A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
 War
on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
the joke.
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
moron.
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."
Related story:
President
sends Wile E. Coyote on mission to nab bin Laden
 Kerry
claims proof Bush lied about Iraq
By John Breneman
A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic
evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando,
Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each
from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.
As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his
nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching
nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and
the real cost of Medicare.
A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of
the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for
the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose
may leave the president with as little as eight months to
lead.
Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months
to lead.
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But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed
that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably
doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing
of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.
Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge
the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement
of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually
a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld
and Dick Cheney.
President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained
Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's
weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory
would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent
Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.
Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called
to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's
own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."
However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is
unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains
strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position
and called for an anti-gay marriage
amendment to the Constitution.
The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic
tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about
everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims
and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about
threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the
truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).
Related story:
Kerry
won't apologize for calling Bush team a lying 'posse of thugs'
Cracking down on the boob tube
Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission
urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word
and the First Amendment..
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By John Breneman
The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard
on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe
malfunctions" with stiff penal action.
Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial
topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum
fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her
(bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.
The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717)
imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and
fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus
H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms,
fudge and fizzuck.
The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word
on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with
soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone
else's -- must film a public service announcement warning
young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.
"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of
Janet Jackson's mammary
gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.),
interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a
New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying
to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.
Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission
(FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word,
the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.
Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and
43 minutes of television each day, during which time they
witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing
morons pretending to deliver "news."
This is OK.
But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh
on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and
potty mouth among viewers under age 15.
Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's
ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome
family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous
politician.
Tyco party animal throws courtroom bash
 By
John Breneman
Tyco tycoon Dennis Kozlowski celebrated the
mistrial on his $600 million corporate heist with a wild party
that gave members of the jury a taste of his obscenely lavish
lifestyle. Infamous juror #4 signaled her approval with a
double thumbs up.
As jurors viewed a PowerPoint video of
the $2 million birthday bash he threw for his wife, the corporate
party animal inhaled a plate of jumbo shrimp cocktail, laughed,
belched, farted, then wiped his pig-like face with a $3,000
Gucci handkerchief.
Prosecutors say the lavish toga party symbolizes
the gluttonous corporate excess perpetrated by the former
Tyco CEO and former finance chief Mark Swartz, accused of
looting the company of $600 million.
The charges -- larceny, conspiracy, securities
fraud and multiple counts of being a flaming asshole -- did
not appear to faze Kozlowski, accompanied in court by his
attorneys and an unidentified man-servant who fed him peeled
grapes and Dom Perignon.
The tape showed scantily clad gladiators and
gladiatrixes frolicking about the pool and a replica of Michelangelo's
David pissing cold vodka. The birthday Bacchanalia also featured
a performance by Jimmy Buffett, who sang 'Lobster Thermidor
in Paradise.'
Kozlowski is seen on the video telling his guests,
"It's going to be a fun week -- sailing, fornicating,
drinking vodka from a statue's genitalia, wiping our asses
with other people's money -- all the things we are best known
for.'
Much later a drunken Kozlowski, stripped to
his $15,000 Armani gold lamé underpants, is seen chanting
'Toga! Toga!! TOGA!!!' and smashing a bottle of 1902 Chateau
Lafite Rothschild over his head.
Upon seeing himself on screen, Kozlowski convulsed
with laughter and coughed up a chunk of his foot-long beluga
caviar sub.
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This
is a cause that calls for hype. Steroid-fueled World Rhetoric
Foundation megahype. This is Stone-Cold Al Franken vs. Stone-Stoned
Limbaugh in a high-frequency smackdown! Don't touch that dial!
CANCER
(June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial
situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving
today. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.
