'Friends' cameo may boost president's approval rating

By John Breneman

Convinced that TV can reverse his sagging approval rating, President Bush's handlers have arranged for Sunday's unusual appearance on "Meet the Press" to be followed this Thursday by a surprise cameo on "Friends."

Eager to help the amiable chief executive, Ross uses his scientific knowledge to offer theories on what became of the weapons of mass destruction while Chandler quips that Saddam Hussein either flushed them down the toilet during a U.S. raid or "his dog ate them."

Bush's approval mark dipped to 48 percent this week as more people realized they don't appreciate it when their president tells them something as "fact" (Iraq's possession of weapons) that is actually a "load of crap."

The president, also dogged by his sketchy record of service in the National Guard, could gain a 7-8 percent bump in the polls if he did a guest spot on "JAG" outfitted in, say, a military flightsuit. This idea from his chief TV adviser was one of several detailed in a confidential memo obtained by the Humor Gazette.

Bush has been asked to appear on "Hardball with Chris Matthews," but the memo advises he is better suited to "Softball with Larry King." The president will avoid "This Week With George Stephanopoulos" in favor of some voter-friendly mugging on "This Week With George Foreman." The memo also reveals Bush ordered his aides not to book him on "Face the Damn Nation."

White House advisers even strategized about a reality show but agreed they didn't want Bush anywhere near Donald Trump. Discussions of a new program called "Joe President," in which a failed businessman from a prominent political family ruins the U.S. economy and turns much of the world against America, were quickly scuttled.

Nation gripped by boob scandal

USA! Janet Jackson may be sued in U.S. District Court for showing too much skin.

By John Breneman

Widely criticized as an "imminent threat" to the nation's perversely hypocritical sense of morality, Janet Jackson will not appear on CBS's Sunday night telecast of the Grammy Awards, even though her right breast was up for an award in the Best Nude Artist category.

Or maybe she will appear. TV's talking heads couldn't reach consensus at presstime. One source says Jackson will perform, flanked by a team of attorneys, in a booty-shaking pre-trial response to the obscenely ridiculous class-action lawsuit being filed against her.

The American people were "seriously injured" by Ms. Jackson's "sexually explicit conduct" at the Super Bowl, according to a Tennessee woman who is seeking billions in compensatory and punitive damages. Legal analysts say the case could help keep the networks safe for commercials about sex pills and scantily clad women peddling beer.

Justin Timberlake, Jackson's partner in her infamous Super Bowl soft porn episode, is nominated for multiple awards and at presstime was scheduled to perform his hit song "I Wanna Rip Your Clothes Off."

However, the Federal Communications Commission has warned him he may not disrobe anyone or whip out his "unit," no matter how tiny it may be. Timberlake plans to make the most of the creative restrictions, perhaps bumping and grinding on stage with his FCC chaperone.

CBS will use a tape delay system to censor any offending video or audio. But to be safe, the network has provided all participants with a list of taboo words and actions. In addition to profanity, performers and presenters must not say the words "butt-munch," "fiddlesticks" or "federal deficit." Also prohibited are the terms "nipple," "milk jug" and "musical integrity."

Topping the list of banned actions: same-sex kisses and fornication (simulated or real), grabbing a crotch other than one's own and lip-synching near another person's "private area."

This is not sitting well with some artists. A spokesman for celebrity couple Ashton Kutcher and P. Diddy said the media lovebirds are concerned they won't be allowed to fondle each other's egos on stage.

Nipple ripple effects: In related news, NBC cut a scene from the drama "E.R." that featured an 80-year-old woman receiving an emergency boob job and ABC reportedly has yanked a special called "America's Most Titillating Cleavage Videos."