Power
outage linked to squirrel terrorists

By John Breneman

A rogue squirrel knocked out power across much of the Eastern
Seaboard early today in an act of sabotage that the president
is calling "a heinous and cowardly act of rodent terrorism."
An unidentified squirrel leaped into an electrical transformer
at a unidentified substation shortly after 9 a.m., just as
the business day began.

The economic impact of the brazen daylight suicide mission
is estimated at $74.2 killion as millions of technology-dependent
workers were left literally powerless to do their jobs. Employees
at one local dot-com were startled to find the company no
longer existed when the electricity came back on. And several
firms provided counseling to help workers deal with the emotional
trauma of not being able to get onto their computers.

President Bush joked that
the squirrel terrorists probably have stockpiled acorns of
mass destruction for the upcoming nuclear winter and vowed
to "smoke ’em out of their trees."

The squirrel was killed instantly and so could not be questioned
regarding his motive. But police say a group identifying itself
as the Bushy Tail Liberation Army is claiming responsibility
for the attack. The BTLA, which exploded onto the international
rodent terrorism scene when it sizzled a power transformer
outside the White House last November, scratched the following
statement into the bark of a giant oak tree near FBI headquarters:

"We demand an immediate end to the vehicular genocide
being perpetrated against the squirrel community by our human
oppressors in their noxious SUVs."

Citing the "needless slaughter" of millions of
squirrels on our nation’s roadways, the BTLA vowed that more
serious power outages would follow unless authorities complied
with their demands. These include:

— Legislation imposing stiff fines and jail time for squashing
a squirrel in an automobile.

— Erection of "Squirrel Crossing" signs and overpasses
at specified locations.

— Immediate repeal of heavy tariffs on the import of exotic
European and Asian acorns.

— Federal subsidies to stimulate trade with acorn-producing
nations.

— And sweeping oak tree preservation measures, including
a nationwide ban on the use of oak in furniture manufacturing.

Special Agent James Nutt of the FBI’s elite anti-rodent terrorism
unit said there is no cause for the public to be alarmed.
But he did offer several tips for homeowners concerned that
the squirrels chattering and foraging out in their yard might
be aligned with the BTLA rebels. Tell-tale signs include:

— Squirrels congregating in groups and chattering in hushed
tones.

— Shifty eyes.

— Handguns and ammunition missing from your closet.

— Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons appearing mysteriously on
your TV.

If you suspect an ordinary household squirrel of engaging
in subversive activity, Nutt warned, do not attempt to subdue
the rodent yourself. They are often trained in martial arts
like Tae Akorn Do. Instead, police urge you to scamper inside
and whimper like a baby until help arrives.