from the party's
Terry McAuliffe, chairman of the Democratic National Committee,
leads a long list of influential players who have begged Nader
not to run. They include Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico,
the biggest name reporters could reach on Sunday to badmouth
Nader's presidential bid, and comedian Dana Carvey, who said
he would prefer to see Texas funnyman Ross Perot enter the
Opponents to Nader's candidacy also have set up web sites
with names like www.whatthehellareyouthinkingralph.com and
Nader, who received a lovely thank-you note from President
and Mrs. Bush after the 2000 election, is now accusing the
president of "high crimes and misdemeanors."
Responding to "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert's
question on how he feels about being called a "spoiler,"
Nader replied, "Gotcha, Tim! You're on my new hidden
camera show - The Ralph Nader Ego Trip 2004!"
President may have evaded
Boy Scout service
By John Breneman
-- New allegations have emerged regarding President Bush's
service in uniform, this time involving his record in the
Boy Scouts of America.
As critics hammer him over whether he evaded his duties in
the National Guard, the president now faces tough questions
about whether he actually earned several merit badges that
have been awarded to him.
Bush is an outspoken supporter of the Boy Scouts and also
serves as the organization's honorary president, but there
is mounting evidence that he may have completely "blown
off" the respected character-building organization as
former Texas scoutmaster says he has no recollection of Bush
ever having served in his troop and could produce no records
that the future president was ever issued a uniform or penknife.
Nevertheless, Bush reportedly has received merit badges for
Citizenship, Emergency Preparedness and Public Speaking. Critics
charge that Bush's possession of the badges is a slap in the
face to thousands of diligent young scouts who have earned
them fair and square.
Eagle Scout Jimmy Barton, 16, of Whittler, Texas, said he
guesses the president could make a case he earned the badges
through his later service to the country, but he is not convinced.
and Emergency Preparedness I could understand, but Public
Speaking? Please," said Barton. "I think he should
give them back unless he wants to do the work. I had to report
15 suspicious neighbors to the Justice Department to get my
Emergency Preparedness badge."
Bush responded to the allegations on "Meet the Press,"
saying, "I would be careful to not denigrate the Boy
Scouts. It's fine to go after me, which I expect the other
side will do. I wouldn't denigrate service to the Scouts,
Earlier today, the White House released dental records showing
Bush had received treatment for a cavity caused by eating
toasted marshmallows at a Boy Scout jamboree in 1960.