It’s TV-Turnoff Week: Survival tips below

The television lights up the average U.S. home for 7 hours
40 minutes a day. Participation in the annual TV-Turnoff
Week (April 19-25) is expected to top 7.6 million people
this year. Below are some tips on passing the time without
turning on the tube:

Work on the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

Film the baby kicking someone in the groin for "America’s
Funniest Home Videos."

Go see "Starsky & Hutch" at the theater.

Gather the family around the table for some Kentucky Fried
Chicken.

Draw a picture of Bill O’Reilly shouting at a liberal.

Send a note urging the FCC not to cut back too
much on sex and violence.

Make origami Muppets.

Play computer solitaire until you lose track of time.

Go window shopping for a 64-inch high-definition TV.

Write a letter to a TV icon like Geraldo Rivera.

Play the home version of Wheel of Fortune.

Bake a pan of "SpongeBob SquarePants" marshmallow
treats.

Get some lighter fluid and re-enact some stunts from "Jackass."

Send a pledge to Pat Robertson at the 700 Club.

Talk with Grammy about the time she saw the Beatles on "Ed
Sullivan."

Write a humorous skit for your Simpsons action figures.

Suppress the inner voices telling you to flick on the tube.

Ponder the existential question: Why does everybody love
Raymond?

Call for free tickets to "The Daily Show."

Think up an idea for a new reality show involving sex, humiliation
and deception.

Construct a "Meet the Press" diorama.

Compile your own list of 100 Most Outrageous Celebrity Moments.

Dust off your Soloflex and get six-pack abs.

Scan the night sky for that thing you saw on "Nova."

Listen to NASCAR on the radio.

Sizzle up some burgers for the gang on a George Foreman grill.

Write haiku poetry about "The Sopranos."

Speak to your doctor about new prescription Cialis.

* Additional TV-Turnoff Week programming (To Be Announced)

President tells nation, ‘I’m sure something will pop into my head’

By
John Breneman

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay
the course.

His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine.
The president had successfully ducked one question about whether
he’d made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another
about "personal responsibility for September 11th."

He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice,
when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president
insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead
of individually.

George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from
the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck
of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished"
banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening’s attire,
the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White
House play closet.

President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed
the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting
to India if the violence does not abate.

He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr.
President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over
to on June 30th?"

BUSH (actual words): "We’ll find that out soon. That’s
what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He’s figuring out the nature of
the entity we’ll be handing sovereignty over."

See, Brahimi is on it. He’s gonna let us know. No truth to
the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton
for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.

Once the entity is identified and order restored it will
be safe to implement the president’s time-tested economic
development strategy — distribute generous tax breaks to
the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate
friends with addresses in the Bahamas.

Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming
out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place."
And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked
out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty
darn significant."

But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question.
Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake
be … and what lessons have learned from it?"

BUSH (actual words): "I wish you’d have given me this
written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John,
I’m sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could’ve
done it better this way or that way. You know, I just — I’m
sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of
this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to
come up with answer, but it hadn’t yet. …"

"I hope — I don’t want to sound like I have made no
mistakes. I’m confident I have. I just haven’t — you just
put me under the spot here, and maybe I’m not as quick on
my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

And don’t get him started on those weapons of mass destruction.
"They could still be there. They could be hidden, like
the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of
Col. Gadhafi’s leftovers found in Libya.

Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals
that President Bush favors the word "course" because
it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting
golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the
course" because it’s stuck in his head from hearing Dana
Carvey poke fun at his pop.

"Stay the course" means never having to say you’re
sorry, never having to answer any question you don’t want
to.

Stay the course, and you’ll probably find those weapons after
all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators
you promised yourself way back when.

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the
course?

Easter
Bunny held for questioning

By John Breneman

U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor
deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about
a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation’s
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday.

But sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim
he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in
Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52
million counts of contributing to the obesity of a minor.

The alleged incarceration of the Easter Bunny (aka Peter
Cotton-Tail) has already become politicized. Critics charge
that the Bush administration was slow to guard against the
threat that gut-busting quantities of chocolate might be deployed,
on a sacred religious holiday no less, despite a March 6 Presidential
Daily Briefing (PDB) entitled "Easter Bunny determined
to strike in U.S."

"We should have been on pastel alert," said White
House heckler Adolf W. Bush. "The president should have
been more vigilant about the national obesity epidemic that
makes our soft underbelly particularly vulnerable to, say,
a giant milk chocolate rabbit, fistfuls of jelly beans or
a gaggle of glistening marshmallow peeps."

