Homeland Security horoscope

Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge, shown here consulting his imaginary crystal terror ball, has resigned. But not before issuing this Homeland Security horoscope.

Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation’s
top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk
Assessment Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing
with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection
with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter
of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings
for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate
them. Don’t let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties
with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar
smiles.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation
systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist
incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead
to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one’s
fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question
your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family
personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct
tape.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds
you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal
security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement
agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to
disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target.
Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of
an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources
to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself
to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia.
Turn your stress about man’s inherent capacity for evil into
positive energy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter
is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing
with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports
of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing
free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few
civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you.
Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance
or beady eyes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will
likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly
report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department
of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you’ve
never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to
your home and work environments to essential personnel only.
Don’t succumb to a panic attack: Today’s threat level for
apocalyptic doom is LOW.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement
of household protective measures within the context of current
threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen
complications. Fortify your perimeter.

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader
knows they’re just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual
relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely
nonexistent. But they can be fun if not taken too seriously.
In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent
aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope