White House in doghouse over puppy choice

By
John Breneman

President Bush has come under fire for selecting a Scottish
terrier instead of an American breed as the cuddly new White
House puppy.

Dane Basset, a spokesman for B.A.R.K. (Buy American Registered
K9s), criticized the Bushes for failing to make a more patriotic
selection. "An American pit bull terrier would have sent
a powerful message to the rest of the world, like ‘You play
things our way or we’ll rip your friggin’ head off’,"
said Basset.

But President Bush said he wanted the decision process to
be entirely free of political considerations. So after quickly
ruling out German shepards and French poodles, he refused
to pander to Hispanic voters by adopting a chihuahua and settled
in on the Scottish terrier, which the Bushes have named Miss
Beazley.

The 10-week-old canine frolicked for the cameras Thursday
with the Bush’s other dog Barney, also a Scottish terrier.
The adorable little bitch, a birthday gift to First Lady Laura
Bush, is said to be the daughter of Barney’s half-brother.

The animal has been fully vetted by the FBI to assure there
will be no embarrassing revelations involving public urination
or links to any extremist terrier organizations. Miss Beazley
is expected to breeze through her upcoming Senate confirmation
hearings.

Sources say Laura Bush put considerable thought into naming
her new puppy. Miss Beazley won out over a colorful list that
included Miss Condy, Flip-Flop, Ahmad, Tax-Cutter, Arbusto,
Spot II and W.M.Deedles.

Miss Beazley is expected to get along well with the president’s
beloved pet goat, Michael, and the rest of the White House
menagerie: a praying mantis named Mr. Jeezums, Saddam Hussein’s
former hamster and a belligerent armadillo called Rum-Tum-Tumsfeld.

Santa Claus denies use of steroids

By
John Breneman

Authorities investigating the steroid scandal now plaguing
Major League Baseball say they have discovered evidence implicating
Santa Claus in the use of performance-enhancing drugs.

A spokesman for Mr. Claus denied the allegations, saying
he subsists primarily on milk and cookies. But some observers
claim his bulky red uniform conceals the fact that the roly-poly
holiday icon has magically replaced his "bowl full of
jelly" physique with the kind of lean muscle mass commonly
associated with steroid use.

A transcript of grand jury testimony obtained by the Humor
Gazette reveals that Mr. Claus admits being given some unfamiliar
cookies in December of 2002. The document also alleges that
on at least three separate occasions in 2003 Mr. Claus consumed
egg nog laced the Human Growth Hormone.

"Turns out jolly old Saint Nick may not be such a saint
after all," said Charles D. Grinch, a federal prosecutor
based near the Arctic Circle. "How else could he fly
all over the world delivering millions of tons of gifts?"

The troubling allegations come amid increasing pressure on
Mr. Claus to submit urine samples for himself and his flying
reindeer.

The investigation is ongoing.

Scent of a pop tart

By John Breneman

Hey ladies, have you ever gone to a hotel and fantasized
about banging the beguiling stranger in the room next door?
If so, pop slut turned perfume mogul-ette Britney Spears has
got a hot new fragrance for you.

It’s called Curious, and the fabulous commercial features
the doe-eyed diva either fantasizing about getting nailed
or actually seducing her mystery man into a steamy fingernails-raking-the-back
sex romp.

Unlike lesser creative artists — who might be content to
slap their name on some toilet water and rake in millions
from pop tart wannabes and gullible boyfriends — word is
Britney gave some juicy input to the "scent boys"
in putting together her naughty new ‘fume. She has even mastered
the marketing soundbite, calling the aroma "seriously
sexy."

Britney’s odor is described as "an exhilarating white
floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia and wrapped in the
sensuality of vanilla-infused musk."

It’s only $49.50 for a 3.3 oz. mini-jug and it comes with
a free gift — a T-shirt emblazoned with the pheromone-producing
slogan "Deliciously Whipped!"

But wait, there’s more. For just another $50 or so, you can
get Curious body souffle, Curious shower gel and Curious shimmer
stick. That’s not a bad deal, considering that Team Spears
could probably sell tiny decanters of Britney’s used bath
water for $200 a pop. (At presstime, bidding on eBay had reached
$10,000 for a vial of her pee.)

Meanwhile, keep a nostril out for other celebrity scents.
Coming soon:

Hilary Duff ("Facsimile")
Lindsay Lohan ("Me2")
Jessica Simpson ("Oblivious")
Christina Aguilera ("Genital Breeze")
Jenna Jameson ("Secretions")
Anna Nicole Smith ("Smitty")
Angelina Jolie ("Plasma")
Paris Hilton ("Gangbang")
Kirstie Alley ("Colossus")
Martha Stewart ("Captivity")
Condoleezza Rice ("Security")

(For Men)
P. Diddy ("Ho")
Ashton Kutcher ("Douche")
Vin Diesel ("Fumes")
Mel Gibson ("Passion")
Tony Danza ("Emote")

Hilary
Duff redefines ‘creative artist’

As part of her evolution as a creative
artist, Duff has taken the bold step of actually offering
input to the songwriters who create the material she performs.

A special report by Lars Trodson

Editor’s
Note: My grandmother died on Thanksgiving Day at age 94.
She was feisty and funny and sweet. Below, if you are interested,
is a piece I wrote for her on her 90th birthday in 2000. Best
Humor Gazette wishes to all your loved ones.

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Striving to bring together the divided nation,
President George W. Bush is eyeing a universally respected
figure for a key Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated
reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary
discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.

A beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient
worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, Mr.
Claus has no prior political
experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice
due to his extraordinarily high "favorability rating."
And though he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack,
he is believed to be virtually free of political baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him
to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered
sleigh, is reportedly being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus’ cutting-edge
work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize
the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm
that Mr. Claus’ innate ability to tell who’s been "naughty"
vs. who’s been "nice" made him an attractive candidate
to replace John Ashcroft as Attorney General.

And several leading economists — noting Mr. Claus’ powerful
impact on the nation’s gross national product each year at
this time — suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of
Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round
residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration
to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation’s leading employer
of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department
of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would
draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom
reportedly no longer believe in him.

FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus’ background
and "checking it twice," in part to determine whether
his well-documented "love" for little boys and girls
is cause for concern.
A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment
on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was
about to leave on a very important annual business trip.

But President-elect Bush said he is eager to discuss the
possibilities over milk and cookies in Washington next week
when "Santa Claus is coming to town."

Shop and awe

Despite scattered reports of violence, U.S. shoppers sustained
minimal casualties during the first few days of the holiday
shopping blitz that began last Friday.

But rampant consumerism turned deadly at a Wal-Mart in Kentucky
yesterday when two shoppers were slain by a heavily armed
Robosapien, a remote-control robot that is one of this year’s
hottest gifts. Police are trying to determine whether the
toy acted alone or was operated by a disgruntled human.

The death toll now stands at three — a Texas tot was crushed
by a giant SpongeBob SquarePants — but analysts say it could
climb as determined consumers battle for coveted items under
the pressure of a Dec. 25 deadline.

The annual battle to purchase material goods for Jesus’s
birthday began the day after Thanksgiving (aka Black Friday)
with a coordinated pre-dawn assault on the nation’s retailers.

Bargain-hunting consumers coast-to-coast mobbed the nearest
Wal-Mart and mauled their local malls, displaying a fierce
Toys R Us vs. Them mentality while doing an estimated $80
billion in damage to their bank accounts. Authorities say
some of the heaviest skirmishes took place at strife-torn
Circuit City.

Other injuries sustained during the barrage of transactions:

— A Pennsylvania woman took some plastic shrapnel from two
shopping carts involved in a high-speed crash at Sears.

— Six shoppers were flattened while trying to grab the last
$139 flat-screen TV at a New Jersey electronics store. One
lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion of fresh high-density
plasma.

Homeland Security horoscope

Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge, shown here consulting his imaginary crystal terror ball, has resigned. But not before issuing this Homeland Security horoscope.

Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation’s
top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk
Assessment Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing
with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection
with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter
of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings
for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate
them. Don’t let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties
with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar
smiles.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation
systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist
incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead
to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one’s
fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question
your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family
personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct
tape.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds
you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal
security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement
agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to
disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target.
Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of
an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources
to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself
to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia.
Turn your stress about man’s inherent capacity for evil into
positive energy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter
is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing
with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports
of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing
free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few
civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you.
Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance
or beady eyes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will
likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly
report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department
of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you’ve
never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to
your home and work environments to essential personnel only.
Don’t succumb to a panic attack: Today’s threat level for
apocalyptic doom is LOW.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement
of household protective measures within the context of current
threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen
complications. Fortify your perimeter.

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader
knows they’re just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual
relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely
nonexistent. But they can be fun if not taken too seriously.
In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent
aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope

Bush
relative holds slim lead
in Iraq pre-election polls

Polls show the early leader in the race for president of
Iraq is a little-known second cousin of President George W.
Bush.

Ahmad W. Bush, described as a fervent born-again Shiite who
favors tax cuts for oil industry warlords, holds a slim lead
over Jihad Party nominee Mohammed al-Mohamma-Lama-Dingdong.

Other contenders include Occupation Party leader Akbar Q.
Halliburton and Moral Values Party nominee Allah Bama-Slamma,
who supports beheading for adultery and pre-marital sex.

A White House spokesman said that, despite widespread violence
and complete disorganization, it is vitally important to stage
an Iraq election on the scheduled date of Jan. 30 because
"otherwise we’ll look like incompetent morons again."

Geopolitical pundits believe securing the Iraqi presidency
would strengthen the Bush family’s growing stranglehold on
the fate of the world.

President Bush’s brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, is considered
by many to be the front-runner for the Republican presidential
nomination in 2008, and Jeb’s telegenic, Hispanic-blooded
son George P. Bush is said to be eying the presidency of Mexico.

Countries already under Bush control include oil-rich Saudi
Arabia, whose leader, Prince Bandar bin Sultan, is affectionately
known as Bandar Bush.

There are unconfirmed reports that former President George
H.W. Bush, an ex-military hero and CIA chief whose international
business connections enable him to profit from war, might
be sent into North Korea to "take out" President
Kim Jong-Il.

Media insiders say former first lady Barbara Bush provides
the "muscle," using fear, intimidation and threats
of military action against anyone who criticizes her family
dynasty.

This just in: Fox News is reporting that the president’s
impressive Nov. 2 victory validated the Bush family’s "mandate"
for world domination.

Dysfunctional family Thanksgiving

If you’re scrapping around for something to be thankful for
this Thursday, count your blessings that you’ll never have
to spend Thanksgiving at Uncle Ma and Aunt Pa’s house down
off’m Greenleaf Parsons Road in York, Maine.

There’s a lot of yelling, a little scuffling and some right
poor manners. But at least ain’t nobody lost a finger since
’82 — knock wood — when we had to shut off Uncle Ma from
carving the turkey for good.

Last year things started to get out of hand early when an
argument flared up between Aunt Pa (short for Pauline) and
Grandma Weezie over where the Pilgrims had the first Thanksgiving
dinner back in 1621.

Pa insisted that the feast took place at the Plymouth Colony
down in Massachusetts. But Weezie, who still has most of her
wits about her at 110, swore that the Mayflower gang drove
a bunch of wagons to the top of Mount Agamenticus for a meal
consisting primarily of lobster and sauteed kelp.

"Don’t get my dandruff up," yelled Weezie, as Baby
Cyrus spewed niblets onto his Speed Racer bib. "It’s
well-known that Miles Standish used to haul his traps out
of York Harbor from a skiff named the Mayflower Marie. Hmmph,
Massachusetts indeed."

"Yeah, whatever," said Pa, who went back to shellacking
her 53-pound turkey with a pungent concoction of parsnip brandy
and pumpkin-flavored cough syrup that she borrowed from the
neighbor lady.

But it was too late. Weezie was on a tear. "Don’t you
be bad-mouthing them Pilgrims, especially that one that wrote
the Decoration of Indy-Pendants. They’s heroes. Heroes! Ain’t
that right, Mr. Bojingly?"

Now, Mr. Bojingly didn’t answer right off, mostly because
he was a chimp and didn’t speak English too well. Uncle Ma
(short for Maurice) had gotten him for Weezie to help out
with chores around her shack. Mr. Bojingly instead just flicked
a dollop of corn-pone batter at Aunt Pa.

Weezie went on to say she’d seen a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving
Day parade where Regis Philbin and a bunch of shameless fake
Pilgrims were gyrating to the beat of "Who Let the Dogs
Out?" under the shadow of a 90-foot-tall "Hillary
for President" balloon.

Fortunately it was almost time to eat. Spread out on the
table before us was a cornucopia of traditional family favorites,
some of them you may recall from the writeup I done a couple
years ago around this time.

Oh, there was Kung Pow chipmunk and scallion Jello. Spam
pot pie and Weezie’s five-alarm fruit salad. Baked stuffed
chinchilla and a new recipe that Aunt Pa called "bowl
weevil surprise."

"I hope everybody’s hungry," said Pa, as she opened
the stove and began to pull out the bird.
Ma’s two pit bulls, Patches and Carnivorous Rex, edged closer
to the oven as Pa struggled with the majestic 53-pound specimen.
Just then the turkey crashed to the floor and the dogs attacked,
devouring the helpless bird like a pair of mad, furry piranhas.

When the snarling canines finally finished their job, a horrified
silence fell over the kitchen. Then Carnivorous Rex burped
up the wishbone. Fortunately Pa just reached further back
in the oven and pulled out another turkey, slightly bigger
than the first.

