Easter
Bunny detained

By John Breneman

U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor
deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about
a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation’s
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday.

But sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim
he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in
Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52
million counts of contributing to the obesity of a minor.

The alleged incarceration of the Easter Bunny (aka Peter
Cotton-Tail) has already become politicized. Critics charge
that the Bush administration was slow to guard against the
threat that gut-busting quantities of chocolate might be deployed,
on a sacred religious holiday no less, despite a March 6 Presidential
Daily Briefing (PDB) entitled "Easter Bunny determined
to strike in U.S."

"We should have been on pastel alert," said White
House heckler Adolf W. Bush. "The president should have
been more vigilant about the national obesity epidemic that
makes our soft underbelly particularly vulnerable to, say,
a giant milk chocolate rabbit, fistfuls
of jelly beans or
a gaggle of glistening marshmallow peeps."

But National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice appeared on
Oprah, Regis and Saturday Night Live to defend the president,
saying, "No one could have imagined terrorists using
candy as a weapon."

Rice admitted there was some heightened chatter in the months
leading up to Easter, but most of it non-specific fragments
like "Hippity hop bunny trail," "dye, eggs,
dye" and "mother of all chocolate Jesuses."

Santa
eyed for Cabinet post
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar

Pope
suffers pulled hamstring

By John Breneman

Pope John Paul II, whose ongoing health woes have sidelined
him for the services leading up to Easter this Sunday, received
more bad news on Good Friday. Sources say the pontiff suffered
a pulled hamstring while sprinting down the first-base line
to beat out a drag bunt during a spirited game of whiffle
ball.

The 84-year-old pontiff, who also suffers from Parkinson’s
disease and severe arthritis and is still recuperating from
recent throat surgery, is widely considered the most durable
pope of all time.

As one of God’s highest-ranking representatives here on earth,
Pope John Paul has inspired billions during his 26-year papal
career with his spiritually, his beneficence and his courageous
refusal to let health woes and even a 1981 assassination attempt
impede him from his work blessing the Lord’s wayward creatures.
He has twice been named "Sexiest Pontiff Alive"
by Papal Magazine.

In addition to his recent health struggles, sources say the
pope has not yet fully recovered from the World Series defeat
suffered last fall by his favorite team, the St. Louis Cardinals.

Related story:
Pope
John Paul a perennial contender for United Nations "Best
Hat" award

U.S.
bombs Iraq in geopolitical hoop tourney

By
John Breneman

Heavily favored America unleashed a barrage of three-point
bombs midway through the fourth quarter to claim a decisive
victory over University of Iraq-Baghdad and advance to the
next round of the annual March Madness geopolitical showdown.

When America deployed its vaunted "shock and awe"
offense to seize a huge first-quarter lead, sources say President
Bush became so excited that he yelled "Mission Accomplished"
and nearly choked on a pretzel. But the scrappy insurgents
battled back using their home-court advantage to mount an
improvised explosive attack that critics said caught the U.S.
completely off guard.

Early in the third quarter the U.S. was charged with several
flagrant fouls for its controversial Abu Ghraib strategy,
and for a moment it seemed the team might be haunted by predictions
of an easy win and assistant coach George Tenet’s ill-advised
talk of a "slam dunk."

But America’s superior firepower, defense and human rights
record ultimately carried the day. Some analysts even described
the contest as anticlimactic when it became clear that the
underdog Iraqis never actually possessed the advanced offensive
weapons that were the subject of much pre-game hype.

The
U.S. now takes aim at its next opponent, either the feisty
Syria State Hezballers or the dangerous and unpredictable
Commie Rebels of Southeast North Korea Tech.

America opened the tournament by crushing the Fighting Cavemen
of Central Afghanistan U. before moving on to hard-fought
wins over perennial ACC champion Nuke and longtime rival Totalitarian
State.

Other winners in yesterday’s quarterfinal-round action include
the Vatican State Cardinals, the Non-Fighting Frogs of l’Universite
de France, the Tehran State-sponsored Terrorists and this
year’s Cinderella story, the brave Tsunami Men of Indonesia
A&M.

Saddam Hussein seeking work as a
media pundit

Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid
probe

By
John Breneman

Noted superhero The
Incredible Hulk has been subpoenaed to testify before
a congressional committee investigating steroid
use among athletes and entertainers.

Attorneys for the comic
book icon — best known for his bright green skin,
bulging musculature and brooding, surly disposition — say
they have encouraged their client to cooperate with the panel
but warned that harsh questioning might trigger his legendarily
explosive temper.

Related story: Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush

The Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances,
attributing his overdeveloped physique to a "laboratory
accident" involving exposure to "gamma
rays." But sources say Captain
America will testify that he once injected the Hulk’s
buttocks with a substance called Mutant Growth Hormone.

The chairman of the House panel conducting the hearings questioned
the Hulk’s credibility, pointing out that he exhibits many
of the classic signs of steroid abuse, including unusual skin
conditions, cartoonesque brawn and volatile mood swings sometimes
called "roid rage."

"Mr. Hulk is admired as a role model by many children
and his failure to come clean sends the wrong message,"
said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Virginia. "We don’t want impressionable
young kids thinking it’s cool to go around smashing in people’s
skulls and flipping over automobiles."

The House panel is calling for a strict policy designed to
end steroid use among comic book heroes. Superman
could not be reached for comment.

Steroids infiltrating
Washington, Wall Street
Santa
Claus denies use of performance-enhancing drugs

Humor Gazette anthrax reporter John Breneman fears anthrax has infiltrated his syntax.

Going postal over anthrax

By John Breneman

Run for your lives! Anthrax is back!

You remember anthrax: "Powdery poison slays five in
mysterious postal attacks."

That was in late 2001, when the microscopic pathogen was
all the rage. All day long it was anthrax, anthrax, anthrax.
Round-the-clock coverage on CNN, FOX News and C-SPANTHRAX.

Talk of the toxin took over our airwaves with non-stop reports
of the horrible spore, a heady mix of fear-mongering AND facts.
America’s short attention spanthrax was overwhelmed with anthrax.

The word was drilled so deep into our brains that I became
virulently anti-anthrax. It even infected my syntax.

We never found out if it was sent by the evil Talibanthrax,
way over in Afghanistanthrax, or whether it was an inside
job pulled by some mad scientist or a white powder supremacist
from the Ku Klux Klanthrax.

I hated that raggedy anthrax. It was out there lurking in
our mail sacks. We knew it could turn up anywhere — from sea
to sea, from the Rockies to the Adirondacks.

Way smaller than Tic Tacs, it could be hidden in backpacks
and knapsacks, smuggled in sedans or late-model hatchbacks.

I
was scared of the sugar on my morning stack of flapjacks,
paranoid I’d be poisoned by my Post Raisin Branthrax. What
if the terrorists planted a lethal surprise in some poor kid’s
Crackerjacks?

The media fed us countless angles on the anthrax maniacs.
Could they slip through security cracks and make weapons of
smokestacks? Could they contaminate the economy, devalue our
greenbacks? What if it ransacks our Dows and our NASDAQs?

But the anthrax probe hit a big anticlimax and vanished from TV, another media flash-in-the-panthrax.

Now, just as you thought it was safe to relax, comes news
of a possible anthrax relapse. Is it a false alarm or a threat
of real harm? I’m hyped up to see how the media reacts.

I’ve never been one of those hypochondriacs, but now I’ve
got this itchy spot on my thorax. I’m worried my homeland
security is lax; yesterday I thought I saw white powder on
my tan slacks.

So I’m irradiating my mail and turning my angst into
wisecracks.

In case you missed Parade magazine’s
annual
"What People Earn" report in your Sunday paper,

here is a Humor Gazette version:

George W. Bush, war president, $7.7 trillion national debt / Lindsay Lohan, pop tart, $10 million / Donald Trump, Hair Club for Men president/client, $100 million / J. Christ, savior, $0 / Marty Kurdkiller, genocidal maniac, assets frozen / Barry Bonds, baseball ballplayer, $18 million

John Smith, cave explorer, $10 million / Don Imus, cantankerous media curmudgeon, $4.5 million / Pamela Anderson, professional set of tits, $2.6 million / Speed Racer, NASCAR dad, $2.1 million / Darwin Charles, simian rights attorney, $180,000 / Michael Jackson, alleged molester, $600 million

Rush Limbaugh, right-wing stooge, $2.5 million / Martha Stewart, license plate maker, $80 million / Mo Cudhoffey, airport security, $18,000 / Reid Page, Humor Gazette news anchor, $200,000 / "Condi," exotic dancer, $600,000 plus tips / Howard Dean, former presidential candidate, minus $1.2 million

Rather goes out in a blaze of … courage?

By
John Breneman

Ironic that Dan Rather, whose most colorful Ratherism involved
"walking through a furnace in a gasoline suit,"
saw his career end in a crackling hickory fire of self-immolation.

Rather goes down as a trailblazer in the age of media superstars
projecting themselves into the story, a shoot-from-the-hip
anchor who went gunning for his own version of Watergate and
wound up with Rathergate. The reporter who famously talked
trash with Nixon got burned when he dug for dirt on
Bush.

In retrospect, he didn’t need documents as phony as a Michael
Jackson’s nose to make the point that President Bush’s National
Guard record is lamer than a three-legged armadillo.

Rather survived his stint as a war correspondent in Vietnam
only to be done in decades later by friendly fire, his career
killed by his own carelessness. He took aim at the president,
but his bulletin missed its mark and buried itself deep in
his own foot.

This grave blunder left the anchorman with about as much
credibility as a president blowing hokum about weapons of
mass destruction.

When it became clear that the documentation behind his National
Guard story was shakier than cafeteria Jell-O, Rather forfeited
his status as one of the most powerful figures in the media
and became a lame-duck anchorman, as impotent as Bob Dole
without his Viagra. With the harsh glare of the media spotlight
now focused on him, Rather squirmed like a man wearing a too-small
bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.

The jam he created for himself was nasty enough to gag a
buzzard, but if you had to bet the double-wide you knew he’d
have some memorable words for the millions of viewers watching
his last broadcast of the CBS Evening News on Wednesday.

After all, this would be the final signoff from one of the
last of the old-time anchormen, those trusted figures welcomed
into America’s living room to deliver "the news"
before the news devolved into an infotainment byproduct distorted
by profit motives and political agendas.

Surely he wouldn’t use his pulpit to comment on the president’s
policy of spreading democracy like a boll weevil through a
cotton field. But perhaps we could expect some homespun words
of wisdom from the man who once observed — no one will ever
know why — that if a frog had side pockets he would carry
a handgun.

Instead, perhaps fitting in this age of short attention span
everything, Rather chose a one-word soundbite for his epitaph.
Courage.

And that’s the way it is: In a voice as earnest as Ted Baxter’s,
delivering a message more perplexing than profound, a once-revered
newsman hangs up the old gasoline suit and fades to black.

Related info:
Ratherbiased.com
Rathergate.com
Ratherisms
(compiled by Dan Kurtzman)

Syrian bread prices climb as tension mounts

By
John Breneman

Political unrest in Lebanon threatens to throw the world
Syrian bread market into a state of upheaval not seen since
the olive oil embargo of the early 1970s.

Syrian bread prices climbed sharply for the third straight
day amid heightening tension between Washington and Damascus
and international calls for a boost in output from OPEC (the
Organization of Pita Exporting Countries).

Hundreds of thousands of protesters poured into a downtown
square in Beirut on Tuesday, denouncing American baked goods
and shouting pro-Syrian bread slogans like "Tastes great
with tabouleh!" and "Less filling than bagels!"
The protest rally reportedly was organized by Hezbollah, a
militant Shiite Islamic group with ties to the Hummus terrorist
organization.

The White House has called for an immediate and full withdrawal
of Syrian troops from Lebanon, but sources say Syrian President
Bashar al-Assad is concerned this would leave Lebanon vulnerable
to a U.S. takeover of its vast Syrian bread reserves.

Bashar al-Assad, known for his love of ophthalmology and
crispy brick-oven pita, inherited the presidency from his
father Bashar H.W. al-Assad and now controls as much as 83%
of the world supply of Syrian bread.

President Bush, who recently went on record acknowledging
that you cannot "drill for Syrian bread," said it
is vital to U.S. interests that we not allow terrorists to
acquire unsecured stockpiles of pita.

CNN Middle East correspondent Baba Ghanouj characterized
U.S.-Syrian relations as "falafel."

Mad cows sent to anger management

By
John Breneman

To protect American consumers from a possible recurrence
of a deadly public health crisis, hundreds of mad cows are
being herded into anger management counseling.

"These cows must seek professional help to confront
their inner rage," said Dr. Milton Shepherd of the U.S.
Department of Agriculture. "Otherwise, millions of Americans
will never feel safe eating a hamburger or a juicy, steaming
bowl of Beef-a-Roni."

As health officials scramble to pinpoint the source of a couple slabs of tainted beef found in the Northwest, they are also quarantining all
pissed-off or angry-looking cows to make sure the disease
does not spread to other animals.

"If this mad cow situation is not contained quickly,
before we know it we could have a mad pony epidemic on our
hands," said Dr. Shepherd. "Not to mention mad chickens
and mad pigs. They say mad kittens are the worst."

Health officials are also busy separating fact from myth.

"Humans cannot contract crabs or camel toe by eating
tainted meat," said Dr. Fester N. Carcass of the Centers
for Disease Control. "And there is absolutely no connection
between mad cow and the monkeypox scare that swept the nation
in 2003."

Nevertheless, the public is being urged to remain vigilant
about animal-related medical conditions. "Just use common
sense," said Dr. Carcass. "Consult a physician if
you are feeling mousy, bird-brained or dog tired. And don’t
eat anything called Bovine Encephalitis casserole."