Homeland Security horoscope

Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge, shown here consulting his imaginary crystal terror ball, has resigned. But not before issuing this Homeland Security horoscope.

Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation’s
top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk
Assessment Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing
with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection
with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter
of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings
for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate
them. Don’t let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties
with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar
smiles.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation
systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist
incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead
to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one’s
fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question
your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family
personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct
tape.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds
you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal
security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement
agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to
disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target.
Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of
an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources
to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself
to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia.
Turn your stress about man’s inherent capacity for evil into
positive energy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter
is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing
with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports
of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing
free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few
civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you.
Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance
or beady eyes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will
likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly
report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department
of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you’ve
never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to
your home and work environments to essential personnel only.
Don’t succumb to a panic attack: Today’s threat level for
apocalyptic doom is LOW.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement
of household protective measures within the context of current
threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen
complications. Fortify your perimeter.

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader
knows they’re just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual
relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely
nonexistent. But they can be fun if not taken too seriously.
In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent
aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope

Bush
relative holds slim lead
in Iraq pre-election polls

Polls show the early leader in the race for president of
Iraq is a little-known second cousin of President George W.
Bush.

Ahmad W. Bush, described as a fervent born-again Shiite who
favors tax cuts for oil industry warlords, holds a slim lead
over Jihad Party nominee Mohammed al-Mohamma-Lama-Dingdong.

Other contenders include Occupation Party leader Akbar Q.
Halliburton and Moral Values Party nominee Allah Bama-Slamma,
who supports beheading for adultery and pre-marital sex.

A White House spokesman said that, despite widespread violence
and complete disorganization, it is vitally important to stage
an Iraq election on the scheduled date of Jan. 30 because
"otherwise we’ll look like incompetent morons again."

Geopolitical pundits believe securing the Iraqi presidency
would strengthen the Bush family’s growing stranglehold on
the fate of the world.

President Bush’s brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, is considered
by many to be the front-runner for the Republican presidential
nomination in 2008, and Jeb’s telegenic, Hispanic-blooded
son George P. Bush is said to be eying the presidency of Mexico.

Countries already under Bush control include oil-rich Saudi
Arabia, whose leader, Prince Bandar bin Sultan, is affectionately
known as Bandar Bush.

There are unconfirmed reports that former President George
H.W. Bush, an ex-military hero and CIA chief whose international
business connections enable him to profit from war, might
be sent into North Korea to "take out" President
Kim Jong-Il.

Media insiders say former first lady Barbara Bush provides
the "muscle," using fear, intimidation and threats
of military action against anyone who criticizes her family
dynasty.

This just in: Fox News is reporting that the president’s
impressive Nov. 2 victory validated the Bush family’s "mandate"
for world domination.

Dysfunctional family Thanksgiving

If you’re scrapping around for something to be thankful for
this Thursday, count your blessings that you’ll never have
to spend Thanksgiving at Uncle Ma and Aunt Pa’s house down
off’m Greenleaf Parsons Road in York, Maine.

There’s a lot of yelling, a little scuffling and some right
poor manners. But at least ain’t nobody lost a finger since
’82 — knock wood — when we had to shut off Uncle Ma from
carving the turkey for good.

Last year things started to get out of hand early when an
argument flared up between Aunt Pa (short for Pauline) and
Grandma Weezie over where the Pilgrims had the first Thanksgiving
dinner back in 1621.

Pa insisted that the feast took place at the Plymouth Colony
down in Massachusetts. But Weezie, who still has most of her
wits about her at 110, swore that the Mayflower gang drove
a bunch of wagons to the top of Mount Agamenticus for a meal
consisting primarily of lobster and sauteed kelp.

"Don’t get my dandruff up," yelled Weezie, as Baby
Cyrus spewed niblets onto his Speed Racer bib. "It’s
well-known that Miles Standish used to haul his traps out
of York Harbor from a skiff named the Mayflower Marie. Hmmph,
Massachusetts indeed."

"Yeah, whatever," said Pa, who went back to shellacking
her 53-pound turkey with a pungent concoction of parsnip brandy
and pumpkin-flavored cough syrup that she borrowed from the
neighbor lady.

