Vice President Dick Cheney outlines his plan to choke John Edwards.

Pundits render verdict in
case of Cheney v. Edwards

By John Breneman

Sen. Edwards challenges Cheney to "put up your dukes."

Vice President Dick Cheney scored a decisive blow in his
debate with Sen. John Edwards on Tuesday by citing a link
between Al Qaeda and U.S. trial lawyers. Cheney also claimed
that, if elected, John Kerry would appoint Germans and Frenchmen
to his Cabinet.

Pundits called the debate a clear victory for the very composed
Cheney, who did not snarl or rip his shirt off and turn huge
and green, even when Edwards kept talking about what a mess
Cheney and his pet monkey have made while doing their doody.

Cheney called Edwards a young whipper-flopper who first voted
FOR President Bush’s plan to rush to war on phony intelligence
and badly mishandle the whole operation, then turned AGAINST
the war once the president’s death toll got too high.

But Edwards responded by calling Bush-Cheney double flip-floppers
who first OPPOSED creating the 9/11 Commission because it
might expose their fraud and incompetence and then said OK
once public opinion forced them to.

Edwards also noted that Cheney was FOR doing business with
evil Iran when he was making big money with Halliburton, but
AGAINST evil Iran now that he is only getting deferred compensation
from Halliburton.

Cheney refrained from telling Edwards, "Go f— yourself,"
instead saying, "I’ve been taking massive dumps in the
White House since you were in diapers, Senator." He also
defied pre-debate expectations that he might try to squish
the puny Edwards between his thumb and forefinger or beat
him silly with an aluminum tube.

Edwards went on the offensive, saying he would represent
the American people in a class-action lawsuit against Bush
and Cheney for fraudulent leadership, arbitrary and capricious
war-mongering and for destroying America’s credibility around
the world. The suit would target some of the money Bush-Cheney
have lavished on wealthy supporters to buy votes and instead
use it to help regular people.

On gay marriage, Edwards said President Bush’s call a federal
amendment amounts to "using the Constitution as a political
tool and it’s wrong." Cheney responded by saying his
gay daughter could beat the crap out of Edwards.

A Humor Gazette tracking poll found that if the election
were held today Cheney would immobilize Kerry and Edwards
by secreting a toxic venom through his fangs.

20 Questions about Post-Debate Spin

By John Breneman

Is the water cooler half empty or half full?

Did Kerry hammer Bush with that "colossal error of judgment"
zinger? Or did Bush impress voters by telling ’em 11 times
that fighting terror is "hard work"?

Did the president convince even more Americans that we had
to invade Iraq because "the enemy attacked us"?
Or did Kerry catch Bush pulling his ole "Saddam had to
pay for 9/11" trick?

Did Bush wow ’em by repeating his consistent message that
Kerry is inconsistent? Or did Kerry shake Bush’s steadfast
resolve that all he needs to win re-election is steadfast
resolve?

As they say in the influential hip-hop demographic, did Flip-Flop
get dope slapped or did Kid Kerry rock the mike and make W.
his Bee-yush?

These are the questions that spin through our heads as the
unpredictable post-debate portion of the debate unfolds before
us.

Did the challenger hit a home run?
Did the incumbent lay an egg?

Did Bush’s "plainspoken" personality shine through
when he said, "I uh …" then froze for several
agonizing seconds? Or did President Six-Pack overcome a subpar
oratorical performance by making funny faces at Senator Smarty-Pants?

Did Kerry get under Bush’s skin by reminding him that Osama
bin Laden, not Saddam Hussein, attacked America on Sept. 11?
Or did the president successfully rebut the charge by saying,
duh, "Of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I
know that"?

Did Kerry score rhetorical points by saying Bush "outsourced"
the job of capturing bin Laden to Afghan warlords working
for minimum wage? Or was it a low blow to remind Jr. that
his daddy was smart enough not to bumble into Iraq with no
"exit strategy"?

Did Kerry make headway by suggesting the president’s tax
cuts for the rich would be better spent making America safer?
Or does Bush really expect voters to buy his simplistic response
that of course we’re safe with him because "That’s my
job"?

Perhaps the most important questions of all: Will these revealing
face-to-face showdowns cause any supporters of this failed
president to look back after Nov. 2 and say, "I actually
DID vote for George W. Bush, before I voted against him"?
Or is it too late to convince those who have been duped by
Mr. Bush that he is the wrong president at the wrong place
at the wrong time?

Bush, Kerry
to trade punches, punchlines

By John Breneman

Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it
is time for another presidential debate. This one will help
determine who will lead America for the next four years —
Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop.

The rules are simple: No eye-gouging, head-butting or
Abu Ghraib-ing.

