Hub fans bid curse adieu

By
John Breneman

Diamond rings the size of a baby’s fist. Fighter jets tearing
across the sky and soldiers in wheelchairs rolling across
the Fenway grass. A Red Sox championship banner billowing
from the Green Monster.

All of a sudden, 1918 doesn’t seem so long ago. Not when
Johnny
Pesky (circa 1942 Sox) is standing right there soaking
it all in with Dom
DiMaggio, Dewey
and Yaz
and the rest of us 35,000 lucky stiffs, all crammed into this
hallowed baseball artifact, swept up in the emotion of a shared
dream.

Everything is different this spring, right? The Sox made
history, choked the Yankees, broke the curse, swept the Cards
and made grown men cry. World champs. Aw yeah. It feels good.

What, you say the Yankees are back in town? OK, now that
another New England winter has frozen the exhilarating memories
of last October into Red Sox lore, it’s time to come out and
play once more. But first we have a couple small matters to
attend to.

You know, distributing gaudy and symbolic chunks of etched
gold. Singing songs to honor the glory of Red Sox past and
present. Unfurling gigantic World Series banners … in
your smug Yankee faces.

Or
cheering like idiots when the announcer calls out "Mariano
Rivera." You didn’t have to be at the park to
hear Fenway erupt with a standing O for the once-dominant
closer turned hapless tomato can.

"What can I say — just tip my hat and call the Red
Sox my daddy," Rivera said in my imaginary pre-game interview.
He scoffed at any suggestion that the tables have turned,
that perhaps now the Yankees will be haunted by the Curse
of the Splendid Splinter, and said, "Wake up Ted
Williams, I’ll drill him in the ah… frozen head
I guess."

We were almost done saluting our heroes of 2004, honoring
Red Sox warriors of games gone by and bidding farewell to
the ghost of Mr.
George Herman Ruth. Almost ready to ring in the new
year with an 8-1 Yankee spanking, a savory and immensely satisfying
Wakefield knuckle sandwich.

But wait, what first-ever Red Sox defending world champion
Opening Day extravaganza would be complete without a special
appearance by the president of Rwanda? From up in the bleachers
I couldn’t see whether or not President
Paul Kagame brought his mitt but it looked like he
had finally ditched Mitt Romney.

After three innings on the mound it was clear Wakefield
had stepped forward as one of the Yankees’ new daddies. Wake
had the Yanks shooting blanks with his 54 mph fistball and
his knee-buckling knuckler, leaving a breeze of whiffs and
nicks in his wake. After the game, Wakefield declined to comment
on his role on the 2016 Sox pitching staff.

Fans from around the region flocked to Fenway for the mind-expanding
’05 opener, high price of gasoline be damned. High price of
beer be damned too, while we’re on the topic. According to
my crude calculations, Sam Adams premium unleaded carries
a ballpark pump price of roughly $72 per gallon. (Psst, we
smuggled in our peanuts. My friend only paid a couple bucks
at the grocery store, but the nuts have an estimated Landsdowne
Street value of $50-$75.)

Yes, it is definitely good to sit in the Fenway bleachers
with a cold brewski while Tedy Bruschi of the three-time world
champion New England Patriots throws out the first pitch alongside
Richard Seymour, Bobby Orr and all-time undisputed ring king
Bill Russell.

The
true significance of what this all means to the generations
of people who have placed hope in something called the Red
Sox cannot be captured in words (though the Boston Herald
headline "Joy of Sox" comes close).

For me, it is all in the emotion of the thing. It’s the way
you feel when the Sox do it — when they battle back from
so far down and really finally do it — while you’re screaming
at the TV with your family and friends.

It might be that shiver you feel when the scoreboard on Opening
Day flashes a giant black-and-white of young Johnny
Pesky, looking like the kid Moonlight Graham in "Field
of Dreams." It might be remembering when your dad took
to that first game and there he was, Roberto
Clemente. Or Yaz.
Or Mickey.

I think loving the Red Sox — sorry, I mean the world champion
Red Sox — is all of that and much more. It’s a whole Zen,
Ken Burns, Pudge, Cooperstown, Cy Young, Tony C., Babe, 1918,
Impossible Dream kind of thing. You know what I mean.

Today’s story can also be found on the website of my new
employer, BostonHerald.com

Rev. Jesse Jackson mulls pope bid

By
John Breneman

Dissatisfied with the amount of attention he received by
poking his nose into the Michael Jackson and Teri Schiavo
media events, the Rev, Jesse Jackson is said to be talking
with his advisers about a possible campaign to become the
first black pope.

When informed that he can’t be pope because he is not Catholic,
Jackson reportedly became infuriated and vowed to "fight
the racism that oppresses non-Catholic, African-American adulterers
by saying they can’t be the Dalai Lama, an ayatollah, or even
pope."

