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This Day in Revisionist History
May 17
On this day in 1792, 24 brokers invented the New York Stock
Exchange while during a drunken debate about how to make money
without actually doing anything.
On this day in 1875, the first Kentucky Derby was run at
Churchill Downs as Winston Churchill rode to victory on Hitler's
Mama.
On this day in 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court outlawed segregation
in public schools. Unfortunately the High Court did not outlaw
ignorant behavior by pin-headed bigots.
On this day in 1980, Mount St. Helens erupted in Washington.
The irritable volcano just got fed up dealing with centuries
of pent-up geothermal pressure and blew its stack.
Today's Birthdays:
Dennis Hopper, 68: actor-director, starred in "EZ Wider"
and "Hoosier Without a Cause."
Debra Winger, 49: actress, starred in "An Officer and
a Wingnut."
Bob Saget, 48: actor-comedian, star of "America's Unfunniest
TV Hosts."
Sugar Ray Leonard, 48: former pro face puncher.
Trent Reznor, 39: leader of the band Nine Inch Toenails.
May 16
On this day in 1929, the first Academy Awards were given
in Hollywood, with Best Picture going to the Charlie Chaplin
silent film "Little Tramp and Butt-Head."
On this day in 1946 Irving Berlin premiered his new musical,
"Annie Get Your Stun Gun."
On this day in 1981, singer Kim Carnes hit #1 with "Bette
Davis Eyeballs."
Today's Birthdays:
Henry Fonda (1905-1982): actor, played an angry French chef
in "Crepes of Wrath."
Liberace (1919-1987): flamboyant musician romantically linked
to the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Tori Spelling, 31: "actress," co-star of "Beverly
Hills 90210," lifelong resident of Beverly Hills 90210.
May 15
On this day in 1869, Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B.
Anthony formed the Woman Suffrage Association, demanding the
same rights enjoyed by men to vote, burp and scratch their
private parts.
On this day in 1811, paramilitary paramedics parachuted into
Paraguay which was paralyzed by public paranoia about paranormal
activity.
On this day in 1940, nylon stockings went on sale. Made by
du Pont using a substance called "Polymer 66," the
stockings were popular among fashionable ladies and bank robbers.
Today's Birthdays:
Dante Alighieri (1265-1321): poet, groundbreaking Italian
rapper, best known for his "Disco Inferno."
L. Frank Baum (1856-1919): author of "The Wizard of
Oz," died in 1919 due to complications from a spell cast
by the Wicked Witch of the West.
Pierre Curie (1859-1906): chemist, inventor of lemon-scented
flatulence.
Richard J. Daley (1902-1976): longtime Chicago mayor, holds
U.S. patent on "political machine."
Chazz Palminteri, 53: actor, wrote script for "A Bronx
Tale of Two Cities."
Lee Horsley (real name "Matt Houston"), 49: actor,
mustache victim.
May 14
On this day in 1804, the western frontier got wackier with
the start of the Jerry Lewis and Clark expedition.
On this day in 1878, chemist Robert Chesebrough trademarked
the word "Vaseline" for the petroleum jelly he invented,
after briefly flirting with the names "Napalm" and
"Scorch-O."
On this day in 1904, in St. Louis, the Olympic Games were
held in the United States for the first time. The U.S. won
gold by defeating heavily favored Madagascar in Australia-rules
cock-fighting.
Today's Birthdays:
Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (1686-1736): inventor of the mercury-filled
rectangular rectal thermometer.
Bobby Darin (1936-1973): singer, best known for "Smack
the Wife." Or was it "Mack the Knife"? Or was
it "Pack the Concealed Weapon"?
George Lucas, 60: movie director-producer, son of Bertha
and Darth Lucas.
Robert Zemeckis, 52: Oscar-winning filmmaker, directed Michael
Douglas and Kathleen Turner's replicants in "Romancing
the Clone."
David Byrne, 52: brilliant musician, inventor of the gigantic
suit.
Fabrice Morvan, 38: disgraced Milli Vanilli singer, making
a comeback as a rapper Milli Vanilli Ice.
May 13
On this day in 1639, Cardinal Richelieu of France
invented the table knife. The wily Cardinal also patented
a hydraulic Cheez Whiz delivery system and pioneered the use
of a seventh table fork to scratch hard-to-reach areas during
dessert.
On this day in 1992, astronaut Kathy Thornton became the
first mother to walk in space. Also during the mission, a
Pennsylvania praying mantis named Capt. Larva became the first
insect to defecate in space.
Today's Birthdays:
Joe Louis (1914-1981): boxing great, first pro athlete to
incorporate Cheez Whiz into his training and fitness regimen.
Beatrice Arthur, 78: actress, busted criminals as the star
of "Maude Squad."
Stevie Wonder, 54: singer, known for such hits as "Isn't
She (Butt) Ugly" and "You are the Moonshine of My
Life."
Dennis Rodman, 43: earned NBA All-Freak team honors while
starring for the Chicago Bull-Dikes and Detroit Pierced-Tongues.
May 7
On this day in 1189, Hamburg, Germany, became
a free city. Local citizens celebrated by grinding up a cow,
cooking it and serving it on buns.
On this day in 1824, Ludwig van Beethoven's Ninth Symphony
had its premiere in Vienna. Opening for Beethoven was the
popular 19th-century rock group Kaiser Napalm.
