Stewart to be spared death penalty
By John Breneman
Now that she's finished taping the pilot of her new TV series
"Martha Stewart Living in the Big House," the infamous
domestic diva is busy filming an episode on jailhouse culinary
tips like 101 recipes for bread and water and how to bake
a decadent Chocolate Hacksaw Layer Cake.
An upcoming "Arms & Crafts" segment will feature
tips for polishing those tarnished brass knuckles, 101 uses
for a broken razor blade, and the highlight: Stewart showing
how to disable a bull-dyke prison guard with a crude but elegant
diamond-studded shiv. Also: how to turn a frilly pillow case
into a deadly weapon by filling it with soda cans and savagely
whipping it about like Sean Penn in "Bad Boys."
Convicted Friday on one count of fibbing to the feds and
three counts of being an obscenely rich bitch, Stewart, will
likely escape the death penalty, according to most of the
"legal analysts" called upon to dish out zesty TV
She is expected to do time, however, and the consensus is
this will send a message that people have no sympathy for
pretentious one-woman media conglomerates with a mean streak.
Other legal insights gained from the trial: It doesn't pay
to parade into court flaunting a handbag that costs more than
what most jurors earn in a year. And, the government is not
afraid to spend millions to try someone for a $50,000 stock
swindle if the defendant is famous enough to advance the careers
of all those involved.
Though critics have suggested the case against Stewart was
motivated by her celebrity status, prosecutors are deflecting
all such questions, including those involving book or movie
deals, to their agents.
The jury is still out on whether the verdict will harm her
career as a product pitch-woman, but Kmart today introduced
a new Martha Stewart line of stylish but affordable orange
Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall St.
Recent reports of a steroid epidemic in Major
League Baseball have spurred shocking allegations about widespread
use of performance-enhancing drugs among stock brokers, politicians
and TV news reporters.
"Half the brokers on the floor of the New
York Stock Exchange are juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione,
a retired Merrill Lynch financial analyst.
"Those guys are animals. Once I was about
to buy 5,000 shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7,
320-pound broker just slammed me to the floor to block my
deal," he said.
"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000
shares of MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's
goon -- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed,
'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine
Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being
heard from Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped
politicians and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes
because they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece
filibusters and legislative "smackdowns" are all
the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers are returning
from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional watchdogs
say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers are turning
to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative performance.
"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring
12 pieces of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to
147 bills in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from
diet and exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist.
"God help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."
notes: All eyes are on Giants slugger Barry Bonds
this spring as closes in on the all-time record for baseball's
Jason Giambi, chisel-chest first
baseman of the N.Y. Yankees, raised suspicions when he reported
for spring training a scrawny shadow of his former he-man
self. But the shrinkage had nothing to do with quitting steroids
now that the heat is on; Giambi explained that he lost the
weight by laying off those fattening peanut butter and Human
Growth Hormone sandwiches.
Just in case Giambi loses
power, the Yanks signed the Incredible Hulk to come
of the bench and play DH.
And finally, Jose Canseco,
the original poster boy for anabolic goodies, was cut by the
Dodgers because he flat-out stinks.
Col. Qadhafi goes 'ballistic'
Libyan crazy man Moammar Qadhafi has informed the United
Nations that he is "sick and tired of having my name
spelled 10 different ways."
Col. Gadhaffi, whose name is routinely spelled Kadhafi, Gadhdhafi,
Qadhafi, Khaddafi and countless other variations in press
reports, said he believes the spelling fiasco is part of a
western conspiracy to irritate him into "firing off a
bunch of nuclear bombs and maybe a little mustard gas."
Qadhafi, whose first name is also spelled Muammar, Mu'ammar
or Mohammar, is reportedly "going ballistic" over
In a letter addressed to "American President Jorge W.
Boosh," Kadhafi revealed that he is considering changing
his name to make it easier for the international media to
accurately write about him.
Among the possibilities he is reportedly mulling: Mo Hammer
Q. Daffy, Mojo McNasty and Mo Mr. Coffee. Also, Fred MacMurray.
Critics say Khaddafi hasn't been getting his name in the
paper as much lately with all the attention to Iraq, Afghanistan
and the Israeli-Palestinian crisis and is probably just trying
to drum up a little publicity.
Other heads of state in the news today:
A leaner, meaner Palestinian leader ... Yasser Arafat
is sporting a buff new physique and shilling his "Ara-Slim
Weight Loss Plan" in infomercials on Al-Jazeera TV.
Arafat, who offers diet advice like: "Eat nothing but
mortar dust for three weeks," has also released a rap
recording under his newly created Ara-Phat label.
Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan, accidentally
detonated a small nuclear device in his office yesterday.
Musharraf reported that he was "cleaning the weapon"
when all of a sudden it "just went off."
Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai is seeking U.S.
support for his plan to execute anyone who he thinks might
try to assassinate him. He is also considering banning the
consumption of Dinty Moore Beef Stew in his country.
Meanwhile, Chinese President Jiang Zemin has suffered
a pulled hamstring and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan
is thinking of getting a pony.
wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil
By John Breneman
And the winner for Best Actor in a Geopolitical Drama is
George W. Bush in "Master and Commander: The Middle
East Side of the World."
Bush, following in the tradition of the legendary Republican
thespian Ronald Reagan, beat out Donald Rumsfeld, nominated
for his portrayal of a bellicose Cabinet official who refuses
to let international objections and shaky intelligence stop
him from waging war in "Pirates of the Mediterranean:
Curse of the Black Oil."
Looking mischievously presidential in a double-breasted Giorgio
Armani tuxedo with a red, white and blue satin bowtie and
$20,000 Bruno Magli ostrich-skin cowboy boots, Bush started
by thanking his director, Dick Cheney.
"I'd also like to thank the Axis of Evil giving me this
opportunity to rid the world of terror," said Bush, who
went on to thank his costume designer for the snappy military
flightsuit he wore in the surreal "Mission Accomplished"
sequence and script consultant Clint Eastwood for such memorable
lines as "Bring 'em on," "smoke 'em out"
and "Either you are with us or you are with the terrorists."
Warning: Do not drift off to sleep while flipping between
the Oscars and CNN.
This Oscar moment brought to you by
the makers of Oscar Mayer bologna:
The annual Oscars pre-awards coverage consists primarily
of stars promenading along the red carpet and smiling while
a TV pinhead poses the obligatory "What are you wearing?"
query. But just once you wish the diva draped in designer
finery would tell the whole truth.
"Well my dress is by Versace. My face is by Dr. Sergio
Scalpelli and my botox is by SkinTech Pharmaceuticals. Oh,
and my cleavage is by Dr. Tripp L.D. Gazongas. He's the best."
the Movies: Jesus Christ, box-office superstar