A source close to Jackson’s massive ego said he formed an
exploratory committee after being encouraged to run by such
influential figures as P. Diddy, LaToya Jackson and the Rev.
Al Sharpton. Father Guido Sarducci has also thrown his full
support behind the "Jackson for Pontiff in 2005"
movement.

Jackson, who ran for president in 1984 and 1988, said his
qualifications for the Vatican position include his "brotherly
love for all mankind, even the Hymies" and a "God-given
ability to pontificate with the media."

"Plus, I gotta lotta words that rhyme with ‘pope’,"
said Jackson, 63. "Rope. Dope. Yeah, rope-a-dope like
Muhammad Ali. That pope could float like he’s beatified and
sting like a bee."

Political analysts speculate that since he has no realistic
chance to become pope, Jackson may just be angling for a Cabinet
position in the next papal administration, like Secretary
of Vatican Affairs or Under Secretary of Magniloquent Pomposity.

Humor us with this foolish questionnaire

In
order to better serve YOU, the reader, I have compiled this questionnaire
as part of my work in the cutting-edge field of humor column research.

My bosses are pressuring me to provide 8-10 percent more laughs
in each edition of the Humor Gazette. I’m hoping the data you provide
here will help me tap into the very marrow of the human funny bone.

The first 100 respondents will be eligible to win a gold-embossed
collector’s edition copy of my new best-seller – "Blah Blah
Blah, Etc." (Offer void in parts of South Berwick.) To ensure
optimum results, I must request that you please hold your laughter
until the end of this column.

Warning:
The following questions are "multiple choice," so respondents
will need a working knowledge of the "alphabet."

Questions
1. When is your favorite time to read humor columns?
A. During an intimate moment with a loved one.
B. While speeding down the freeway and chattering on the cell phone
in heavy traffic.
C. After the weekly liposuction treatment.
D. In those peaceful, solitary moments just before flushing.

2.
Do you prefer humor columns that are:
A. side-splitting
B. knee-slapping
C. rib-tickling
D. windpipe-constricting

3. What is your favorite snack to nibble on while reading humor
columns? (select up to 6)

• kippered herring
• tofu jerky
• lima bean pizza
• Meat Whiz
• refried chitlins
• Oysters Rockefeller
• Venezuelan caviar
• animal by-products
• Spam-flavored lollipops
• Tender Vittles
• Pepto-Bismol smoothies
• that nasty brown stuff that Grandma used to make

4. What is your current employment status?
A. pencil pusher
B. suit
C. dot-com geek
D. brown-collar slop jockey

5. What is your current family status?
A. single
B. double
C. disowned
D. married, divorced, remarried and living in squalor with 3.5 kids,
6.5 cats and an incontinent gerbil named Petey.

6. What is your current financial status?
A. mo’ money
B. no money
C. self-made pauper
D. assets not sufficient to maintain the lifestyle to which you
have become accustomed.

7. How much would you pay for this column if it was not provided
free as part of this fine newspaper Web site?
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B. a plug nickel
C. a red cent
D. $1.2 million

8. What are some of your favorite humor column topics? (select
up to six)
o society’s seamy underbelly
o squirrel terrorists
o philandering politicians
o humpbacked sperm whales
o humpbacked politicians
o porcelain fixtures
o the role of monkeys in U.S. foreign policy
o algebraic equations
o machine gun-wielding gnomes
o blonds
o Polish sausages
o the mating rituals of the indigenous North American loser.

9. What is your greatest fear?
A. fear itself
B. snakes
C. George W. Bush
D. missing an important final exam because you have no clothing

and can only run in slow-motion.

10. What is your favorite name to call those idiots who cut
you off in traffic?
A. idiot
B. @$*#% jackass
C. nincompoop
D. road rage victim

Congratulations. Now that you have completed the questionnaire,
you are eligible to enrich your life by reading the Humor Gazette
as often as you like. However, I know your time is at a premium
so before you just jump onto the bandwagon, I’m sure you’ll want
all the facts.

Consider:
? Humor Gazette columns offer
24 percent more insipid punch lines
than the other leading brand.

? Each week, we will print a generous
supply of comical words like "beancurd," "whimwham"
and "government."

? Special bonus columns will be peppered
with rib-splitting words like "putty," "angstrom
unit" and "Jello-brand gelatin."

? We also offer exclusive special
reports like "True Confessions of a Praying Mantis,"
"The Trouble With Genetically Engineered Raisins" and
"Youth Violence: Friend Or Foe?"

? And finally, this column has been
endorsed by groups as diverse as Physicians For
Social Repugnancy, Daughters of the Albanian Revolution and the
National Water Pistol Association.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is:
A. almost as funny as gangrene
B. a pathetic little man
C. a veritable comic juggernaut
D. no longer allowed to play with weapons of mass destruction.

