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War
President George W. Bush
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 Bush
suffers from
Iraq-tile Dysfunction
(Jan. 2, 2006) President Bush may suffer
from a rare medical condition called Iraq-tile Dysfunction.
This according to an anonymous whistle-blower close to the
president's unit.
Symptoms are said to include limp oratory, feeble
rhetoric and droopy poll numbers.
"Some days you're trying like heck to nail
an insurgency but you feel like you're just shooting blanks,"
said former Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole. MORE
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Al
Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '06
 (Dec.
29, 2006) Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop
in revenues for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an
annual report released today assures shareholders that senior-level
executives remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover
of humanity. MORE
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Cheney
accidentally
detonates nuclear weapon
 (Feb.
14, 2006) Vice President Dick Cheney, already under fire
for failing to report that he shot a man in the face over
the weekend, is tight-lipped about a new report that he accidentally
set off a nuclear warhead in the Marshall Islands last week.
Sources say Cheney, a longtime weapons of mass destruction
enthusiast, was simply cleaning the launch mechanism when
the bomb suddenly went off. MORE
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Bush
fails second doping test
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Prez
eyes part-time job
 (Jan.
26, 2005) President Bush announced today he needs another
$80 billion to keep fighting his war in Iraq. But when critics
hammered him over where he expects America to come up with
that kind of cash, the president said he is thinking of getting
a part-time job. "Bein' president is hard work,"
said Bush. But he added that he's willing to pump gas or get
a paper route if it helps bring democracy to the whole wide
world. MORE
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George
W. woos Saudi prince
 (April
27, 2005) Holding hands with his special friend Prince
Abdullah, President Bush said today he tried everything to
get the bashful Saudi monarch to drop the price of oil --
from flowers and chocolates to butterfly kisses and promises
of geopolitical favors. But don't expect Bush's wooing to
pay off at the pump. Despite charming him with pickup truck
rides and brush-clearing lessons, sources say the president
couldn't even get to second base with the sexy Saudi. MORE
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The
oratorical stylings
of Pres. George W. Bush
(March 28, 2006) President Bush was feeling
chatty last week, rolling from Ohio to Washington to West
Virginia to riff about the elusive and bloody quest for Iraqi
democracy. MORE
This one appeared in the Boston Herald.
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Bush
as commander-in-cheek
 (April
5, 2006) "Heh heh." The president of the United
States cracks himself up. ... Watch how the master turns a
serious question about immigration reform into an opening
for a self-deprecating jab about what a moron he is. MORE
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Critics
praise President Bush's
'breathing space' for Iraq speech
(Jan. 15, 2007) President George W. Bush's
historic Jan. 10 call to send more young Americans to their
deaths in order to give the Iraqi government some "breathing
space" was yet another spellbinding piece of oratory.
MORE
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Critics
praise President Bush's
"I think about Iraq every day" speech
When future generations assess the legacy of
President George W. Bush, they will surely reflect on his
now-famous "I think about Iraq every day" speech
of June 20, 2005. MORE
President
tells nation, 'I'm sure something will pop into my head'
(April 14, 2004)
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Bush
stand-up routine
(Jan. 25, 2006) President Bush
warmed up the crowd for his talk about terror and 9/11 and
spying on Monday with a taste of his classic "Everybody
Loves W." standup routine. The president was on a roll.
In fact, the parenthetical reaction (Laughter) appears a rollicking
61 times in the official White House transcript. MORE
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Bush
received faulty intelligence from God
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Kerry
calls Bush gang
a 'lying posse of thugs'
John Kerry has
refused to apologize for calling the Bush Administration "the
most crooked … lying group I've ever seen." Kerry
did clarify his remarks, however, saying he was not referring
to the president himself, but rather "his posse of attack-machine
thugs and corrupt, economy-pillaging advisers."
Bush campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's
conduct "unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency,"
then added, "Just because the president accidentally
fibbed about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't mean
it's OK to go around calling him a lying sack of Shiite."
KERRY
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Bush
wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil
 And
the winner for Best Actor in a Geopolitical Drama is …
George W. Bush in "Master and Commander: The Middle East
Side of the World."
Bush, following in the tradition of the legendary
Republican thespian Ronald Reagan, beat out Donald Rumsfeld,
nominated for his portrayal of a bellicose Cabinet official
who refuses to let international objections and shaky intelligence
stop him from waging war in "Pirates of the Mediterranean:
Curse of the Black Oil." OSCAR
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Did
W. evade Boy Scout duty?
 New
allegations have emerged about President Bush's service in
uniform, this time over his record in the Boy Scouts of America.
Under fire about his time in the National Guard, Bush now
faces tough questions about several merit badges. SCOUTS
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Trump
tells Bush: 'You're fired'
 Donald
Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom today
to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of America Inc.
"You're fired." TRUMP
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Curious
George W. in Outer Space
 A
White House speechwriter who helped President Bush craft his
vision for rededicating America to space exploration said
today he is ecstatic the president took his advice not to
deliver the address wearing a NASA flightsuit and astronaut
helmet.
Bush on Wednesday outlined a plan to build a
permanent outpost on the lunar surface and to use it as a
base for manned expeditions to Mars. The speech writer, who
claims he also persuaded Bush not to joke that he is "itching
to explore Uranus," offered some insight into what prompted
the president's sudden interest in outer space.
SPACE
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Crash-test
dummies endorse Nader
 Ralph
Nader's controversial quest for the presidency received a
major boost today as the nation's crash-test dummies pledged
their silent support.
Nader, best known in political circles for helping
George W. Bush reach the White House in the 2000 election,
rose to prominence in the mid-1960s when his book "Unsafe
at Any Speed" led to new automobile safety laws.
"This president is a friggin' lemon,"
said Nader, invoking the terminology that made him almost
as much of a pariah in the automobile industry as he is now
among Democrats who believe his candidacy will help Bush gain
re-election.
NADER
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White
House smear campaign
targets Humor Gazette
The Bush administration moved to silence yet
another of its vocal critics today, mounting a smear campaign
against the Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper
that poked fun at the
president's ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb.
Donald Rumsfeld denounced the Gazette as a "subversive
left-wing laugh rag" whose editor is merely trying to
drum up publicity for his new book, "George W. Bush:
Behind the Smirk."
SMEAR
CAMPAIGN
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Writer
admits fabricating fake news
The Humor Gazette today accepted the resignation
of star reporter Arturo Dimanche after it was revealed the
five-time Pultzer Prize nominee fabricated his most sensational
fake news exclusives.
The revelation casts doubt on Dimanche's report
that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas flashed the Republicans
an "OK" sign before voting with the 5-4 majority
to give George W. Bush the 2000 election. Also now under suspicion,
his ominous August 2001 interview with Osama bin Laden's former
butler.
FAKE NEWS
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President
declares war on enviroment
President George W. Bush marked Earth Day on
Monday by declaring a national "War on Environmentalism."
Bush warned that the nation's petroleum-based economy is threatened
by underground cells of environmentalists who actually oppose
drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
"We're gonna smoke 'em out of their L.L.
Bean tents and get 'em running," Bush said of environmentalists,
adding that their leaders will be taken "dead or alive."
ENVIRONMENT
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Bush
threatens to use force on Democrats
(Nov. 4, 2003) WASHINGTON -- With his poll numbers
slipping, President Bush said today he would not rule out
using military force if he feels any of the Democratic candidates
poses a significant threat to U.S. interests.
The president said he has evidence that retired
Gen. Wesley Clark and other Democratic contenders may be stockpiling
chemical and biological weapons in their campaign warchests.
Further, Bush said, the British government has documents that
show Sen. John Kerry attempted to purchase uranium "yellow
cake" from Niger.
DEMOCRATS
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Bush vows
to stop 'Yankee madman'
 Citing
his brazen acquisition of the most powerful weapon in all
of baseball, President Bush today called New York Yankees
dictator George Steinbrenner an "imminent threat"
to America's national pastime. Bush said the only way to deal
with Steinbrenner, who shocked the nation this weekend by
adding Alex Rodriguez to his already devastating arsenal,
is to "take him out."
"Make no mistake, the Yankee madman now
has the capability to wipe out the hopes and dreams of entire
cities," said Bush, adding that a pre-emptive military
strike may be the only way to topple the Steinbrenner regime.