Today's Birthdays:
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (1840-1893): composer, hit #1 in
Russia in 1858 with "The Nutcracker."
Gary Cooper (1901-1961): actor, played young George Steinbrenner
in "The Pride of the Yankees."
Darren McGavin, 82: actor, starred in "A Christmas Story"
and its sequel, "A Kwanzaa Story."
Amy Heckerling, 50: filmmaker, "Fast Times at Ridgemont
Elementary School."
May 6
On this day in 1962, the USS Ethan Allen, a
nuclear submarine, test-fired a Polaris missile armed with
a nuclear warhead. The device misfired, leveling an Ethan
Allen furniture showroom and severely damaging a mahogany
armoire.
On this day in 1915, George Herman "Babe" Ruth
of the Boston Red Sox hit his first major league home run
in a game against the Yankees. Yep. Red Sox didn't bother
to keep him though. Nope.
Today's Birthdays:
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939): founder of psychoanalysis, inventor
of Freudian slips like accidentally saying "Penis"
instead of "Please pass the salt," or "pussy"
instead of "vagina."
Rudolph Valentino (1895-1926): actor, famous chick magnet.
Jimmy Stewart (1913-1993): actor, star of "It's a Wonderful
Life," The Wonderful Philadelphia Story" and "Wonderful
Rear Window."
Orson Welles (1915-1985): actor-director-producer of "Citizen
Cocaine."
Bob Seger, 59: singer, "Travellin' Mannequin."
George Clooney, 43: actor, played a groundskeeper preparing
for a hurricane in "The Perfect Storm Windows."
May 5
On this day in 1925, biology teacher John
Scopes was arrested for teaching the theory of evolution.
Scopes defended his right to teach the scientific truth about
human existence, that we are evolved from an advanced race
of simians from a distant galaxy.
On this day in 1961, Alan Shepard became the first U.S. astronaut
to travel in space. His flight included a brief encounter
with an advanced race of simians from a distant galaxy, which
he did not remember.
On this day in 2003, party animals everywhere smear each
other with mayonnaise to celebrate "Kitchen Cinco de
Mayo."
Today's Birthdays:
Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855): philosopher, espoused the theory
that human beings are evolved from simian spacemen.
Karl Marx (1818-1883): philosopher, author of screenplay
for "Communist Manifesto Fever."
Tyrone Power (1913-1958): actor, starred in of "Witness
for the Electrocution" and "American Guerilla in
Paris."
Tammy Wynette (1942-1998): singer, "Stand by Your Wig."
Michael Palin, 61: comedian, appeared nude in "The Full
Monty Python."
May 4
On this day in 1964, NBC debuted the African
soap opera "Another Third World."
On this day in 1494, Christopher Columbus discovered Jamaica,
where he made note in his journal of "a friendly man
called Rasta offering a most enjoyable tobacco."
On this day in 1932, Al Capone was jailed for tax evasion
after several other charges of triple murder and quadruple
manslaughter were mysteriously dropped.
Today's Birthdays:
Horace Mann (1796-1859): father of public education, author
of "Why Dunces Can't Read" and "Dyslexia: A
Fancy Word for Dunce."
Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993): actress, starred in "My
Fair Haiti" and "Breakfast at Billy Bob's."
George F. Will, 63: political columnist, won 1977 Pulitzer
prize for commentary entitled "Jimmy Carter is a Friggin'
Dunce."
May 3
On this day in 1971, National Public Radio began programming.
It's first broadcast was a 480-hour fund-raising and membership
marathon.
On this day in 1937, Margaret Mitchell was awarded a Pulitzer
Prize for her novel "Gone With the Wind." Frankly,
though, Clark Gable didn't give a damn.
On this day in 1765, the first U.S. medical school was founded
at what is now the University of Pennsylvania. The first class
offered was "Butchering a Cadaver 101."
Today's Birthdays:
Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527): statesman-writer, noted
16th-century ballbuster.
James Brown, 71: hardest-working drug-ravaged ex-con in show
business, hits include "Sexagenarian Machine" and
"Papa's Got a Brand New Pacemaker."
Engelbert Humperdinck, 68: singer, inventor of Engelbert
Humperdinck's Pumpernickel Bread.
Frankie Valli, 67: singer, hit the charts with "Can't
Take My Ass Off of You."
May 2
On this day in 1519, Leonardo Da Vinci, famed Renaissance-era
enaissance man, ate his last supper.
On this day in 1885, making its debut was a new magazine
for slobs, "Bad Housekeeping."
On this day in 1902, the first science fiction movie, George
Melies' "A Trip to the Moon," was released, inspiring
early SciFi classics like Charlie Chaplin's "Little Tramp
Meets Godzilla."
On this day in 1952, the first commercial jet airline passenger
flight took off from London to Johannesburg, South Africa.
The on-board snack was kippered herring and tea, and the in-flight
movie was "Little Tramp Meets Godzilla."
Today's Birthdays:
Catherine the Great (1729-1796): Russian empress, sister
of Catherine the So-So.
Bing Crosby (1903-1977): actor-crooner, memorable hits included
"Caucasian Christmas."
Benjamin M. Spock (1903-1998): noted Vulcan baby doctor.
Theodore Bikel, 80: singer-actor, starred in "My Fair
Vulcan" and "Shingler on the Roof."
David Beckham, 29: soccer player, likes to score.
May 1
On this day in 1916, the Chicago Herald became the first
paper to describe a new form of music as "jazz."
The paper that day also coined the terms "gangland slaying,"
"bullet-ridden corpse" and "junkie ho."
On this day in 1963, James W. Whittaker became the first
U.S. citizen to reach the top of Mt. Everest. As part of a
promotional deal Whittaker was photographed at the summit
wearing a cowboy hat and smoking a pack of Marlboros.
On this day in 1931, the Empire State Building was dedicated.
Dignitaries on hand included King Kong, wearing a custom tux
and diamond knuckle rings from Tiffany's.
Today's Birthdays:
"Calamity Jane" Burke (1852-1903): frontierswoman,
sister of Catastrophe Joan and Hysteria Hank.
Kate Smith (1909-1986), singer of "God Bless Antarctica."
Joseph Heller (1923-1999): author of "Catch-22."
Also wrote "Catch Herpes Simplex 10" and "Snatch-69."
Glenn Ford, 88: actor, starred in the controversial 1955
film "Blackboard Jungle Fever."
Judy Collins, 65: singer, best known for "Send in Bozo
the Clown."
April 30
On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as the first
U.S. president and his agent wisely cut him a deal to earn royalties
each time a town, street, elementary school or liquor store
was named after him.
On this day in 1803, America doubled its size when Thomas
Jefferson closed on the Louisiana Purchase, a "fixer-upper"
he bought from some French realtors for $15 million. The French
threw in a case of Bordeaux, a dozen baguettes and the Statue
of Liberty.
On this day in 1939, the New York World's Fair kicked off
with an exciting downtown marathon and a speech by scrappy
wheelchair division winner Franklin D. Roosevelt.
On this day in 1973, President Nixon announced the resignations
of top aides H.R. Puffenstuff and pork strategist Jimmy Dean.
Today's Birthdays:
Cloris Leachman, 74: actress, won Oscar for "The Last
Picture Show (Without Product Placement and Lucrative Commercial
Tie-ins)."
Willie Nelson, 71: soiled country icon, "The Long and
Winding Roadkill."
Jane Campion, 50: filmmaker, "The Piano" and "The
Piano 2: Name That Tune."
Kirsten Dunst, 22: actress, starred in "Little Women"
and "Little Spider-Women."
April 29
On this day in 1913, the zipper was patented by Gideon Sundbach
of Hoboken, N.J. Almost immediately, metropolitan hospitals
reported a sharp increase in penile contusions.
On this day in 1946, war criminal indictments were handed
down against several high-ranking Pokemon figures.
On this day in 1974, noted tape-recording hobbyist President
Nixon announced he was releasing a collection called "Tricky
Dick's Secret Love Tapes."
Today's Birthdays:
Duke Ellington (1899-1974): engorged pianist.
Jerry Seinfeld, 50: comedian, starred as standup comic Friedrich
Nietzsche in the nihilistic sitcom about nothing.
Daniel Day-Lewis, 47: actor, starred in "My Left Nut."
Michelle Pfeiffer, 46: actress, "The Fabulous Tammy
Faye Bakker Boys."
Uma Thurman, 34: actress, starred in Quentin Tarantino's
homage to orange juice, "Pulp Fiction."
April 28
On this day in 1993, the first "Take Your Daughters
to Work Day" took place in New York, but a similar event
turned tragic when seven people were killed by poisonous spiders
during "Take Your Tarantulas to Work Day."
On this day in 1789, sailors aboard H.M.S. Bounty mutinied
because they believed Capt. Bligh was holding out on their
daily rations of SPAM.
On this day in 1947, Thor Heyerdahl and six companions set
sail from Peru on the Kon-Tiki, a raft made of popsicle sticks.
Their rations included cherry popsicles, potato chips and
SPAM.
On this day in 1969, French President Charles de Gaulle resigned,
saying he wanted to spend more time perfecting his recipe
for Spam souffle.
Today's Birthdays:
James Monroe (1758-1831): U.S. president, author of the racy
and controversial Marilyn Monroe Doctrine.
Lionel Barrymore (1878-1954): actor, helluva partier, great
profile, nice granddaughter.
Saddam Hussein, 67: mustard gas enthusiast, noted henchman
of Satan.
Ann-Margret, 63: actress, portrayed Ann Marg-Rock on "The
Flintsones.".
Jay Leno, 54: millionaire wise-ass.
Penelope Cruz, 30: actress, hobbies include not cruising
with Tom Cruise.
April 27
On this day in 1521, Ferdinand Magellan was killed in the
Philippines by an irate swarm of tse-tse flies.
On this day in 1899, the first tuberculosis hospital operated
by the federal government opened in New Mexico, where it would
soon begin treating other maladies such as bucket foot, tummy
ache syndrome and curvature of the liver.
On this day in 1937, the nation's first Social Security checks
were distributed to help senior citizens buy prescription
prune juice.
Today's Birthdays:
Samuel F.B. Morse (1791-1872): inventor of -- --- .-. ...
. -.-. --- -.. .
Ulysses S. Grant (1822-1885): U.S. president, noted tomb
occupant.
Jack Klugman, 82: actor, played a sloppy alien in the Sc-Fi
sitcom "The Pod Couple."
Casey Kasem, 72: host of the rap show "America's Top
40-Ounce Malt Liquors."
Kate Pierson, 56: singer with The B-52's, hit the charts
with "Rock Lobster Thermidor."
Ace Frehley, 53: schlock musician with KISS.
April 26
On this day in 1607, Captain John Smith landed in Virginia
to found the first permanent English settlement in North America.
Authorities never learned "Smith's" real name.
On this day in 1819, the first U.S. Odd Fellows lodge was
established in Baltimore. Potential members were required
to prove they were in fact "Odd" by drinking a mug
of Quaker State motor oil and pledging allegiance to a freeze-fried
cockroach.
On this day in 1986, the Chernobyl nuclear plant explosion,
which killed at least 31 people and sent radioactivity into
the atmosphere, was caused by a doughnut-eating safety technician
named Homer Simpnofsky.
Today's Birthdays:
John James Audubon (1785-1851): naturalist-painter, raised
by bald eagles and blue jays.
Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951): philosopher, originator
of the theory that a guy can have a messed-up name and still
get chicks.
Anita Loos (1893-1981): writer, author of "Gentlemen
Prefer Fellatio."
Kevin James, 39: actor, played a lovable tranvestite in the
sitcom "Queen of Queens."
April 25
On this day in 1990, the Hubble telescope was deployed by
the space shuttle, but technical problems arose because scientists
forgot to take the lens cap off before launch.
On this day in 1719, "Robinson Crusoe" by Daniel
Defoe was published after being neatly typed up by Defoe's
trusty Girl Friday.
On this day in 1983, Soviet leader Yuri Andropov invited
Samantha Smith to Russia in response to her letter calling
for peace. But his dream of a romantic tryst with the spunky
Maine schoolgirl never materialized.
Today's Birthdays:
Guglielmo Marconi (1874-1937): invented the radio so he could
listen to baseball games on his porch.
Edward R. Murrow (1908-1965): famed newsman who horrified
radio listeners in 1958 with a fake World War III attack led
by "Hitler's uncle."
Ella Fitzgerald (1917-1996): legendary singer, teamed with
Dr. Seuss in the duet "Scat in the Hat."
Al Pacino, 64: actor, star of "Dog Day Afternoon Delight"
and "Scent of an Oscar."
Hank Azaria, 40: actor, performs the voice of the hapless
O.J. on the animated TV show "The Simpsons."
Renee Zellweger, 35: actress, played the love interest of
Ayatollah Khomeini (Jim Carrey) in the Middle Eastern comedy
"Me, Myself and Iran."
April 24
On this day in 1800, Congress established the Library of
Congress, right next door to the popular Pool Hall of Congress
and the Strip Club of Congress.
On this day in 1953, Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen
Elizabeth II, who accidentally sliced off a piece of the renowned
statesman's ear with her knighting sword.
On this day in 1970, China launched its first satellite,
enabling U.S. audiences to enjoy such popular Chinese TV programs
as "Mao and Mindy" and "The Six Million Dollar
Buddha."
On this day in 1990, the space shuttle Discovery lifted off
from Cape Canaveral carrying the funky $1.5 billion Hubble
Space Kaleidoscope.
Today's Birthdays:
Robert Penn Warren (1905-1989): nation's first official poet
laureate, won Pulitzer Prize for "All the King's Mental
Patients."
Shirley MacLaine, 70: actress, played a brainy southern belle
in "Steel Magna Cum Laudes."
Barbra Streisand, 62: actress-singer, played a religious
nut in "A Star is Born Again."
April 23
On this day in 1956, Elvis Presley performed for the first
time in Las Vegas, teaming with the legendary Winnie the Pooh
for a duet of the song "Teddy Bear"
On this day in 1985, the Coca Cola Company announced a change
in the recipe for Coke, promising "a pinch of crack in
every can."
On this day in 1996, an auction of the late Jacqueline Kennedy
Onassis' possessions at Sotheby's opened with a bidder paying
$14,000 for a chapstick.
Today's Birthdays:
William Shakespeare (1564-1616): international man of mystery,
author of "Orange Julius Caesar" and "A Midsummer
Night's Drive-by Shooting."
James Buchanan (1791-1868): voted worst U.S. president ever,
accidentally started a war with Togo in 1859.
Shirley Temple Black, 76: actress-diplomat who negotiated
important peace treaty between the U.S. and Togo.
Lee Majors, 64: actor, "The Six Million Dollar Has-Been."
David Birney, 64: actor, starred in the interracial comedy
"Bridget Loves Bernie Mac."
Judy Davis, 49: actress, starred in "Deconstructing
Harry Belafonte."
Valerie Bertinelli, 44: actress, noted Van Halen groupie.
April 22
On this day in 1509, Henry VIII ascended to the English throne
after beating his father, Henry VII, best-of-five in arm wrestling.
On this day in 1864, Congress approved stamping the phrase
"In God We Trust" on U.S. coins, replacing the previous
motto "Believe In God ... Or Else."
On this day in 1954, the Army-McCarthy hearings featured
Sen. Joseph McCarthy and his ventriloquist dummy, Charlie
McCarthy, charming audiences with their anti-Communist venom.
On this day in 1964, President Lyndon Johnson opened the
New York World's Fair by bungee jumping off the Empire State
Building.
On this day in 1970, millions of nutritionally unconscious
Americans celebrated the first Girth Day.
Today's Birthdays:
Vladimir Lenin (1870-1924): leader of the Russian Revolution,
founder of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team.
Yehudi Menuhin (1916-1999): violinist, leader of the classical
pop group Yehudi and the Blowfish.
Eddie Albert, 96: actor, starred in the macabre futuristic
barnyard comedy "Soylent Green Acres."
Charlotte Rae, 78: actress, starred as the maid opposite
Gary Coleman's wise-cracking brain injury victim in "Debilitating
Strokes."
Jack Nicholson, 68: actor, starred in "Five Cheesy Pizzas,"
"Germs of Endearment" and "A Few Good Wolfmen."
Peter Frampton, 54: singer, resurrected his career with the
double-album "Frampton Comes Back From the Dead."
April 21
On this day in 753 B.C., Rome was founded after its sprawling
site plan was approved by the planning board.
On this day in 1789, John Adams took the oath as the first
vice president, then began chanting to a crowd of supporters,
"We're number two! We're number two!"
On this day in 1918, Baron Manfred von Richthofen, the World
War I German flying ace known as the "Red Baron,"
was killed in a dogfight with Snoopy.
On this day in 1962, the Space Needle made its debut at the
World's Fair in Seattle, next to the 150-foot-tall Space Thimble.
Today's Birthdays:
Charlotte Bronte (1816-1855): novelist, author of "Me
Tarzan, You Jane Eyre."
Anthony Quinn (1915-2001): actor, star of "Zorba the
Geek" and "Zorba the Insurance Salesman."
Charles Grodin, 69: actor, starred in "The Heartburn
Kid" and "Midnight Pun."
Iggy Pop, 57: pop musician, best known for his smash hit
"Lust For Life Insurance."
Tony Danza, 53: actor, played "Tony" in one good
show and a bunch of lame ones.
Andie MacDowell, 46: actress, starred in "sex, lies
and 8-track tapes" and that one where those gophers rob
that bank, uh "Groundhog Day Afternoon."
April 20
On this day in 1836, the Territory of Wisconsin was established
by Congress, deriving its name from a Native American word
meaning "land of much cheese and cheese by-products."
On this day in 1934, 6-year-old Shirley Temple made her movie
debut, but passed out at the premiere from drinking too many
Shirley Temples.
On this day in 1968, Pierre Elliott Trudeau, upon being sworn
in as prime minister of Canada, pledged to put Shirley Temple
on the moon before the end of the decade.
On this day in 1972, the Apollo 16 lunar module landed on
the moon with Lt. Bojangles and Shirley Temple on board.
Today's Birthdays:
Marcus Aurelius (121-180): philosopher-Roman emperor, orgy
host, recreational skull crusher.
Adolf Hitler (1889-1945): Evil German dictator, favorite
Shirley Temple movie -- "Rebecca of Nazibrook Farm."
Ryan O'Neal, 63: actor, played a shiftless bootlegger in
"Paper Moonshine."
Jessica Lange, 55: actress romantically linked with King
Kong.
Denis Leary, 46: actor, star of the profane "Cigarettes
and Red Meat Workout Video."
Carmen Electra, 31: actress (real name -- Carmen Electrical-Socket).
April 19
On this day in 1933, the U.S went off the gold standard and
moved to a fool's gold-based economy.
On this day in 1775, the Revolutionary War broke out during
a U.S. vs. Britain hockey game when the Brits fired the "slapshot
heard 'round the world."
On this day in 1956, movie star Grace Kelly wed Prince Rainier
III of Monaco, then rented the honeymoon suite at the fabulous
Niagara Falls Motel 6.
On this day in 1991, Evander Holyfield beat George Foreman
to retain his title, but Foreman established a new record
for cheeseburgers consumed (12) during a sanctioned heavyweight
bout.
Today's Birthdays:
Jayne Mansfield (1933-1967): "actress," best known
for her "performances" in such films as "Attack
of the Giant Gozangas."
Dudley Moore (1935-2002): actor, played a cuddly alcoholic
trying to quit booze in "AArthur."
Elinor Donahue, 67: actress, starred in the controversial
1950s TV series "Father Knows Breast."
Tim Curry, 58: actor, starred as a transvestite boxing champion
in "The Rocky Balboa Picture Show."
Kate Hudson, 25: actress, starred in "How to Lose a
Gynecologist in 10 Days."
April 18
On this day in 1923, the first game was played in Yankee
Stadium, the grand ballpark dubbed "The House That Ruth
Buzzi Built."
On this day in 1985, Ted Turner filed for a hostile takeover
of Jane Fonda.
On this day in 1934, the first laundromat opened in Fort
Worth, Texas. Soon many Americans adopted this strange new
custom of washing their clothes instead of just letting them
decay and fall apart.
Today's Birthdays:
Clarence Darrow (1857-1938): lawyer; defended The Monkees
in the Scopes Monkey Trial in 1925.
Hayley Mills, 58: actress, starred in "The Parent Steel-Leg
Trap."
James Woods, 57: actor, starred as an ancient football coach
racing against the clock in "Any Given Sundial."
Rick Moranis, 50: actor, played a pimp in "Little Shop
of Whores."
Conan O'Barbarian, 41: hulking, brutally violent talk show
host.
Melissa Joan Hart, 28: actress, star of "Sabrina the
Teenage Wench."
April 17
On this day in 1492, the King and Queen of Spain hired Christopher
Columbus under a contract that promised him a bonus if he
accidentally discovered a New World.
On this day in 1900, the first American flag was raised in
Samoa, prompting confused natives to chant "why White
Devil fly pretty cloth on pole?"
On this day in 1961, a team of CIA-trained schoolgirls invaded
Cuba in a failed coup attempt called the Bay of Pigtails.
On this day in 1985, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled its
22-cent "LOVE" stamp, after rejecting proposals
for stamps emablazoned with "LUST," "SEX"
and "HATE."
Today's Birthdays:
J.P. Morgan (1837-1913): noted capitalist pig, founder of
U.S. Steal.
Thornton Wilder (1897-1975): Pulitzer Prize-winning author
of "Our Friggin' Town."
Don Kirshner, 70: creator of "The Monkees," series
pilot starred four apes but they were replaced by human actors
when they demanded to perform their own material.
Lela Rochon, 40: actress, played a frustrated woman planning
to gore her cheating boyfriend in "Waiting to Impale."
Liz Phair, 37: singer, best known for her paranormal album
"X-File In Guyville."
April 16
On this day in 1862, the District of Columbia outlawed slavery
but maintained the right of politicians to be slaves to special
interests.
On this day in 1935, "Fibber McGee and Molly" made
its radio debut, with Molly calling Fibber "a lying sack
of shiitake mushrooms."
On this day in 1949, Boxcar Willie started a nationwide whistle-stop
tour in his campaign for "Budweiser Hobo of the Year."
On this day in 1962, Walter Cronkite replaced Boxcar Willie
as anchorman of "The CBS Evening Blues."
On this day in 1996, Britain's Prince Andrew and Sarah, the
Duchess of York, announced they were divorcing on the grounds
that they were "sick and tired of looking at each other."
Today's Birthdays:
Wilbur Wright (1867-1912): co-inventor of the airplane, the
air conditioner, the air rifle and the Air Wilbur line of
basketball shoes.
Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977): comedian, starred in "Citizen
Tramp," "The Tramp Who Knew Too Much" and "Silence
of the Tramps."
Peter Ustinov, 83: actor-director, won Oscar for "Spartacus"
and "Spartacus 2: Caligula's Beach Blanket Toga Party."
Edie Adams, 73: singer-actress, starred in "Edie Rider"
and "The Big Edie."
Bobby Vinton, 69: singer, best known for "Noses Are
Red (My Love)" and his sycophantic followup "Noses
Are Brown."
Ellen Barkin, 49: actress, starred in "The Big Sleazy."
Jimmy Osmond, 41: singer, hit #648 on the pop charts with
"I'm a Friggin' Osmond."
April 15
On this day in 1955, the first McDonald's restaurant opened
in Illinois, serving its famous pork burger, the Pig Mac.
On this day in 1912, responding to claims that the Titanic
luxury liner was "unsinkable," God dispatched it
to the bottom of the ocean.
On this day in 1959, Cuban leader Fidel Castro began a Goodwill
tour of the U.S., dropping used military fatigues and half-smoked
cigars into Goodwill boxes throughout the nation.
Today's Birthdays:
Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519): painter, best known for his
flatulent masterpiece "The Last Bean Supper."
Roy Clark, 71: musician, starred in the Jewish bluegrass
TV show "Hebrew Haw."
Claudia Cardinale, 66: actress, starred in "The Pink
Panther" and its violent African-American sequel "The
Black Panther."
Heloise, 53: columnist known for helpful "hints"
like never pour sulfuric acid onto your eyebrows.
Emma Thompson, 45: actress, starred with comedian Jerry Seinfeld
in "Much Ado About a Show About Nothing.
April 14
On this day in 1865, dismayed by poor gas mileage in his
Lincoln Town Car, John Wilkes Booth assassinated President
Lincoln at Ford's Theater.
On this day in 1910, William Howard Taft, the first president
to throw out the first baseball on Opening Day, injured his
rotator cuff and could not sign or veto legislation for three
months.
On this day in 1912, the Titanic struck an iceberg in the
Atlantic and began to sink. Within 24 hours Hollywood secured
the movie rights.
On this day in 1939, John Steinbeck first published his novel
"The Grapes of Wrath" after deleting two pivotal
simian characters from his original version, "The Apes
of Wrath."
On this day in 2000, protesters dumped manure on Pennsylvania
Avenue in Washington to protest decades of domestic and international
"bullshit."
Today's Birthdays:
Loretta Lynn, 69: country singer, best known for the hit
song "Coal Miner's Second Cousin Twice Removed."
Julie Christie, 64: starred in "Head & Shoulders
Anti-Dandruff Shampoo."
Pete Rose, 63: baseball great, Hall of Fame gambler.
Sarah Michelle Gellar, 27: actress, starred in "Buffy
the Satire Slayer."
April 13
On this day in 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated
the Jefferson Memorial to honor the work of legendary bluesman
Blind Lemon Jefferson.
On this day in 1958, Van Cliburn became the first American
to win the Tchaikovsky Piano Contest in Moscow, wowing judges
with his haunting rendition of "Chopsticks."
On this day in 1981, Washington Post reporter Janet Cooke
won a Pulitzer Prize for her story of an 8-year-old heroin
addict named "Jimmy," who it was later learned was
just a hallucination she saw while smoking some crack.
Today's Birthdays:
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826): U.S. president, ancestor of
George and Weezie Jefferson.
Butch Cassidy (1866-19??): gunfighter, spent his retirement
years on the lam with fellow outlaw Wyatt AARP.
Samuel Beckett (1906-1989): playwright, best known for his
cocaine-induced masterpiece "Waiting for Good Blow."
Jack Casady, 60: musician, pioneered rock music's "Civil
War sound" with his band Jefferson Davis Airplane.
Tony Dow, 59: actor, played Wally in "Leave it To Beaver,"
then moved into porn with films like "Me and the Beaver"
and "Leave it To Pussy."
April 12
On this day in 1934, F. Scott Fitzgerald published his appetizing
novel "Buffalo Chicken Tender Is the Night."
On this day in 1954, Bill Haley and the Comets recorded the
phallic rock anthem "Rock Around the Cock."
On this day in 1992, Euro Disneyland opened in France with
attractions like the Loony Louvre and Honey I Shrunk the Eiffel
Tower.
Today's Birthdays:
Tiny Tim (1932-1996): singer, best known for his agricultural
classic "Tiptoe Through the Parsnips."
John Kay, 60: rock musician with Steppenwolf, made die-hard
fans of interior decorators with hits like "Born To Be
Tiled" and "Tragic Carpet Slide."
Ed O'Neill, 58: actor, starred in "Harried ... With
Children."
David Letterman, 57: TV personality and noted quadruple bypass
enthusiast.
David Cassidy, 54: actor, starred opposite Jack Nicholson
in "One Flew Over the Partridge Nest."
Shannen Doherty, 33: actress, played a naughty opera diva
in "Beverly Sills 90210."
April 11
On this day in 1956, young Elvis topped the Billboard charts
with his acid indigestion ballad, "Heartburn Hotel."
On this day in 1921, Iowa imposed the nation's first cigarette
tax, but appeased smokers with coupons for future lung transplants
and chemotherapy.
On this day in 1974, the House Judiciary Committee subpoenaed
President Richard Nixon to produce his infamous Black Sabbath
tapes.
Today's Birthdays:
Dean Acheson (1893-1971): U.S. undersecretary of the understated.
Oleg Cassini, 91: fashion designer, creator of the three-piece
jockstrap.
Louise Lasser, Louise Lasser; 65, 65: actress, actress who
played "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman."
Ellen Goodman, 56: Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, broke
the story that the Nixon tapes included a bootleg of Elvis
doing "Watergate Hotel."
Bret Saberhagen, 40: former pro baseball player, his right
shoulder turns 61 next Monday.
April 10
On this day in 1967, Elizabeth Taylor won an Oscar for her
role as an embittered college football fan in "Who's
Afraid of Virginia Tech."
On this day in 1989, the Academy of Country Music named Alabama
best group of the 1980s; runner-up was the androgynous southern
star Boy Georgia.
On this day in 1925, F. Scott Fitzgerald published his classic
novel on feline urinary trouble "The Great Cat's Pee."
Today's Birthdays:
Omar Sharif, 72: actor, played a dashing bandleader in "Lawrence
Welk of Arabia" and "Doc Severinsen Zhivago."
John Madden, 68: sportscaster, leading English language authority
on usage of the word "boom."
Steven Seagal, 53, played a weak actor with a black belt
in "Revenge of the Pony Tail."
Mandy Moore, 20: singer, hit the charts with "Yet Another
Nubile Blond Teen."
April 9
On this day in 1963, British statesman Winston Churchill
was made an honorary U.S. citizen for his work as a spokesman
for Winston cigarettes.
On this day in 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee said "uncle"
to Union Gen. Ulysses S. Grant before surrendering his Confederate
armies at Appomattox.
Today's Birthdays:
W.C. Fields (1879-1946): actor, starred in "Never Give
a Trucker an Even Break."
Hugh Hefner, 78: septegenarian phallic symbol.
Dennis Quaid, 50: actor, played a football stadium ice cream
vendor in "Any Given Sundae."
Paulina Porizkova, 39: model, "Sports Illustrated"
featured her in a dental floss thong in the magazine's annual
porn edition.
April 8
On this day in 1963, Gregory Peck won an Oscar for his portrayal
of a sadistic ornithologist in "To Kill a Hummingbird."
On this day in 1946, the League of Nations dissolved and
was replaced by the poverty-stricken League of Haitians.
Today's Birthdays:
Buddha (563-463, B.C.): noted diety, enjoyed nibbling Gouda
while fishing for barracuda in Bermuda.
Betty Ford, 86: former first lady, founder of the Betty Ford
Clinique, offering rehab from addiction to ridiculously expensive
cosmetics.
John Schneider, 50: actor, starred as a redneck nerd in "The
Dorks of Hazzard."
Patricia Arquette, 36: actress, starred as a troubled girl
addicted to Elmer's in "Glue Romance."
April 7
On this day in 1862, Gen. Ulysses S. Grant used
the old "Hey, look over there" stratagem to defeat
the Confederate army at the Battle of Shiloh.
On this day in 1948, the World Health Organization was founded.
Its mission: "To wipe out the mumps in our lifetime."
On this day in 1970, John Wayne won his only Oscar, starring
opposite an animated teddy bear in "Pooh Grit."
Today's Birthdays:
Francis Ford Coppola, 65: filmmaker, directed Steve Martin
in "Godfather of the Bride."
Jackie Chan, 50: actor, starred in "Rumble in Tienenman
Square."
Russell Crowe, 40: actor, starred as a Nobel Prize-winning
mathematician who believes he is an Oscar-winning gladiator
in "A Beautiful Codpiece."
Victoria Adams Beckham, 29: pop singer with the DNA-clone
band Splice Girls.
April 6
On this day in 1909, arctic explorers Robert
E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson became the first men to reach
the North Pole, as part of man's quest to find Santa Claus.
On this day in 1917, the U.S. declared war on Germany and
promptly dispatched an elite squadron of "Pillsbury Doughboys"
to Europe.
On this day in 1992, the fossilized remains of Barney the
Dinosaur were found at an archaeological dig in the alley
behind PBS headquarters.
Today's Birthdays:
Andre "The Giant" Previn, 75: first composer to
pin the legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan.
Billy Dee Williams, 67: actor, starred in the futuristic
hillbilly movie "Return of the Jedi Clampetts."
Marilu Henner, 52: actress, starred as a stuffed chick in
"Taxidermy."
April 5
On this day in 1614, the Indian princess Pocahontas married
Virginia colonist John Rolfe after the bride signed a pre-nupital
agreement with a "no scalping" clause.
On this day in 1792, George Washington cast the first presidential
veto, nixing a bill that called for the president to mow the
White House lawn.
On this day in 1895, playwright Oscar Wilde lost his criminal
libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry, who accused
the writer of being a closet queensberry.
Today's Birthdays:
Bette Davis (1908-1989): actress, won the Oscar for "Dangerous
Lesions" and "Jezebel Gets the Clap."
Gregory Peck (1916-2003): actor, starred in the safe-sex
classics "Trojan Holiday" and "The Man in the
Gray Flannel Condom."
Colin Powell, 67: first Secretary of State whose name rhymes
with colon bowel.
April 4
On this day in 1850, Los Angeles was incorporated as a city
and soon became the nation's leading producer of celluloid
crap.
On this day in 1960, 11 Oscars were awarded to a film about
a grizzly bear who becomes a gladiator, "Gentle Ben-Hur."
On this day in 1949, the U.S. and 12 other nations signed
the PLATO treaty, ensuring that the North Atlantic would be
protected by benevolent Philosopher Kings.
Today's Birthdays:
Muddy Waters (1915-1983): legendary bluesman, honed his craft
at college fraternity parties where he originated the Delta
Gamma Delta style of blues.
Maya Angelou, 76: poet, best known for "I Know Why the
Caged White-Collar Jailbird Sings."
David E. Kelley, 48: TV producer, hits include the Shakespearean
sitcom "Ally MacBeth."
Robert Downey Jr., 39: actor, played a drug-crazed ape in
"Natural Born Gorillas."
April 3
On this day in 1860, mail delivery for rich people came into
being with the legendary Polo Pony Express.
On this day in 1948, President Truman signed the Marshmallow
Plan, which distributed more then 5 billion Sta-Puff marshmallows
to war-torn European nations.
On this day in 1953, the first issue of TV Guide featured
Sen. Joseph McCarthy promoting his new sitcom, "Those
Wacky Communists."
Today's Birthdays:
Washington Irving (1783-1859): author, penned the classic
tale of a headless astronaut, "The Legend of Sleepy Apollo."
Doris Day and Marlon Brando, 80: co-starred in the dark romantic
comedies "Mutiny in the Boudoir" and "Apocalypse
Pajamas."
Tony Orlando, 60: singer, teamed with Barney Fife in the
classic Las Vegas lounge act Tony Orlando and Don Knotts.
Eddie Murphy, 43: comedian, busted Brandon and Dylan in "Beverly
Hills Cop 90210."
April 2
On this day in 1513, Ponce de Leon claimed the Fountain of
Youth for Spain, sparking a battle with a retirees from upstate
New York in "The Metamucil Rebellion."
On this day in 1956, CBS premiered its new horticultural
soap operas "As the World Ferns" and "The Hedge
of Night."
On this day in 1982, Argentina seized the disputed Falkland
Islands from Great Britain and renamed them the F#*&$%d
Islands.
Today's Birthdays:
Giacomo Girolamo Casanova (1725-1798): noted swordsman and
founder of the Casanova Institute for Advanced Fornication.
Hans Christian Andersen (1805-1875): Danish storyteller,
author of "The Emperor's New Armani Suit" and "The
Princess and the Pea Brain."
Sir Alec Guinness (1914-2000): actor, starred in "Fridge
on the River Kwai."
Pamela Reed, 51: actress, played an ordinary housewife cooking
Thanksgiving dinner in outer space in "The Right Stuffing."
April 1
On this day in 1789, the U.S. House of Representatives held
its first full meeting and agreed to abide by Robert De Niro's
Rules of Order.
On this day in 1939, the Franco government in Spain announced
that its chief monetary unit would be the Franco-American
Spaghetti-O.
On this day in 1970, President Nixon signed a measure banning
cigarette advertising on radio and TV, despite intense lobbying
pressure by Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man.
Today's Birthdays:
Lon Chaney (1883-1930): actor, starred in "Leave it
to Werewolf," "Frankenstein Does Philly" and
"Bedtime for Dracula."
Debbie Reynolds, 72: actress, starred in "Mudslingin'
in the Rain."
Ali MacGraw, 65: greatest actress of all time (real name
- Cassius McGraw).
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