John Breneman

Bin Laden hat trick won’t fool CIA

By
John Breneman

The CIA has announced a major break in the hunt for Osama
bin Laden. New intelligence indicates the wily terror kingpin
has ditched his traditional turban look in favor of a jaunty
straw hat he found at Wal-Mart.

The lanky hate-monger seems obsessed with his new chapeau
and "won’t leave the cave without it," according
to a source who said bin Laden is convinced the hat makes
him more attractive to "the ladies" (terrorist lingo
for "goats and camels").

The source added that bin Laden saw Martha Stewart’s release
from prison on TV and has lately been seen flouncing about
in a knit poncho.

Meanwhile, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has issued
a videotaped "news segment" for broadcast on local
stations. In the piece, several Arab-looking gentlemen reading
from scripts call bin Laden "a spineless scumbag"
and George W. Bush "the greatest guy ever."

In other news: A West Coast intelligence source says there
is emerging evidence that bin Laden was spotted in San Francisco
drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.

Related stories:
Bin Laden
releases latest tape on his own label    (April
19, 2004)

Gay
newlyweds Saddam and Osama adopted baby ape    (Oct.
28, 2003)

Jacko
reclaims control of media spotlight

By
John Breneman

After a brief tussle with Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul
II, embattled pop star Michael Jackson today reclaimed control
of the media spotlight with a videotaped message to the millions
around the globe in search of moral and spiritual guidance.

Sporting a sequined "Pope Rocks!" armband and appearing
next to a shrine festooned with pictures of Macauley Culkin,
Jackson issued a plea for world peace and heightened tolerance
of well-meaning albino pedophiles.

Jackson promised "the faithful" that he will be
acquitted of molestation charges and likened his suffering
to that of Pee-Wee Herman. He also shared his belief that
stem-cell research is "icky" and that the death
penalty should only be used to punish "meanies."

In other news, Jacko denied accepting kickbacks from the
United Nations oil-for-food program and danced around allegations
that he has flip-flopped on Social Security reform.

President ‘punked’ press, public with
Iraq gag

By John Breneman

President Bush today responded to a new report investigating
the bogus pre-war intelligence scam that led to war in Iraq
by admitting that the whole thing was nothing more than a
big prank.

"Gotcha. Heh-heh," Bush said to a slack-jawed pack
of media jackals assembled for the April 1 press conference.
"You been punk’d.
Heh-heh."

"The
whole weapons of mass destruction thing, the stuff about Saddam
being linked to al Qaeda… I mean we even had FOX News
telling people Iraq had to pay for Sept. 11. It was classic,"
said Bush, barely able to control his glee.

"And I couldn’t have done it without all you guys,"
Bush told the assembled media. "It was Rummy’s idea but
everybody was in on it Condi, Wolfie, Cheney, the whole gang.
Special thanks to the White House press corps. Everybody except
that Colin Powell guy, of course. We punk’d
him too."

"Uranium yellowcake, aluminum tubes; that was Condi.
And when George Tenet came up with that ‘Slam dunk’ bit, I
swear I thought Cheney was gonna have an aneurysm," Bush
snickered. "I’ve gotta take credit for ‘Mission Accomplished’
though. You had to love me in that flightsuit, right?"

The president said he almost blew the gag just over a year
ago on March 26 when he did a standup
routine at the Radio & Television Correspondents Association
annual dinner. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be here somewhere," the commander-in-cheek said
at the time, while showing a photograph of him looking under
a desk.

Despite some good-natured cajoling from the press, Bush said
the nation will have to wait until April 1, 2006, to learn
the punchline of his Social Security reform prank.

Related stories:

President
in-your-faced the nation    (April 14,
2004)

Rumsfeld
offers proof of link
between Saddam Hussein and … Rumsfeld

Much Abu
about nothing    (May 25, 2004)

Fistful
of Jelly Beans    (June 16, 2004)

Rebuilding
Afghanistan

More
Bush exclusives

Burger King intervenes in Schiavo case

By
John Breneman

A Florida man has been arrested for trying to bring Terri
Schiavo an Enormous
Omelet Sandwich, the controversial new 730-calorie
breakfast gut-buster from Burger King. The man, later identified
as Dagwood Bumstead, was blocked by a police officer, who
clubbed him to the ground and then consumed the massive blob
of food.

The new sandwich, which has drawn criticism from health advocates,
contains half a dozen eggs*, a brick of melted cheese*, and
two or three pounds of steak*, bacon*, sausage* and hog jowl*,
all served on a tasty bread-like bun.

A spokesman for the family pleaded with authorities to allow
Schiavo to have the sandwich, saying she had once confided
that if she ever went into a vegetative state for 15 years
AND a fast-food chain introduced a new product containing
more than two pounds of meat* and/or 400 milligrams of cholesterol
that she would want to try it.

House Majority Leader Tom
DeLay urged Congress to enact legislation giving federal
courts jurisdiction over fast-food, right-to-die cases and
President
Bush was awakened from his afternoon nap to be ready
to sign the bill into law.

* Product may contain up to 92 percent lard, wombat feces,
pus and pus by-products, partially hydrogenated cornhole oil
and/or human flesh.

* Also contains chicken beaks, e. coli, red dye #2, uranium
yellow cake, monosodium gluttonate and high fructose ass droppings.

* Not available in Ethiopia or The Sudan.

Related stories
Lose
up to 452 lbs. with Humor Gazette Diet    (Feb.
25, 2005)
Man sues
McDonalds for making him fat    (July
30, 2002)

Easter
Bunny detained

By John Breneman

U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor
deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about
a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation’s
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday.

But sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim
he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in
Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52
million counts of contributing to the obesity of a minor.

The alleged incarceration of the Easter Bunny (aka Peter
Cotton-Tail) has already become politicized. Critics charge
that the Bush administration was slow to guard against the
threat that gut-busting quantities of chocolate might be deployed,
on a sacred religious holiday no less, despite a March 6 Presidential
Daily Briefing (PDB) entitled "Easter Bunny determined
to strike in U.S."

"We should have been on pastel alert," said White
House heckler Adolf W. Bush. "The president should have
been more vigilant about the national obesity epidemic that
makes our soft underbelly particularly vulnerable to, say,
a giant milk chocolate rabbit, fistfuls
of jelly beans or
a gaggle of glistening marshmallow peeps."

But National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice appeared on
Oprah, Regis and Saturday Night Live to defend the president,
saying, "No one could have imagined terrorists using
candy as a weapon."

Rice admitted there was some heightened chatter in the months
leading up to Easter, but most of it non-specific fragments
like "Hippity hop bunny trail," "dye, eggs,
dye" and "mother of all chocolate Jesuses."

Santa
eyed for Cabinet post
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar

Pope
suffers pulled hamstring

By John Breneman

Pope John Paul II, whose ongoing health woes have sidelined
him for the services leading up to Easter this Sunday, received
more bad news on Good Friday. Sources say the pontiff suffered
a pulled hamstring while sprinting down the first-base line
to beat out a drag bunt during a spirited game of whiffle
ball.

The 84-year-old pontiff, who also suffers from Parkinson’s
disease and severe arthritis and is still recuperating from
recent throat surgery, is widely considered the most durable
pope of all time.

As one of God’s highest-ranking representatives here on earth,
Pope John Paul has inspired billions during his 26-year papal
career with his spiritually, his beneficence and his courageous
refusal to let health woes and even a 1981 assassination attempt
impede him from his work blessing the Lord’s wayward creatures.
He has twice been named "Sexiest Pontiff Alive"
by Papal Magazine.

In addition to his recent health struggles, sources say the
pope has not yet fully recovered from the World Series defeat
suffered last fall by his favorite team, the St. Louis Cardinals.

Related story:
Pope
John Paul a perennial contender for United Nations "Best
Hat" award

U.S.
bombs Iraq in geopolitical hoop tourney

By
John Breneman

Heavily favored America unleashed a barrage of three-point
bombs midway through the fourth quarter to claim a decisive
victory over University of Iraq-Baghdad and advance to the
next round of the annual March Madness geopolitical showdown.

When America deployed its vaunted "shock and awe"
offense to seize a huge first-quarter lead, sources say President
Bush became so excited that he yelled "Mission Accomplished"
and nearly choked on a pretzel. But the scrappy insurgents
battled back using their home-court advantage to mount an
improvised explosive attack that critics said caught the U.S.
completely off guard.

Early in the third quarter the U.S. was charged with several
flagrant fouls for its controversial Abu Ghraib strategy,
and for a moment it seemed the team might be haunted by predictions
of an easy win and assistant coach George Tenet’s ill-advised
talk of a "slam dunk."

But America’s superior firepower, defense and human rights
record ultimately carried the day. Some analysts even described
the contest as anticlimactic when it became clear that the
underdog Iraqis never actually possessed the advanced offensive
weapons that were the subject of much pre-game hype.

The
U.S. now takes aim at its next opponent, either the feisty
Syria State Hezballers or the dangerous and unpredictable
Commie Rebels of Southeast North Korea Tech.

America opened the tournament by crushing the Fighting Cavemen
of Central Afghanistan U. before moving on to hard-fought
wins over perennial ACC champion Nuke and longtime rival Totalitarian
State.

Other winners in yesterday’s quarterfinal-round action include
the Vatican State Cardinals, the Non-Fighting Frogs of l’Universite
de France, the Tehran State-sponsored Terrorists and this
year’s Cinderella story, the brave Tsunami Men of Indonesia
A&M.