Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
Osama bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an
elite Special Forces unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according
to an exclusive TV Guide story by investigative reporter Clark
Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up
to the speedy bin Laden on a rock-strewn dirt road in Afghanistan,
but the mission was aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally
flattened himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive
Pentagon sources confirm that Mr. Coyote is one of several animated
agents who have volunteered to help fight for truth, justice
and the American way.
Acting on sensitive intelligence developed by Beavis and
Butt-head, U.S. ground forces led by Bugs Bunny and Speed
Racer penetrated a suspected al Qaida compound with air support
from Woody Woodpecker and Snoopy (aka the Red Baron). Popeye
reportedly punched one terrorist in the face so hard that
his neck stretched approximately 20 feet before his head snapped
and wobbled back into place.
help defuse tensions in the strife-torn Middle East, Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reportedly is grooming a covert
unit led by Scooby-Doo, Mr. Magoo and Winnie the Pooh.
"America's arsenal of superheroes is unmatched by any
nation in the world," said Rumsfeld, noting that Superman,
Wonder Woman and Fat Albert stand ready for deployment to
trouble spots around the globe. Rumsfeld also announced the
creation of a new Internet surveillance task force headed
by Mighty Mouse.
Rumsfeld said the cartoon fighters will help make the war
on terror more popular among the nation's children. However,
he again deflected questions about alleged financial wrongdoing
by the defense contractor, Acme.
President Bush committed his full support to the cartoon
initiative after a White House strategy session with Batman
and Tweety Bird. The president then retreated to the Oval
Office to huddle with Homer Simpson, Yogi Bear and Bullwinkle
for advice on communicating his message to the American people.
claims proof Bush lied about Iraq
By John Breneman
A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic
evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando,
Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each
from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.
As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his
nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching
nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and
the real cost of Medicare.
A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of
the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for
the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose
may leave the president with as little as eight months to
Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months
But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed
that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably
doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing
of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.
Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge
the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement
of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually
a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld
and Dick Cheney.
President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained
Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's
weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory
would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent
Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.
Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called
to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's
own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."
However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is
unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains
strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position
and called for an anti-gay marriage
amendment to the Constitution.
The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic
tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about
everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims
and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about
threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the
truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).
Latest telephone poll reveals:
Americans hate telephone polls
By John Breneman
A recent Humor Gazette/XYZ poll revealed 59% of registered
Democrats believe President Bush's
blatantly political anti-gay marriage
amendment constitutes nothing short of attempted same-sex
assault against the U.S. Constitution.
The same poll indicated 82% of Republican voters believe
John Kerry is waffling on whether continuing to waffle is
a sound political strategy, based on the latest polls.
This is valuable information. Trouble is, Americans are becoming
increasingly annoyed with telephone surveys. This according
to an annoying telephone survey just released by U.S. pollster
Polls R Us.
"We called 950 U.S. citizens from all walks of life
-- most of them just as they were sitting down to dinner --
and 94% of them made it strikingly clear that they are extremely
annoyed by telephone surveys," said company spokesman
The number of respondents who politely declined to participate
has dropped sharply; and 63% of those contacted invoked at
least one expletive before slamming the receiver down, up
from 44% in a similar poll conducted last month.
The range of expletives also has expanded, according to Click,
who noted that one particularly creative curser unleashed
a barrage of invective featuring multiple ethnic slurs and
five crude anatomical references, one involving a genetically
New probe probes impact
reports increase in number of assholes worldwide
"Our research shows that Americans truly hate unsolicited
telephone calls," said Click, whose firm is on target
to initiate 4.2 million unsolicited calls in the first quarter
Among the 6% of respondents who said they don't mind participating
in telephone polls, nearly half reported that they approve
of President Bush's efforts to avoid a worldwide nuclear war
but would feel safer if he could pronounce the word "nuclear."
Two-thirds of those surveyed said the media is far too infatuated
with polls, which really have no value other than to produce
meaningless date upon which pundits can pundificate.
The latest Polls R Us poll, which has a margin of error of
plus or minus 143%, also revealed the following:
2% of respondents claimed they were much smarter and better
looking than the other 98%.
106% of those surveyed said Americans must improve their
math skills to better compete in the global economy.
Annual report: What People Earn
George W. Bush,
war president, $7 trillion national debt / Courtney
Love, crack ho, $600,000 / Donald
Trump, mogul, $100 million / J.
Christ, savior, $0 / Marty Kurdkiller, genocidal
maniac, assets frozen / Hugh
Murgazet, web satirist, minus $20,000
John Smith, cave explorer, $10 million / Macauley
Culkin, child star, $4,500 / Janet
Jackson's breasts, entertainers, $3.6M (right)
and $1.2M (left) / George
W. Steinbrenner, baseball antichrist, $212 million
/ Darwin Charles, simian rights attorney, $180,000
/ Dennis Kozlowski,
corporate party animal, $600 million
Rush Limbaugh, right-wing stooge, $2.5 million
/ Martha Stewart, license
plate maker, $500 / Mo Cudhoffey,
airport security, $18,000 / Reid Page, Fox News anchor,
$200,000 / Rosie, exotic dancer, $24 million / Howard
Dean, former presidential candidate, minus $1.2
Cracking down on the boob tube
Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission
urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word
and the First Amendment..
By John Breneman
The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard
on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe
malfunctions" with stiff penal action.
Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial
topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum
fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her
(bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.
The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717)
imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and
fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus
H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms,
fudge and fizzuck.
The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word
on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with
soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone
else's -- must film a public service announcement warning
young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.
"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of
Janet Jackson's mammary
gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.),
interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a
New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying
to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.
Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission
(FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word,
the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.
Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and
43 minutes of television each day, during which time they
witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing
morons pretending to deliver "news."
This is OK.
But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh
on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and
potty mouth among viewers under age 15.
Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's
ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome
family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous