George W. Bush rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I admit it is not
very nice to call the President of the United States a "flaming
asshole," but that’s just how I feel. I can barely stand
the sight of his smug, lying face. But there he is on my goddamn
television, every day, spending those millions from his bottomless
campaign warchest.

In his
latest campaign ad, the president displays his unparalleled
talent for coming across as a jerk even when delivering a
"positive" soundbite. Watch Bush’s face and body
language when he says: "I’m optimistic about America
because I believe in the people of America."

He’s got that half smirk going, and he’s shaking his head
"no" as if he’s dismissing the latest pain-in-the-ass
question about his war, as if he is about to add, "I’d
be very careful about denigrating the spirit of the American
people."

But that’s just Bush playing one of his favorite, most transparent
games. You know the one: No matter what the question is, Bush
pretends the questioner has just insulted America and that
he is stepping in to defend her.

I know it would probably be much more helpful to offer a
reasoned, analytical critique of Bush’s policies. But some
days it seems more important to just call him a friggin’ jackass
and leave it at that.

Just pals
Refuting a
recent Humor Gazette report that Osama bin Laden and
Saddam Hussein shared an intimate relationship that resulted
in marriage and the adoption of a shaved-ape baby, a bin Laden
spokesmen tells esteemed fake news man Andy Borowitz that
the wild and crazy evildoers are "just
good friends."

June 18, 2004

Sunday is Father’s Day.
Here is a humorous
salute to an outstanding dad, mine.

Fistful of Jelly Beans

By John Breneman

The presidency, The Gipper now reminds us, is performance
art.

And so George Bush, badly miscast as leader of the free world,
plays President George W. Bush — part action hero, part villain,
part Burt Reynolds ham — with a devious twinkle and a trillion-dollar
smirk.

It is no secret that to faithfully execute their duties as
Infotainers-in-Chief, both men have drawn inspiration from
iconic movie strongmen Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.

Dutch did Dirty Harry. "Make my day."
Bush does the Duke. "Dead or alive."

You with me, punk?

It’s Dutch, the Duke, Josey and George.
And it can get a little confusing.

Did Reagan star in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)?
Or was it Bush in "Hellcat of the National Guard"
(1972)?

Was it Wayne in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or W. in "Sands
of Mesopotamia"?
John showed us "How the West Was Won" and the West
won the Cold War with Ron. Clint gripped his "Fistful
of Dollars," Ronnie his "Fistful of Jelly Beans."

Mucho cowboy karma links the swaggering Duke to the Tumbleweed
Shrub. Wayne played "The Lucky Texan" in 1934. Bush
was born into the same role in 1946.

Duke did "Back to Bataan." Bush, "Back to
Baghdad."
Wayne personified "True Grit." Bush personifies
"True Git."

Year
after year, Wayne rode the white horse in films whose titles
now haunt the White House. "Born Reckless" (1930),
"Two-Fisted Law" (1932), "Texas Terror"
(1935), "The Lawless Nineties" (1936), "They
Were Expendable" (1945), "Without Reservations"
(1946), "Angel and the Badman" (1947), "Plunder
of the Sun" (1953), "Trouble Along the Way"
(1953), "The High and the Mighty" (1954), "Blood
Alley" (1955), "The Conqueror" (1956), "Circus
World" (1964), "Cast a Giant Shadow" (1966)
and "Hellfighters" (1968).

You get my meaning, Pilgrim?

Once those tinhorn judges named Bush sheriff he headed East,
Eastwood-style, packing a "Fistful of Tax Cuts,"
trigger finger on his .44 Magnum, itching to bust Saddam Hussein
"Every Which Way But Loose." The star of "Sudden
Impact" has had more than a subtle impact on the failed
Texas oilman turned international enforcer.

Clint’s movie titles, too, echo through the Bush filmography.
"Revenge of the Creature" (1955), "The Beguiled"
(1971), "The Dead Pool" (1988), "White Hunter,
Black Heart" (1990), "Absolute Power" (1997),
"True Crime" (1999) and "Space Cowboys"
(2000).

"The Good, the Bad and the Axis of Evil."

From
Knute Rockne to Newt Gingrich, Dutch and W. cross paths along
the dusty trail. Rancher Reagan’s brand was the Silver Screen,
Bush’s the Silver Spoon. Ronnie instinctively knew when it
was "Bedtime for Bonzo." Not so with Georgie and
"Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan ordered Mr. Gorbachev
to "tear down this wall." The wall Mr. Bush wants
demolished separates Church and State.

The Hollywood airbrush could never mask all of Ronald Reagan’s
warts. But he seemed sincere when he evoked the spirit of
his 1943 short film "For God and Country." In President
Bush’s script those words read more like a soundbite from
a spaghetti western.

Please consider casting a vote for the Humor Gazette

Rumsfeld offers proof of link between Saddam
Hussein and … Rumsfeld

By
John Breneman

While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam
Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers
with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right?
Guess again.

Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became
a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty
of help from his pals in Washington.

Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass
destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when
Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago,
Rummy kept his yap shut. Here’s a quote from an August 2002
article
by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:

In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the
world’s attention to Saddam’s chemical threat. He was in Baghdad
as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against
Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State
Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq
was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.

He was too busy kissing Hussein’s ass.

Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all
the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He
was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents
from U.S. companies, according to this
"Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here’s a quote:

As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld’s (1983-84)
diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged,
both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and
biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both
Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included
sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components
which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas
and ricin.

The nerve of these guys.

Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld
propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein
did not have time to address Iraq’s use of chemical weapons,
but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other
mutual interests."

Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about
the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps
I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.

Related reading:
Rumsfeld’s
old flame — by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine

Here’s a quote:
The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline
and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator"
is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business,
and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and
daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when
a deal goes bad.