"I always like to cook a backup bird," explained
Pa. "You never know when them pit bulls is gonna act
up."

When we took our places around the table, the usual dispute
erupted over whether to simply thank the Good Lord for the
bounty before us or, as Weezie suggested, to pray for an end
to the hostilities in South Berwick and a speedy recovery
for Idiot Third Cousin Twice Removed Jimmy, who was suffering
from a neurological disorder that Weezie called "polio
of the mind."

Jimmy just grinned and started jabbering. But Weezie cut
him off before he could advance his repugnant theories about
the superiority of white meat over dark.

Auntie Tums wanted to petition the Lord for U.S. sanctions
against North Korea and a benevolent, omniscient solution
to the troubles facing Social Security and Medicare.

Ma proposed an amendment under which we would box up our
leftovers and mail them to the starving people of the Sudan.
But Pa countered that a taste of his special 43-bean salad
might make a real difference to the folks in East Timor.

Amen.

The next 45 minutes were a surreal, audiovisual blur of knives
and forks gnashing, glasses clinking, tangled arms and murmurs
of "Please pass the ferret."

We were all pretty stuffed and exhausted when it came time
for dessert. But that didn’t stop any of us from gorging ourselves
on Auntie Tums’ Deep-Dish Mincemeat Meringue Pie, winner of
a brown ribbon at the Cape Neddick Fair. Or from laughing
like hyenas when Mr. Bojingly spilled some banana souffle
on his crisp white Armani shirt.

Y’all are welcome to come by on Thursday. But if you do,
make sure to tell Aunt Pa that hers is the best dang roasted
salamander gizzard you’ve ever tasted.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman swears that any resemblance
to actual Breneman family members in the above story is purely
coincidental.

A
pair of Thanksgiving blessings

Clinton the Librarian

Four American presidents join forces in Arkansas to fight for truth, justice and the American way.

It was raining presidents at the president-filled grand opening
of a library honoring the reign of President William Jefferson
Clinton.

The star-studded stage outside the glistening William J.
Clinton Presidential Center was flooded with presidential
testosterone as the War President, the Wimp President and
the Peanut President all paid tribute to the Penis President.

Hoping to project unity to the divided and hopelessly confused
nation, the two Democratic and two Republican presidents were
all hugs and kisses for the cameras, except when President
Bush Sr. said how much he "hated" Clinton for beating
his ass in a debate and for being 10 times more charismatic
and visionary.

The current President Bush had kind words for Clinton, saying
that in the soft focus of history he is "not such a scumbag
after all."

Red and blue TV viewers in now-quiet battleground states
sat on the edge of their seats as media pundits gushed about
Clinton the "rock star" and how his legacy will
be forever semen-stained by sex with a groupie.

Two of Clinton’s rock star buddies, Bono and the Edge of
U2, were the headline performers for a crowd that included
noted standup comics Robin Williams and Karl Rove. Noted non-president
John Kerry was also on hand, sporting a $27,000 L.L. Bean
Rain-Buster kevlar umbrella.

The $165 million glass-and-steel Clinton center is the most
expensive library ever erected, partly because extra square
footage was needed to house the former president’s expansive
collection of pornography and sex scandal member-abilia.

The structure features a dimly lit "porn alcove"
with rare XXX titles like "Midnight Filibuster"
and "Hillary Does Congress," and an interactive
exhibit where visitors can experience the heady sensation
of taking a puff of marijuana without actually inhaling.

Related story:
Clinton memoir
penned with company ink

Armchair pundits offer electric chair analysis

Speculation now shifts to whether the heartless, Viagra-popping Peterson’s complete lack of a human soul will hurt him during death penalty deliberations.

Now that a jury has found California psycho Scott Peterson
guilty of killing his wife and unborn son, the sensational
round-the-clock media coverage shifts to whether Peterson
will get the death penalty.

Public opinion is divided on whether Peterson should live
or die, but polls show there is near universal agreement on
one thing – the Scott Peterson "story" must be put
to death as soon as possible.

"Death penalty, life in prison … doesn’t matter to
me. That murdering scum deserves whatever they give him,"
said a man on the street. "But I’ll tell you, I’m sick
of how the media has been beating this case to death. I swear
if they don’t let up I may go on a spree myself."

Though several legal analysts pointed out they had predicted
a verdict might be reached on Friday, none had a clue how
inane their commentary sounded when woven together with other
similarly obvious and repetitive soundbites.

When word came late Friday that the verdict was first-degree
murder, the same legal analysts were reintroduced as armchair
electric chair experts to speculate about whether the clone-faced
Peterson will live or die … or use the appeals court process
to haunt us eternally from some media overkill netherworld.