But National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice appeared on
Oprah, Regis and Saturday Night Live to defend the president,
saying, "No one could have imagined terrorists using
candy as a weapon."

Rice admitted there was some heightened chatter in the months
leading up to Easter, but most of it non-specific fragments
like "Hippity hop bunny trail," "dye, eggs,
dye" and "mother of all chocolate Jesuses."

Santa
eyed for Cabinet post
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar

NH
winner Kerry urged to avoid ketchup stains

By John Breneman

Sen. John Kerry won a convincing victory in the New Hampshire
primary on Tuesday, prompting pundits to say the only way
he could lose the Democratic nomination now is if he gave
a ranting speech punctuated with an unnerving scream.

Kerry’s handlers have also advised him to avoid cursing,
belching and phony-looking Harley Davidson photo-ops as the
race moves to South Carolina and beyond.

"One accidental fart on national television could be
the soundbite, or ‘smellbite’ if you will, that could derail
the front-runner," said media analyst Joe Mentum. "Howard
Dean has proven that one embarrassing misstep, replayed on
cable news 145 million times, is all it takes to change the
entire campaign landscape."

Kerry also has been cautioned about making lame jokes, getting
ketchup on his shirt and spending too much time with Teddy
Kennedy.

Though he says it is "too early" to talk about
potential running mates, sources say Kerry may look past the
usual suspects like Sen. John Edwards to consider a pretend
politician like Martin Sheen, Will Ferrell or Wesley Clark.

Howard Dean finished second in New Hampshire, followed by
Clark, Edwards and Joe Lieberman, but notoriously cantankerous
Granite State voters showed their displeasure at the entire
Democratic slate by casting write-in votes for Portsmouth
Mayor Evelyn Sirrell, Patriots football coach Bill Belichick
and political newcomer Michael Jackson, coming of his surprise
victory in the Iowa caucuses.

Election interpreter Chad Counter, commenting on the results
of an exit poll conducted at Exit 14 on I-93, said New Hampshire
citizens used their votes to convey a range of emotions: "anger,
hunger for change, fear and loathing, bewilderment, angst
and unbridled sexual desire."

N.H. voters crushed in primary stampede

By John Breneman

Some election analysts predict a low turnout in today’s first-in-the-nation
primary, saying voters in New Hampshire are so physically
and intellectually battered by round-the-clock campaigning
that many may lack the strength just to drag themselves to
the polls.

"Wes Clark’s people called me 14 times last night. I
couldn’t get any sleep," said Reggie Sturdvoter, adding
that Howard Dean shook his hand so vigorously that the resulting
torn ligaments may prevent him from voting.

Several Portsmouth residents reported minor injuries from
being jostled amid boisterous factions of sign-waving campaigners
and one downtown resident said he sustained inner ear damage
from the nonstop howling and horn-honking just outside his
window.

Another factor that may affect turnout, pollsters say, is
the high number of prospective voters who’ve simply wandered
off the campaign trail in search of more peaceful terrain.
One such man didn’t get very far.

"I tried heading for the high country, but John Kerry
cut me off on a Harley and asked if I thought he was cool
enough to beat Bush," said Hampton resident Archie Stump.

Many Granite State residents say they are eager to perform
their civic duty but are confused about who to vote for.

"I like that guy that yelled and squealed, but now they
say he’s no good cause he yelled and squealed," said
Chad Puncher of Exeter. "Maybe I should vote for that
cute young southern boy or that rich older fellow who says
he cares but looks like he doesn’t."

While the Democrats clash over who is best suited to knock
President Bush out of the White House, each campaign appeared
to share the view of a Kucinich spokesman who said, "We’re
confident that if we can just get enough people to stand on
the street corner waving signs, freezing their asses off and
yelling ‘Woooooo!’ at the top of their lungs, we’ll be able
to win this thing."

Kerry held a double-digit lead over Dean, but both men trailed
the 52 percent of voters who said the first-in-the-nation
primary is fun and everything but now wish the candidates,
their entourages and the media would just "shut up and
get the hell out of New Hampshire."

1-27-04

Jacko
takes Iowa

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson coasted to victory in the Iowa presidential
caucuses on Monday, receiving an avalanche of votes from citizens
left so numb by round-the-clock "Jacko" coverage
that when they got to the polling place his was the only name
they could think of.

The result surprised pollsters who predicted that, despite
an 11th-hour endorsement by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan,
the embattled entertainer would finish no better than sixth.