But it was too late. Weezie was on a tear. "Don’t you
be bad-mouthing them Pilgrims, especially that one that wrote
the Decoration of Indy-Pendants. They’s heroes. Heroes! Ain’t
that right, Mr. Bojingly?"

Now, Mr. Bojingly didn’t answer right off, mostly because
he was a chimp and didn’t speak English too well. Uncle Ma
(short for Maurice) had gotten him for Weezie to help out
with chores around her shack. Mr. Bojingly instead just flicked
a dollop of corn-pone batter at Aunt Pa.

Weezie went on to say she’d seen a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving
Day parade where Regis Philbin and a bunch of shameless fake
Pilgrims were gyrating to the beat of "Who Let the Dogs
Out?" under the shadow of a 90-foot-tall "Hillary
for President" balloon.

Fortunately it was almost time to eat. Spread out on the
table before us was a cornucopia of traditional family favorites,
some of them you may recall from the writeup I done a couple
years ago around this time.

Oh, there was Kung Pow chipmunk and scallion Jello. Spam
pot pie and Weezie’s five-alarm fruit salad. Baked stuffed
chinchilla and a new recipe that Aunt Pa called "bowl
weevil surprise."

"I hope everybody’s hungry," said Pa, as she opened
the stove and began to pull out the bird.
Ma’s two pit bulls, Patches and Carnivorous Rex, edged closer
to the oven as Pa struggled with the majestic 53-pound specimen.
Just then the turkey crashed to the floor and the dogs attacked,
devouring the helpless bird like a pair of mad, furry piranhas.

When the snarling canines finally finished their job, a horrified
silence fell over the kitchen. Then Carnivorous Rex burped
up the wishbone. Fortunately Pa just reached further back
in the oven and pulled out another turkey, slightly bigger
than the first.

"I always like to cook a backup bird," explained
Pa. "You never know when them pit bulls is gonna act
up."

When we took our places around the table, the usual dispute
erupted over whether to simply thank the Good Lord for the
bounty before us or, as Weezie suggested, to pray for an end
to the hostilities in South Berwick and a speedy recovery
for Idiot Third Cousin Twice Removed Jimmy, who was suffering
from a neurological disorder that Weezie called "polio
of the mind."

Jimmy just grinned and started jabbering. But Weezie cut
him off before he could advance his repugnant theories about
the superiority of white meat over dark.

Auntie Tums wanted to petition the Lord for U.S. sanctions
against North Korea and a benevolent, omniscient solution
to the troubles facing Social Security and Medicare.

Ma proposed an amendment under which we would box up our
leftovers and mail them to the starving people of the Sudan.
But Pa countered that a taste of his special 43-bean salad
might make a real difference to the folks in East Timor.

Amen.

The next 45 minutes were a surreal, audiovisual blur of knives
and forks gnashing, glasses clinking, tangled arms and murmurs
of "Please pass the ferret."

We were all pretty stuffed and exhausted when it came time
for dessert. But that didn’t stop any of us from gorging ourselves
on Auntie Tums’ Deep-Dish Mincemeat Meringue Pie, winner of
a brown ribbon at the Cape Neddick Fair. Or from laughing
like hyenas when Mr. Bojingly spilled some banana souffle
on his crisp white Armani shirt.

Y’all are welcome to come by on Thursday. But if you do,
make sure to tell Aunt Pa that hers is the best dang roasted
salamander gizzard you’ve ever tasted.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman swears that any resemblance
to actual Breneman family members in the above story is purely
coincidental.

A
pair of Thanksgiving blessings

Clinton the Librarian

Four American presidents join forces in Arkansas to fight for truth, justice and the American way.

It was raining presidents at the president-filled grand opening
of a library honoring the reign of President William Jefferson
Clinton.

The star-studded stage outside the glistening William J.
Clinton Presidential Center was flooded with presidential
testosterone as the War President, the Wimp President and
the Peanut President all paid tribute to the Penis President.

Hoping to project unity to the divided and hopelessly confused
nation, the two Democratic and two Republican presidents were
all hugs and kisses for the cameras, except when President
Bush Sr. said how much he "hated" Clinton for beating
his ass in a debate and for being 10 times more charismatic
and visionary.

The current President Bush had kind words for Clinton, saying
that in the soft focus of history he is "not such a scumbag
after all."

Red and blue TV viewers in now-quiet battleground states
sat on the edge of their seats as media pundits gushed about
Clinton the "rock star" and how his legacy will
be forever semen-stained by sex with a groupie.

Two of Clinton’s rock star buddies, Bono and the Edge of
U2, were the headline performers for a crowd that included
noted standup comics Robin Williams and Karl Rove. Noted non-president
John Kerry was also on hand, sporting a $27,000 L.L. Bean
Rain-Buster kevlar umbrella.

The $165 million glass-and-steel Clinton center is the most
expensive library ever erected, partly because extra square
footage was needed to house the former president’s expansive
collection of pornography and sex scandal member-abilia.

The structure features a dimly lit "porn alcove"
with rare XXX titles like "Midnight Filibuster"
and "Hillary Does Congress," and an interactive
exhibit where visitors can experience the heady sensation
of taking a puff of marijuana without actually inhaling.

Related story:
Clinton memoir
penned with company ink

Armchair pundits offer electric chair analysis

Speculation now shifts to whether the heartless, Viagra-popping Peterson’s complete lack of a human soul will hurt him during death penalty deliberations.

Now that a jury has found California psycho Scott Peterson
guilty of killing his wife and unborn son, the sensational
round-the-clock media coverage shifts to whether Peterson
will get the death penalty.

Public opinion is divided on whether Peterson should live
or die, but polls show there is near universal agreement on
one thing – the Scott Peterson "story" must be put
to death as soon as possible.

"Death penalty, life in prison … doesn’t matter to
me. That murdering scum deserves whatever they give him,"
said a man on the street. "But I’ll tell you, I’m sick
of how the media has been beating this case to death. I swear
if they don’t let up I may go on a spree myself."

Though several legal analysts pointed out they had predicted
a verdict might be reached on Friday, none had a clue how
inane their commentary sounded when woven together with other
similarly obvious and repetitive soundbites.

When word came late Friday that the verdict was first-degree
murder, the same legal analysts were reintroduced as armchair
electric chair experts to speculate about whether the clone-faced
Peterson will live or die … or use the appeals court process
to haunt us eternally from some media overkill netherworld.

A
tip of the hat to Arafat

By John Breneman

Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in
stylish headgear lives on.

As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and
hoping they don’t pierce too many skulls on the way down,
geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat’s monumental
contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the
pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.

"Not
since Abe Lincoln and his legendary stovepipe tophat has one
man had such a profound impact on the history of headgear,"
said Richard "Cappy" Stetson, chairman of the prestigious
Fedora Institute. "Castro, Bush, Hamid Karzai over in
Afghanistan… These guys all wear hats from time to time,
but nobody can touch Arafat. I once saw him craft an exquisite,
Allah-approved turban out of a discarded Wal-Mart bag."

Now that Arafat, a 12-time winner of the United Nations’
coveted "Best Hat" award, no longer sports a living
head on which to display his famous checkered tablecloth,
it is believed that other world leaders are eager to fill
the void.

A
spokesman for Pope John Paul said the pontiff has privately
admitted he would love to cap his distinguished career with
the U.N. hat prize but understands the competition is intense,
with Fidel Castro reportedly working on a drab olive green
number that his valet says "combines the flair of the
Blues Brothers with the timeless barbarism of Idi Amin."

Chinese
President Jiang Zemin has been spotted in a tri-cornered Colonial-era
number that is said to be black with gold trim. he C.I.A.
has picked up some "chatter" indicating that Osama
bin Laden has been experimenting with a jaunty straw hat.
And the Iranians are said to be developing a baseball cap
composed entirely of enriched uranium.

President Bush, meanwhile, has publicly downplayed the post-Arafat
hat scenario. Aides say they are urging Bush to stick with
cowboy hats and fighter pilot helmets, but Bush is said to
prefer a red, white and blue dunce cap with a nifty propeller
on top.

Media bloviators suck wind on Election
Night

Bill O’Reilly VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Your image as a bombastic crusader for morality may be harmed by an underling who rejects your crude romantic advances. Don’t let sexual misconduct and blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony platitudes about family values. A substantial cash payoff should convince her to shut up.

By Lars Trodson

The results are in and it’s true: The old, white media bloviators
on the networks have served more time on TV than the oldest
member of the ancient Soviet Politburo, where it was patriotic
to die in office just after passing one’s 90th birthday.

As the election night dragged on, the white, white-haired
pundits wheezed and huffed through their arid analyses, all
of them puffing out of their suits like so many blow-dried
penguins.

Larry King looked so tired as he tried to figure out what
Wolf Blitzer was saying he had to prop his head up by resting
his chin on his hand.

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews set a record for describing each new
non-event as "interesting." "This is so interesting,"
Matthews told his audience 1,042 times, one time for each
viewer, apparently.

CNN’s Jeff Greenfield, who had obviously been listening to
Joe Scarborough on MSNBC, sleepwalked through his analysis
and looked a bit ashen. Blitzer, in a moment of confusion,
gave electoral college votes to "President Kerry."
As cadaverous as Fox’s Brit Hume looked, he still looked better
than the Gollum-like Carl Cameron.

The only fun of the night: the dagger-like stares emitting
from Andrea Mitchell’s eyes every time Scarborough interrupted
her to offer another pearl of wisdom on MSNBC. The only problem
for Mitchell was that Scarborough, as annoying as he is, was
right most of the time.

And where was the ubiquitous Howard Fineman? Obviously blowdrying
his beautiful copper-colored hair and rethinking his plans
to join a Kerry admin. Maybe he can call the White House and
convince the Bushies he wasn’t THAT much of a Kerry sycophant.

President Bush ‘out,’ media ‘in’

as biggest thing to complain about in ’05

Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided
nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce
a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the
Media."

Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as
exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations
like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing
propaganda.

And polls show growing disgust over the Media’s failure to
provide the citizenry with the complete, unbiased information
it needs to make decisions vital to our democracy.

In fact, many are now blaming the Media for failing to prevent
the war in Iraq by more vigorously questioning the president
and his men about the phony weapons of mass destruction and
the dishonest effort to link Saddam Hussein and Osama bin
Laden.

The Media could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous
source close to the media said Howard Fineman will be covering
the story in this week’s Newsweek, then pontificating about
it on Crossfire, Hardball, The O’Reilly Factor and Imus in
the Morning.

Incredible Hulk endorses
Dean
By John Breneman

Howard
Dean reached out to voters throughout New Hampshire today,
building on his newfound status as the first major presidential
candidate to emit an unnerving squeal on the campaign trail.

A
senior adviser said the screech that punctuated Dean’s aggressive
concession speech in Iowa on Monday night was actually a calculated
effort to demonstrate that "George W. Bush isn’t the
only guy in this race who’s a little loco." The spokesman
also denied a rumor that Dean was "jacked up on angel
dust" for the speech or that Rush Limbaugh had slipped
him an OxyContin mickey.

Though it frightened small children and made dogs whimper
and cover their ears, Dean’s speech won him the support of
the bipartisan Primal Scream Foundation, as well as an influential
union endorsement from Local #257 of the Brotherhood of Ornery
Orators.

The
group’s president said, "This race is about calling attention
to the Bush Administration’s mishandling of the war, education
reform and the economy. Howard Dean is the only candidate
with the political courage to deliver that message by rolling
up his sleeves, squinching up his eyes and squealing like
a banshee."

With the Jan. 27 New Hampshire primary looming, Dean also
received celebrity endorsements today from Macaulay Culkin,
Ned Beatty and the Incredible Hulk. But John Kerry has taken
a small lead in the polls and today received the coveted endorsement
of the Heinz Ketchup company newsletter.

As with any ridiculous politically incorrect blooper, there
is plenty of spin.

Republican strategists charge that Dean’s "meltdown"
is just further evidence that he is possessed by "liberal,
tax-and-spend evil spirits."

A source close to Dean countered that the "high-spirited"
speech proves the candidate is not just pandering to the temperate,
thou-shalt-not-scream-and-shout wing of the Democratic Party."

Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean declined to comment other than
to say she had prescribed a mild sedative.

1-22-04

Bill O’Reilly

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Your image as a bombastic
crusader for morality may be harmed by an underling who rejects
your crude romantic advances. Don’t let sexual misconduct
and blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony platitudes
about family values. A substantial cash payoff should convince
her to shut up.