Sound-biting is not only allowed, it is practically the only
way a candidate can score "points" at a modern-day
presidential forum, since post-debate analysis is largely
confined to who sighed or shrugged, who looked at his watch,
or did the best job delivering a zinger written by his team
of political strategists. Points are added for making the
audience laugh, but not deducted for blatant lies.

Attempts at substantive dialogue are frowned upon. This is
because, though polls say voters crave "substance"
over "flash," polls also show that most Americans
can no longer detect "substance" unless it is delivered
using an eye-grabbing jolt of "flash."

Additional rules, agreed to in a 32-page document designed
to limit spontaneity, specifically prohibit bitch-slapping,
throwing of feces and (flashback to 1988) any hypothetical
questions about a candidate’s wife getting raped and murdered.

In the interest of national security, President Bush will
not be forced to explain why he flip-flopped on his pledge
to catch Osama bin Laden "dead or alive" or why
he chose to respond to the tragedy of 9/11 by starting a brand
new death toll in Iraq.

Security will be tight in response to concerns that al Qaeda
may try to disrupt the event, perhaps by sneaking a whoopee
cushion onto Bush’s podium or beheading a few more registered
voters.

The moderator, beloved game show host Wink Martindale, will
be heavily armed.

The debate is set for 9 p.m. Thursday night at the University
of Miami, where fun-loving undergrads will be playing the
Presidential Debate Drinking Game.

The rules are simple:

— Each time either man says "duty," drink one
large gulp of beer.

— Each time either candidate emits a well-practiced soundbite
that is meant to sound spontaneous, guzzle one large gulp
of beer.

— Each time Kerry says "family values," drink
one 2-ounce glob of Heinz ketchup.

— Each time Bush says "family values," snort one
line of cocaine.

— If anyone says "four more years," drink four
more beers.

— If President Bush insists we must "stay the course,"
just take a bunch of pills and go to bed.

Kerry campaign shaken by Bush ineptitude

Click here for gallery of Spratz cartoons

By John Breneman

The Humor Gazette has obtained documents showing that John
Kerry is a war hero and George W. Bush is an asshole.

The information has been authenticated by the same experts
who verified President Bush’s uranium yellow cake documents.

However, the revelation is not expected to impact the election
because in the interest of national security the president
has brainwashed half the nation into chanting "flip-flop"
on his command.

No documents, real or forged, have yet emerged to support
the theory, widely held in Democratic circles, that President
Bush in 1973 sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for the
future presidency and an 8-ball of fine Colombian powder.

Meanwhile, the Kerry campaign has been shaken by revelations
that Bush used his father’s influence to stay out of Vietnam
then just disappeared from the National Guard.

Supporters of the president apparently see no irony or shame
in the fact the president’s men have slammed Kerry for getting
shot at by the Viet Cong while their man was getting bombed
on kamikazes, or that he misled us into war, got thousands
of people killed and quadrupled the number of people who want
America dead.

This is because, as seen on TV, President Bush possesses
a rare ability to piss in your ear and tell you it’s a shimmering
beacon of democracy.

The president appeared before the United Nations on Tuesday,
reiterating his statement that if he knew then what he knows
today — that no weapons would be found and that thousands
of people would lie dead — he would still blaze cluelessly
into Iraq and turn it into a smoldering cesspool of violence
and hate.

The president’s supporters understand that Bush needs the
war to make him feel like a big man and accept the president’s
word that that blasting the place into freedom is the only
way to make sure the Iraqi suicide bombers of 9/11 don’t strike
again.

The only thing the president said he would do differently
would be to act a little cockier. Those close to the president
say that, in retrospect, he now regrets he did not taunt Saddam
Hussein a little more, call him a "girlie man" and
sneer "Look at you now, punk."

Maybe decorate Saddam’s face with a few haymakers while Cheney
and Rumsfeld hold his arms, then strip him naked and put him
on a dog leash for a while. Bury some cowboy boot in his freedom-hating
ass.

The president also reminded the U.N. of his pre-war promise
that there would be "serious consequences" if Saddam
Hussein continued his defiance. But with the death toll climbing
each day and no end in sight, the rest of the world now has
a stark, hellish picture of what President Bush means by "serious
consequences."

Political football: Donkeys defeat Elephants

By
John Breneman

The Donkeys beat the Elephants 51-49 on a last-second fumble
by GOP quarterback George W. Bush to open the 2004 Political
Football League season last night.

The Elephants appeared headed for victory, leading 49-44
and needing only a first down to run out the clock with just
32 seconds left.

"Four more yards!" Bush yelled to Dick Cheney,
the bruising fullback who had already scored two touchdowns
and spent half the game in Donkey quarterback John Kerry’s
face, questioning his manhood and taunting him as "sensitive."

Through most of the contest, the Elephants kept Kerry off
balance with an array of unorthodox tactics — from deception
and dirty play to actually spitting on his uniform — that
made it tougher to run his familiar East Coast Liberal offense.

But the Donkeys managed it keep it close, thanks in part
to an erratic performance by Bush, who fumbled five times
and tossed three interceptions.

Sideline observers said Colin Powell and John McCain seemed
a little half-hearted for the GOP and former Donkey benchwarmer
Zell Miller, now a vocal member of the Elephants offensive
unit, drew several key penalties for ranting on the sidelines.

Legendary Donkey superstar Bill Clinton managed three scores,
two touchdowns and one cheerleader.

And the entire game came down to the final play.

GOP center Arnold Schwarzenegger snapped the ball and flung
Howard Dean into the bleachers. Then he flattened Democratic
linemen Gephardt and Kucinich, opening a giant hole for the
president.

Bush’s eyes widened as he saw a clear path to the end zone.
He began high-stepping, holding the football out to one side
and thinking about what kind of touchdown pose to strike.
But the president failed to see blitzing Donkey linebacker
Max Cleland flying in from his blind side.

Cleland smashed into Bush like a piledriver, snapping his
head back and knocking the grin clean off of his face. The
tenacious Democrat then pounced on the loose ball and shoveled
it to Teddy Kennedy, who waddled and staggered 84 yards for
the game-winning score with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh
on his back.

Bush urged to kick $177M-a-day war habit

By
John Breneman

President Bush’s colorful
past as a coke-snorting, beer-guzzling party
animal should not hurt his re-election bid, political
analysts say, because he already addressed the issue a few
years when he kicked the bottle and made God his new best
pal.

But now muckraking biographer Kitty Kelley writes in "The
Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" that young
George W. put narcotics up his nose at Camp David while his
pop was president. The allegation is made by Sharon Bush,
ex-wife of his brother Neil, the one who got mixed up all
those Chinese hookers.

Kelley writes that Bush learned how to use cocaine at Yale
during a three-day Ecstasy and speedball bender. Once he graduated
and blew all the dough his dad’s friends gave him to look
for oil, Bush allegedly turned to cocaine to pep him up some
and got so excited he had to be talked out of investing in
a "can’t miss" deal down in Colombia.

In a related development, critics have intensified their
call for President Bush to kick his $177-million-a-day
war habit.

Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the controversial book
as "fucking garbage" and directed the White House
character assassination machine to hammer Kelley, whom he
referred to as a "skanky libel-spewing bitch."

Critics charge that Bush is guilty of first-degree hypocrisy,
pointing out that as governor of Texas, George W. Bush supported
and signed legislation increasing penalties for drug possession
in that state (The
Progress Report). In one instance, then-Gov. Bush
signed legislation mandating jail time for people caught with
less than a single gram of cocaine.

But judging by how easy it was for the Bush machine to napalm
Kerry’s wartime heroism with its relentless purple heart attack,
despite the president’s own pathetic military record, the
White House is not worried.

Gazette endorses Bush

Click here for a gallery of Spratz artwork

Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in
Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising
president who is not afraid to take action in the face of
questionable intelligence — a man capable of making profound,
far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and
reason.

Winning the White House’s war in Iraq will require a
cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader
who doesn’t give a Texas damn what other nations think of
us — an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined
to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these
difficult times.

Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son
of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative
to talk about moral values than to actually embody them —
a folksy,
faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly
damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.

When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein
must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition.
He wisely heeded God’s
instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a
hole and took him out.

The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving
dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become
more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up
naked in a pile?

Indeed, we know we are safer because — though the wrath
of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment — President
Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.

Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction
and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any
good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering
Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium
yellow cake and eat it too.

Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you’re
with us or you’re with the terrorists" don’t these people
understand?

Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000
young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over
a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we
say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World
a safer place.

Critics
may seize upon some of the
president’s words to paint him as a thick-headed,
born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit
for his job as leader of the free world. Some
even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively
symbolic word "nuclear."

But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are
innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance
against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration’s
actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that
this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy
that he continued to read "My
Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of
the Sept. 11 attacks.

Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels
and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words
like "malfeasance" and "subliminible."
So what if he has five ways to say "Abu
Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin
Laden?

The important thing is he believes he has the ability to
communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained
by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given
right of each fetus to own a gun.

We must not let some decorated military "hero"
cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy
service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe
for debauchery.

See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that
his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise
taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp
out family values.

Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper
fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks
about the horrors of war?

President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he
completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that
there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly
no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.

Click here for a gallery of Spratz artwork

Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new
while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell
research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society,
gay marriage.

And so, as the most important election of our time draws near,
do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid independent
research that President Bush has harmed the economy with his
tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation’s stature in the
eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands of American
and Iraqi lives.

As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay
the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the
terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.

So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity
in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands
that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president
whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the
White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.

John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette