Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote

By John Breneman

Osama bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite Special Forces unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according to an exclusive TV Guide story by investigative reporter Clark Kent.

Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up to the speedy bin Laden on a rock-strewn dirt road in Afghanistan, but the mission was aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally flattened himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive terrorist.

Pentagon sources confirm that Mr. Coyote is one of several animated agents who have volunteered to help fight for truth, justice and the American way.

Acting on sensitive intelligence developed by Beavis and Butt-head, U.S. ground forces led by Bugs Bunny and Speed Racer penetrated a suspected al Qaida compound with air support from Woody Woodpecker and Snoopy (aka the Red Baron). Popeye reportedly punched one terrorist in the face so hard that his neck stretched approximately 20 feet before his head snapped and wobbled back into place.

To help defuse tensions in the strife-torn Middle East, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reportedly is grooming a covert unit led by Scooby-Doo, Mr. Magoo and Winnie the Pooh.

"America's arsenal of superheroes is unmatched by any nation in the world," said Rumsfeld, noting that Superman, Wonder Woman and Fat Albert stand ready for deployment to trouble spots around the globe. Rumsfeld also announced the creation of a new Internet surveillance task force headed by Mighty Mouse.

Rumsfeld said the cartoon fighters will help make the war on terror more popular among the nation's children. However, he again deflected questions about alleged financial wrongdoing by the defense contractor, Acme.

President Bush committed his full support to the cartoon initiative after a White House strategy session with Batman and Tweety Bird. The president then retreated to the Oval Office to huddle with Homer Simpson, Yogi Bear and Bullwinkle for advice on communicating his message to the American people.

(Free delivery of fresh satire every Mon/Wed/Fri, no Spam, strict privacy policy)

Kerry claims proof Bush lied about Iraq

By John Breneman

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare.

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.

Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months to lead.

But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.

Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.

Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."

However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position and called for an anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution.

The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).

Related story:

Latest poll:

39% of headline-hungry prosecutors believe Martha Stewart should be "made an example of" to "send a message" to the real
white-collar criminals.

0.3% of all Humor Gazette readers protest that satirical references to "Lethal Whippin'," "Jesus Christ, box-office superstar" and "The Bashin' of the Christ" are in exceedingly poor taste."

Latest telephone poll reveals: Americans hate telephone polls

By John Breneman

A recent Humor Gazette/XYZ poll revealed 59% of registered Democrats believe President Bush's blatantly political anti-gay marriage amendment constitutes nothing short of attempted same-sex assault against the U.S. Constitution.

The same poll indicated 82% of Republican voters believe John Kerry is waffling on whether continuing to waffle is a sound political strategy, based on the latest polls.

This is valuable information. Trouble is, Americans are becoming increasingly annoyed with telephone surveys. This according to an annoying telephone survey just released by U.S. pollster Polls R Us.

"We called 950 U.S. citizens from all walks of life -- most of them just as they were sitting down to dinner -- and 94% of them made it strikingly clear that they are extremely annoyed by telephone surveys," said company spokesman Richard Click.

The number of respondents who politely declined to participate has dropped sharply; and 63% of those contacted invoked at least one expletive before slamming the receiver down, up from 44% in a similar poll conducted last month.

The range of expletives also has expanded, according to Click, who noted that one particularly creative curser unleashed a barrage of invective featuring multiple ethnic slurs and five crude anatomical references, one involving a genetically engineered donkey.

Related stories:
New probe probes impact of probes
U.N. reports increase in number of assholes worldwide

"Our research shows that Americans truly hate unsolicited telephone calls," said Click, whose firm is on target to initiate 4.2 million unsolicited calls in the first quarter of 2004.

Among the 6% of respondents who said they don't mind participating in telephone polls, nearly half reported that they approve of President Bush's efforts to avoid a worldwide nuclear war but would feel safer if he could pronounce the word "nuclear."

Two-thirds of those surveyed said the media is far too infatuated with polls, which really have no value other than to produce meaningless date upon which pundits can pundificate.

The latest Polls R Us poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus 143%, also revealed the following:

2% of respondents claimed they were much smarter and better looking than the other 98%.

106% of those surveyed said Americans must improve their math skills to better compete in the global economy.

Annual report: What People Earn

George W. Bush, war president, $7 trillion national debt / Courtney Love, crack ho, $600,000 / Donald Trump, mogul, $100 million / J. Christ, savior, $0 / Marty Kurdkiller, genocidal maniac, assets frozen / Hugh Murgazet, web satirist, minus $20,000

John Smith, cave explorer, $10 million / Macauley Culkin, child star, $4,500 / Janet Jackson's breasts, entertainers, $3.6M (right) and $1.2M (left) / George W. Steinbrenner, baseball antichrist, $212 million / Darwin Charles, simian rights attorney, $180,000 / Dennis Kozlowski, corporate party animal, $600 million

Rush Limbaugh, right-wing stooge, $2.5 million / Martha Stewart, license plate maker, $500 / Mo Cudhoffey, airport security, $18,000 / Reid Page, Fox News anchor, $200,000 / Rosie, exotic dancer, $24 million / Howard Dean, former presidential candidate, minus $1.2 million

Cracking down on the boob tube

Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word and the First Amendment..

By John Breneman

The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe malfunctions" with stiff penal action.

Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her (bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.

The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717) imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms, fudge and fizzuck.

The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone else's -- must film a public service announcement warning young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.

"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of Janet Jackson's mammary gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.), interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.

Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission (FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word, the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.

Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and 43 minutes of television each day, during which time they witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing morons pretending to deliver "news."

This is OK.

But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and potty mouth among viewers under age 15.

Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous politician.

Grain Expectations

About the Humor Gazette                    Contact the Humor Gazette: