Miers
flees Supreme Court fiasco

By
John Breneman

White House counsel Harriet
Miers withdrew her nomination for the Supreme Court
today, a move widely seen as an admission that she would not
be able to win confirmation from the Senate Judiciary Committee,
despite her plan to bake yummy chocolate-chip cookies for
the entire panel.

"You know the expression, ‘If you can’t stand the heat,
get out of the kitchen.’ Well let’s just say she was going
to feel a little bit of heat during the confirmation hearings,"
said a source close to the Senate washroom attendant.

Critics contend that her primary qualification — being one
of President Bush’s bestest pals — could not offset the fact
that she was the least-qualified Supreme Court nominee in
the nation’s history. Supporters were also bracing for tough
questions about her torrid affair with reputed rock "Prince
of Darkness" Ozzy Osbourne.

White House advisers decided Miers could better serve the
administration in her current role as counsel during the upcoming
"indictment phase" of the Bush presidency.

Sad news today.
A friend just emailed me the following report:

Doughboy dies of yeast infection

Please
join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including
Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave
site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy
rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky
at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered
a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children,
John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please
rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share
that smile with someone else who kneads it.

Related story:
Pillsbury
Doughboy kidnapped — July 30, 2002

Hurricane
Wilma hits Bedrock

By
John Breneman

Hurricane Wilma whistled through the prehistoric town of
Bedrock, Fla., early today. Early reports predicted the Category
4 storm might reduce the village to a heap of rubble, but
officials now say damage was minimal because all the houses
are made entirely of stone.

The death toll stood at zero, but there was one report of
a barefoot man howling in pain when a bowling ball fell on
his foot.

The town’s leading employer, Slate Rock and Gravel Company,
reported that high winds caused several of its dinosaur cranes
to make wisecracks about there being easier ways to make a
living.

A local boy identified only as Bamm Bamm is credited with
saving five people when a gigantic order of ribs tipped over
a vehicle at a drive-in restaurant.

The Loyal Order of Water Buffalos was converted to am emergency
shelter and stocked with large quantities of Fruity and Cocoa
Pebbles cereal

The mood around town was mostly subdued but one man, apparently
relieved at being spared by Wilma’s wrath, could be heard
shouting, "Yabba-Dabba-Doo!"

Related story:
U.S.
braces for Hurricane Akbar — July 11, 2005

Saddam
sues Uncle Sam

As
the trial of Saddam Hussein draws near, attorneys for the
Baghdad Barbarian say he plans to sue the U.S. government
for "cruel and unusual taking over a guy’s country"
and for "roughing him up" when they yanked him out
of his cave in December 2003.

Meanwhile a new CNN/Al-Jazeera poll revealed Hussein’s
approval rating is at an all-time low.

Prosecutors say Humor Gazette reporter John Breneman may
be called to testify about conversations related to his May
23, 2005 exclusive
"Photos prove Saddam possessed BVDs."

Legal analysts speculate that several other Gazette/IBS News
scoops may also come up during the much-anticipated next "Trial
of the Century," including:

"Rumsfeld
links Saddam Hussein to … Rumsfeld" —
June 11, 2004

Saddam
Hussein seeking work as a media pundit — March
21, 2005

Saddam
and Osama adopted shaved-ape baby — Oct. 28, 2003

Hussein
pulls lawsuit out of briefs case — May 25, 2005

Saddam
loses shirt in stock market — July 19, 2002

Also today, a
sneak peek at the Iraqi Constitution.

Woman
sues reality show ‘Hostile Makeover’

A
butt-ugly Florida woman is suing five friends for drugging
her, throwing her in the back of a van and forcing her to
have unwanted cosmetic surgery for a controversial reality
program called "Hostile Makeover."

The plaintiff — battered by liposuction, hip reduction,
dental reconstruction and silicone dysfunction — appeared
in court sporting two black eyes, a bowling-bowl rack and
a botox grimace frozen on her 38DD lips.

She ended up winning $100,000 on a new reality show called
"Sue That Reality Show."

In other reality TV news:
— A Mississippi man was charged with selling his 18-year-old
wife into prostitution for a low-budget reality show he was
filming called "Pimp My Bride."

Tonight
on the Jacko Channel

Mich.
sexagenarian named
‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ 2005

The Humor Gazette has named Bertha Monroe of Battle Creek,
Michigan, "Sexiest Woman Alive" for 2005.

This sexy sexagenarian — a former burlesque dancer and mother
of 15 who subsists largely on tequila, grilled cheese and
Jell-O shots — is still swinging at age 69. Her turn-ons
include quilting and world peace.

Sources say juicy Jessica
Biel — just named "Sexiest Alive ’05" by
Esquire — is steamed about being snubbed by the Gazette,
whose coveted honor comes with 15 seconds of vacuous, fawning
media coverage and a two-year supply of Crest teeth-whitening
strips.

Biel, featured this month on the cover of the Readers Digest
swimsuit edition, has already been named "Sexiest Woman
Alive" for 2005 by Good Housekeeping, U.S. News &
World Report and Cigar Aficionado,

In other "sexy" news:
— The American Kennel Club just announced its "Sexiest
Bitch Alive" for 2005 is a curvaceous black lab named
Candee.

— A 2,400-pound behemoth known as Mr. Whiskers has been
named "Sexiest Manatee Alive" by the Save the Manatee
Foundation.

—
And, Tom
DeLay has been named "Sexiest
Defrocked House Majority Leader Alive" by both
Time and Newsweek.

Related story:
People
mag names top 50 pretty people

Power
outage linked to squirrel terrorists

By John Breneman

A rogue squirrel knocked out power across much of the Eastern
Seaboard early today in an act of sabotage that the president
is calling "a heinous and cowardly act of rodent terrorism."
An unidentified squirrel leaped into an electrical transformer
at a unidentified substation shortly after 9 a.m., just as
the business day began.

The economic impact of the brazen daylight suicide mission
is estimated at $74.2 killion as millions of technology-dependent
workers were left literally powerless to do their jobs. Employees
at one local dot-com were startled to find the company no
longer existed when the electricity came back on. And several
firms provided counseling to help workers deal with the emotional
trauma of not being able to get onto their computers.

President Bush joked that
the squirrel terrorists probably have stockpiled acorns of
mass destruction for the upcoming nuclear winter and vowed
to "smoke ’em out of their trees."

The squirrel was killed instantly and so could not be questioned
regarding his motive. But police say a group identifying itself
as the Bushy Tail Liberation Army is claiming responsibility
for the attack. The BTLA, which exploded onto the international
rodent terrorism scene when it sizzled a power transformer
outside the White House last November, scratched the following
statement into the bark of a giant oak tree near FBI headquarters:

"We demand an immediate end to the vehicular genocide
being perpetrated against the squirrel community by our human
oppressors in their noxious SUVs."

Citing the "needless slaughter" of millions of
squirrels on our nation’s roadways, the BTLA vowed that more
serious power outages would follow unless authorities complied
with their demands. These include:

— Legislation imposing stiff fines and jail time for squashing
a squirrel in an automobile.

— Erection of "Squirrel Crossing" signs and overpasses
at specified locations.

— Immediate repeal of heavy tariffs on the import of exotic
European and Asian acorns.

— Federal subsidies to stimulate trade with acorn-producing
nations.

— And sweeping oak tree preservation measures, including
a nationwide ban on the use of oak in furniture manufacturing.

Special Agent James Nutt of the FBI’s elite anti-rodent terrorism
unit said there is no cause for the public to be alarmed.
But he did offer several tips for homeowners concerned that
the squirrels chattering and foraging out in their yard might
be aligned with the BTLA rebels. Tell-tale signs include:

— Squirrels congregating in groups and chattering in hushed
tones.

— Shifty eyes.

— Handguns and ammunition missing from your closet.

— Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons appearing mysteriously on
your TV.

If you suspect an ordinary household squirrel of engaging
in subversive activity, Nutt warned, do not attempt to subdue
the rodent yourself. They are often trained in martial arts
like Tae Akorn Do. Instead, police urge you to scamper inside
and whimper like a baby until help arrives.