YANKEES
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Jabbar,
Ali take charge in Afghanistan
  The
United Nations has assembled a blue-ribbon task force to rebuild
bullet-riddled Afghanistan and there is encouraging fake news
on the diplomatic front. U.N. envoys have agreed to a transitional
post-Taliban administration headed by Muhammad Ali
and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
The delegates also have hammered out a plan
to establish a new Islamocratic form of government composed
of a democratically elected Senate and House of Mullahs. In
business news, Chrysler has announced plans for a string of
dealerships run by the popular Afghani car salesman "Crazy
Al" Qaeda.
AFGHANISTAN
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President
calls for citizens to exercise
(June 25, 2002) WASHINGTON -- Warning
that America has turned into a nation of "flabby lard-asses,"
President George W. Bush unveiled a national fitness initiative
on Saturday after leading White House staffers through a grueling
"Abs of Steel" video workout.
An estimated 60 percent of U.S. adults are overweight,
said the president, who challenged Americans to get 30 minutes
of exercise each day, whether it's running, walking the dog
or just spanking the monkey.
EXERCISE
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Bush cloned
by Dr. Gene Meddler
(Dec. 3, 2001) Scientists at the University
of South Berwick announced today they have successfully cloned
a multi-cell organism that bears a striking resemblance to
President George W. Bush. The president sharply criticized
the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong."
But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that
human cloning is "morally right." This according
to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
These startling imaginary developments come
just days after a Worcester, Mass., company announced for
real that it had become the first to clone a human embryo.
CLONING
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Wile
E. Coyote joins war on terror
 Osama
bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite Special Forces
unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according to an exclusive TV Guide
story by investigative reporter Clark Kent.
Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up
to the speedy bin Laden on a rock-strewn dirt road in Afghanistan,
but the mission was aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally
flattened himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive
terrorist. Pentagon sources confirm that Mr. Coyote is one
of several animated agents who have volunteered to help fight
for truth, justice and the American way.
WILE
E. COYOTE
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 Santa
eyed for Cabinet post
Striving to bring together the divided nation,
President George W. Bush is eyeing a universally respected
figure for a key Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated
reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary
discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.
Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily
for his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer,
has no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered
a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability
rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a
gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political
baggage.
SANTA
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Old Man
Bush beats son in sports
KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine - The stock market dropped
sharply yesterday when investors learned that President George
W. Bush was a little depressed after his weekend trip to the
majestic oceanfront Bush estate.
According to an inside source at the family
compound in Kennebunkport, George W. celebrated his 56th birthday
getting beaten at everything from badminton to bocce by his
gloating father, the original President George Bush.
"The president's ego really took a thrashing.
Frankly, I'm concerned about potential foreign policy implications,"
said Herb W. Bush, a local shrimp peddler who claims to be
the president's "fourth or fifth cousin twice removed."
BUSHES
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'Friends'
cameo to boost approval rating
Convinced that TV can reverse his sagging approval
rating, President Bush's handlers have arranged for Sunday's
unusual appearance on "Meet the Press" to be followed
this Thursday by a surprise cameo on "Friends."
Eager to help the amiable chief executive, Ross
uses his scientific knowledge to offer theories on what became
of the weapons of mass destruction while Chandler quips that
Saddam Hussein either flushed them down the toilet during
a U.S. raid or "his dog ate them."
Bush's approval mark dipped to 48 percent this
week as more people realized they don't appreciate it when
their president tells them something as "fact" (Iraq's
possession of weapons) that is actually a "load of crap."
FRIENDS
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Kerry
calls Bush gang a 'lying posse of thugs'
 John
Kerry has refused to apologize for calling the Bush Administration
"the most crooked … lying group I've ever seen."
Kerry did clarify his remarks, however, saying he was not referring
to the president himself, but rather "his posse of attack-machine
thugs and corrupt, economy-pillaging advisers."
Bush campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's
conduct "unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency,"
then added, "Just because the president accidentally fibbed
about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't mean it's OK to
go around calling him a lying sack of Shiite." KERRY
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