"Voters want a candidate who can capture their imagination,"
said pundit Johnnie Cochran. "Now those other guys are
boring, dull. But you take just one look at Michael and your
imagination is working overtime."

Political analysts said Jackson’s failure to make a single
live appearance in Iowa didn’t hurt him because his image
could be seen on TV approximately five hours a day. No candidate
could match Jackson’s grassroots organization, those millions
of followers throughout the world who demonstrate cult-like
allegiance to the spooky, mask-faced King of Pop.

Jackson also enjoys strong support among middle-class Iowa
voters, who appreciate his lunch-bucket work ethic and his
decision to turn Caucasian. Conventional wisdom says the victory
catapults Jackson into front-runner status heading into the
Jan. 27 primary in New Hampshire.

In other election news: Democratic contender Wesley Clark
got a jump on his New Hampshire primary rivals by proclaiming
himself a big fan of the Super Bowl-bound New England Patriots
football team.

"I was rooting for the Pats way back last week when
those other guys were pretending to like the University of
Iowa basketball team," said Clark, who dressed himself
up in a Patriots jacket, hat and Lawyer Milloy jersey to watch
Sunday’s AFC championship game at a bar in Sunapee, N.H.

"I’m a patriot, too," the retired general said
as he pretended to take a realistic blue-collar swig of Samuel
Adams beer.

1-20-04

White House janitor pens tell-all book

By John Breneman

Longtime White House janitor Dusty Flores has written a new
book with shocking "inside dirt" about the goings-on
at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Flores, fired in a December 2002 shakeup of the White House
custodial team, said he wrote the book to call attention to
the fact that President Bush is "kind of a numbskull
who gets crumbs all over his desk."

The man formerly in charge of emptying the circular file
at the Oval Office said he could no longer remain silent about
President Bush’s habit of soiling sensitive documents with
bright orange Doritos residue. Or the president’s incessant
humming and doodling during sessions with his top-level advisers.

"Now I’m no brain scientist," said Flores, "but
during these Cabinet meetings Bush would just sit there grinning
like a monkey, munching a box of Animal Crackers. The only
questions he’d ask would be like: ‘What’s a deficit?’ and
‘When can I wear the Top Gun suit again?’"

In an interview with "60 Minutes" set to air on
Sunday, Flores told Andy Rooney that when the president was
called upon to make a difficult decision, he would often disappear
into the bathroom with the Sports page and not come out for
30-40 minutes.

Flores said "national security" prevents him from
revealing much more about the outcome of these private deliberations,
"but let’s just say I kept a lot of Glade lemon-scented
air fresheners handy."

The book also airs dirty laundry about overnight guests in
the Lincoln Bedroom, including which ones swiped the scented
soaps and monogrammed towels.

1-12-04

The Bush administration cleverly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into one of its two left feet this week with its decision to exclude France, Germany, Russia and other nations from $18.6 billion in U.S. funds to rebuild Iraq.

President Bush explained Thursday that only
those nations that “risked lives” in his ill-advised
personal crusade to crush Saddam Hussein would be eligible
for U.S.-financed reconstruction contracts.

“American taxpayers are getting screwed
in this deal so it is only fair that we also stick it
to any nation that was not part of the ‘coalition of the
willing’,” said the president.

“Besides, I¹ve already promised
most of that money to my pals.”
It is widely believed that the bulk of the Iraqi reconstruction
bonanza will be awarded to politically connected U.S.
megacompanies favored by the president and his cronies.

Competitive bidding may not even be needed,
Bush explained, because “the courageous corporate
warriors at Halliburton and Bechtel risked their lives”
to produce outrageously inflated estimates of what they
will charge to rebuild Iraq’s electric, communications,
transportation and oil industries.

In keeping with his extraordinary capacity
for general cluelessness, the president did not appear
at all fazed that his administration was simultaneously
asking “those chicken-shit countries that didn’t
send their guys to be killed” to write off billions
in debts owed to them by Iraq.

The Pentagon list of who’s been naughty
and nice also freezes out Canada, while insuring that
key U.S. allies like Eritrea, Albania and Uganda will
reap up to a couple thousands bucks each.

“What a dipshit,” Russian President
Vladimir V. Putin said of Bush. “That guy is number
than a hake,” agreed Chancellor Gerhard Schröder
of Germany. “Mon dieu,” said French President
Jacques Chirac. “Monsieur W. is, how you say, an
imbecile.”

Foreign policy analysts say the fact that
France, Germany and Russia are outraged by the Pentagon
decision fits well with the administration’s strategy
of accidentally fomenting anti-American sentiment throughout
the world.

Dukes of Hazzard support Dean

By John
Breneman

The fabled "Dukes of
Hazzard" endorsed Democratic presidential candidate
Howard Dean today, responding to Dean’s recent comment
that he wants to be "the candidate for guys with
Confederate flags in their pickup trucks."

Support from Southern icons
Bo and Luke Duke was welcome news for Dean, who sparked
a controversy with his casual mention of the banner that
symbolizes the repression and enslavement of African-Americans.

The former Vermont governor
was in full damage control mode today, saying what he
really meant was that he wants to be "the candidate
for guys who drink shots of Jack Daniels out of Dixie
cups."

The incident forced the Dean
camp to address criticism of racial insensitivity. Newly
hired spokesman Kunta Kinte III said Dean subsisted on
a diet of chitlins and collard greens while putting himself
through medical school and is a big fan of the TV sitcom
"Whoopi."

The Dukes said the moment they
heard Dean might need their help they hopped through the
busted-out windows of the General Lee — their famed 1969
Dodge Charger with a Confederate flag painted on top —
and hit the gas, spitting up dust and getting the needle
up to 135 mph on their way to Vermont.

New poll numbers released today
show Dean running well ahead of his rivals in pivotal
Hazzard County now that the Dukes have pledged to help
him "get that greedy Boss Hogg out of the White House."

11-07-03

President says he won’t rule out using

military force to squash Democrats

By John Breneman

(Nov.
4, 2003)   WASHINGTON — With his poll numbers slipping,
President Bush said today he would not rule out using military
force if he feels any of the Democratic candidates poses a
significant threat to U.S. interests.

The president said he has evidence that retired Gen. Wesley
Clark and other Democratic contenders may be stockpiling chemical
and biological weapons in their campaign warchests. Further,
Bush said, the British government has documents purporting
to show that Sen. John Kerry attempted to purchase uranium
"yellow cake" from Niger.

"You’re either with us or you’re a terrorist,"
said Bush, who claimed to possess some "darn good intelligence"
revealing that each Democratic candidate opposes both the
president and his policies. Bush said he has learned that
Howard Dean and Joe Lieberman have ties to al Qaeda and that
Al Sharpton once invited Saddam Hussein and his sons to a
P. Diddy concert.

If the Democrats persist in criticizing the war in Iraq,
the president said he will have no choice but to "give
’em a taste of heavy artillery." Asked what types of
offenses might warrant a military response, Bush said he would
only consider deploying troops if the Democrats continue to
whine about U.S. casualties in Iraq and the need to seek help
from the international community.

The president’s mother, Barbara Bush, who recently called
the field of Democratic contenders "a pretty sorry group,"
said she stands prepared to use even harsher language "if
those pathetic liberal jackasses don’t stop harassing my Georgie."

Bush stopped short of issuing a formal declaration of war
against his rivals, but assured the American people that he
would not hesitate to use some of his favorite "nuke-u-lar
weapons" to defeat the menacing Democratic "axis
of evil."

Brother can you
spare a euro?

Europe has erupted in euro
euphoria. After years of euro-planning, the people across the
pond have finally got their hands on that new unified currency
you’ve been hearing about – the euro.

Spain, France, Germany and
the gang are now awash in an unfamiliar rainbow of pretty pastel
bank notes and bright jingly doubloons.

All the fashionable European
countries are doing it. Italy, Greece, Austria. They’re loving
the euro in Luxembourg. They’re mad for it in Madagascar. No
wait, that’s Africa (conversion table: 1.32 euros = 1 afro).

The euro is worth a little
less than a buck (about 90 cents) and some say it looks like
Monopoly money. (The back side of the 50-euro note features
a portrait of the Greek philosopher Socrates wearing a top hat
and monocle.)

In fact, the Associated
Press reported that on Jan. 1 a customer at a bar in southern
France bought himself a drink using a Monopoly bill from the
game’s European edition.

So they’re still working
out a few bugs. For example, right now it costs 0.62 euros for
a can of Coke in Copenhagen, but 150 euros for a Mountain Dew
in Dusseldorf.
There have been scattered reports of people accidentally tossing
the unfamiliar eurocash into the eurotrash. And a high-profile
PR campaign cautions: "Don’t take any wooden euros."

Meanwhile, economic analyst
Frank Drachma is advising U.S. consumers to pay no attention
to the advent of the euro, which will be largely ignored here
in the land of the almighty dollar.

John Breneman
1-6-02