Hammer
getting hammered

By John Breneman

Nailed with a new indictment for alleged money laundering
this week, Tom DeLay — the powerful former House majority
leader once known as "The Hammer — now finds himself
just another political tool.

Asked how the indictments might affect DeLay’s status as
a national conservative political figure, one longtime associate,
the rapper MC Hammer, said simply, "You can’t touch this."

However, in addition to relinquishing his duties as majority
leader, DeLay also has been stripped of lucrative endorsement
deals with Craftsman and Arm & Hammer.

"That’s
not the type of laundering we care to be associated with,"
said a spokesman for the wholesome-imaged baking soda and
detergent giant.

The Humor Gazette/IBS News has learned that still more indictments
may be forthcoming against DeLay, as a Texas grand jury weighs
whether to charge him with five counts of being a lousy jerk.

House Speaker Dennis "Needlenose Pliers" Hastert
has selected a temporary replacement for "The Hammer,"
choosing Missouri Rep. Roy "Socket Wrench" Blunt
over California Rep. David "Hot Glue Gun" Dreier.

Bush
pal hits jackpot

By John Breneman

President Bush said today he is "supremely confident"
that nominee Harriet
Miers will be confirmed to the Supreme Court.

Miers has never been a judge but supporters say she is supremely
well-qualified. Her favorite musical group is The Supremes
and she subsists primarily on Pizza Hut Super Supreme pizza,
though there is little or no paper trail on what toppings
she prefers. She also has a cat named Oliver Wendell Holmes
and a schnauzer named Bork.

Currently serving as White House counsel, Miers has a reputation
as a shrewd lawyer who has spent much of her career being
appointed to various positions by George W. Bush, starting
with the Texas Lottery Commission in 1994.

Asked if the selection of a longtime friend who once gave
personal legal advice to Bush smacked of cronyism, a White
House spokesman pointed out that in selecting Miers the president
passed up an opportunity to nominate his brother, his dad
and several cousins.

Described in 1996 by Bush as "a pit bull in size 6 shoes,"
Miers is being compared favorably to both William Howard Taft
("Hippo in a Size XXXL Robe") and the woman she
is nominated to replace, Sandra Day "Wolverine Protecting
Her Young" O’Connor. Her idol is said to be the distinguished
former Chief Justice Joseph
Albert Wapner and she once did pro bono work for Sonny
Bono.

However, critics say Miers’ lack of a judicial track record
makes her a "stealth candidate" and raises concerns
that she might be a strict neo-originalistic anti-Darwinian
constructionist. Democrats have already asked for records
of her work in the White House and Sen. Ted Kennedy has reportedly
demanded samples of her brain tissue.

During
the upcoming confirmation hearings, Democratic senators are
expected to employ a variety of tactics — including intense
questioning, badgering, tickling, sodium pentathol and genital
electrodes — to get Miers to reveal her opinion on Roe v.
Wade, the landmark 1973 decision upholding the right of all
fetuses to own a gun.

Related stories:
Judge
Roberts faces abortion litmus test — July 29,
2005

Court pick seen as victory for oppressed white Christian male
— July 20, 2005

Bush linked to hemorrhoid controversy

The
White House today issued a statement denying that President
Bush faltered during the crucial early phase of Hurricane
Katrina because he was busy making ads for a new medication
used to treat hemorrhoids.

Critics claim this is yet another example of Bush doing favors
for his cronies in the powerful anti-hemorrhoids industry
and have called for a probe on whether he profited from his
alleged endorsement of a product called Preparation W.

However, a spokesman pointed out that the ad actually makes
the president look like a jackass and is probably a "partisan
attack" from some latte-drinking, liberal satirist.

Preparation W, the ad claims, "relieves the painful
burning, itching and discomfort associated with President
Bush and his policies." The fine print says it "helps
shrink swollen budget deficits" and "prevents further
insurgency in the affected area."

Sen. Ted Kennedy declined to comment on the controversy over
Preparation W and its promise of "fast, temporary relief
from a pain-in-the-ass president." But sources say the
Massachusetts Democrat has discreetly inquired about ordering
five cartons.