By John Breneman

Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?

You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?

Well, now you can. At BushBops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.

In this corner … from Crawford,
Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! …
W! …BUSH!!!

And in this corner … from Main
Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore … YOU!

It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
fib-nose.

A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda
Been a Contender” Kerry.

But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.

Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.

No boxing experience necessary. Bring
him on!

Environmental retard

By
John Breneman

President Bush marked Earth Day by announcing a new environmental
initiative with his pal Prince Bandar. Under the plan, Bandar
will whack a few pennies from the price of crude if Bush promises
to clean up any messes involving the Saudi royal family.

Meanwhile, John Kerry charged that Bush’s war on the environment
will launch 21 tons more pollution into the atmosphere, trigger
millions of asthma attacks and help cause up to 100,000 premature
deaths. Kerry said Bush gutted the nation’s environmental
laws with his own bare hands, raped virgin wetlands and defecated
on decades of progress made since the first Earth Day in 1970.

The president, who bombed as an oil company executive, defended
his petroleum-based ecological record during an ecosystem-op
at a Maine nature preserve. Bush, who at one point seemed
to confuse the terms "E. Coli" and "e-cology,"
made a fake promise to restore and protect 3 million acres
of wetlands then relaxed by burning up the waters off Kennebunkport
in his dad’s cigarette boat.

Asked
about the threat of mercury, Bush said his intelligence shows
Mercury is not a threat because it has no weapons of mass
destruction. He added that if he thought it would buy him
a couple thousand votes, he’d pledge to put a man on Mercury
by 2006.

Bush explained that environmental protection plays a key
role in our economic and political system. By whining for
laws regulating pollution, environmentalists spur a multibillion-dollar
industry funded by energy lobbyists funneling cash to politicians
who will keep the world safe for Arctic degradation.

Critics claim the president, an "environmental retard"
who has let corporate super-polluters rewrite the nation’s
environmental laws, is drooling to drill up the Arctic National
Wildlife Refuge.

But Bush countered that opponents of unrestrained drilling
are not very patriotic. "We must always take clean air
and water for granted," the president concluded, "and
stay the course against environmental extremists who threaten
our oil supply."

Earth
Day 2002: Bush declares War on Environment

People
mag names top 50 pretty people

By
John Breneman

People magazine today released its annual list of "The
50 Most Beautiful People," with a beautiful cover photo
of the beautiful Jennifer Aniston. A spokesman said the beautiful
"Friends" co-star was selected because she is "very
beautiful." Aniston was chosen for the honor despite
a disfiguring facial scar, a giant wart and a blacked-out
tooth.

Also high on the list, celebrity couple Jessica Simpson and
Nick Lachey, who are on the verge of setting a record by being
on television non-stop, every single minute, for 543 days.
Strangely, Simpson also sported blacked-out teeth, prompting
style experts to speculate this may be the start of a major
fashion trend.

Simpson
made no effort to conceal a forehead scar that marked the
site of her recent brain surgery. The fabulous and famously
dizzy celebrity wife also appeared to have scars in the region
of her cleavage, while celebrity husband Lachey sported a
black "death hood" along with his own jaunty blacked-out
tooth and crisp white blood-stained shirt.

The magazine’s annual salute to society’s obsession with
superficial good looks also featured a man whose previously
hideous appearance was radically altered on the TV show "Extreme
Makeovers." Ray Pugnant leaped to #32 from his previous
ranking of #2,647,326,891.

This year People also published several spinoffs to its popular
"50 Most Beautiful People" issue. Ben Affleck ranked
#1 on the list of "50 Least Talented Actors Raking in
Millions" and Jennifer Lopez topped the list of "50
Most Over-Rated Big-Assed Celebrity Bitches."

The
magazine also honored President
George W. Bush, who topped the list of "50 Most Powerful
People to Launch and Then Botch an Unnecessary War After Choking
on a Pretzel," and Michael
Jackson, first among the "50 Most Disturbing Former
African-Americans." Bush also ranked #1 on the list of
"50 Most Annoying Smirks You’d Like to Smack Off Someone’s
Face."

Related stories:
People magazine’s
"50 Most Insignificant People"
Parade
magazine’s "What People Earn"

Gazette writer admits fabricating stories

By John Breneman

The Humor Gazette today accepted the resignation
of star reporter Arturo Dimanche after it was revealed the
five-time Pulitzer Prize nominee fabricated his most sensational
fake news exclusives.

The revelation casts doubt on Dimanche’s report
that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas flashed the Republicans
an "OK" sign before voting with the 5-4 majority
to give George W. Bush the 2000 election. Also now under suspicion,
his ominous August 2001 interview with Osama bin Laden’s former
butler.

Editors at the Gazette said the final straw
came when a disheveled Dimanche stumbled into the newsroom
reeking of single-malt aftershave, saying he’d "just
flown in on the 8:15 from Afghanistan" with a scoop that
Jacko was harboring Osama and plying him with "Allah
juice" in a secret room at Neverland II in the mountains
west of Kabul.

Mindful of the recent journalism scandals involving
Jayson Blair of the New York Times and Jack Kelley of USA
Today, editors questioned him about the reliability of his
information. Dimanche feigned indignation and said he was
ready to blow the lid off a scandal linking Harken and Halliburton
and Saudi slush funds to a White House scheme to let oil despoil
the political environment.

As Dimanche chattered on about Martha Stewart’s
sumptuous Nigerian yellow cake and Donald Rumsfeld’s secret
stash of weapons of mass destruction, the rogue reporter was
confronted with a $1,400 expense account tab for a large pepperoni
delivered to his New York apartment from Slobo’s Pizza in
the former Yugoslavia.

A subsequent investigation revealed "irregularities"
in his reporting on Dick Cheney’s undisclosed love bunker
and George W. Bush’s malignant fib-nose.
Even his acclaimed his four-part series on journalistic integrity
was found to contain phony quotes attributed to Walter Cronkite,
Roger Mudd and Geraldo Rivera.

The Gazette announced it has withdrawn past
Pulitzer nominations for Dimanche’s graphic account of an
Al Qaeda recruitment toga party and his spellbinding feature
on an 8-year-old heroin-addicted millionaire day trader named
Lil G.

His editors say, in retrospect, they should
have noticed red flags like his tendency to file stories datelined
from around the globe within 15 minutes of leaving the newsroom.
One editor now admits he should have been more suspicious
when Dimanche said he was calling from a firefight in war-torn
Kosovo, but the background sounded more like a big-screen
football party in a crowded bar.

As the trail of deception unraveled the Gazette
discovered Dimanche also falsified his resume, listing a Ph.D.
from the prestigious-sounding but nonexistent Harvard School
of Journalism when, in fact, he dropped out of 9th grade after
being caught plagiarizing a report on "Honest Abe"
Lincoln.

His claims to have been a former New York Times
reporter, a military intelligence expert and heir to the Grey
Poupon mustard fortune, also proved false.

Dimanche now plans to hit the talk-show circuit
promoting his new book "Lying Lies I Told You Gullible
Morons." And though he claims to take "personal
responsibility" for his transgressions, the fabricateur
du jour devotes much of his memoir to blaming undiagnosed
bipolar agoraphobia, booze, drugs and a basic American lust
for fame and money.

To prevent future abuses of the public trust,
the Humor Gazette has instituted new policies that involve
scrapping the once-useful honor system in favor random urine,
DNA and polygraph testing. The paper is continuing its probe
into the record of disgraced fake journalist Arturo Dimanche.

War hero attacked by war zero

By
John Breneman
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came under
enemy fire from Vice President Dick Cheney, who unleashed
a brazen daylight assault on the status of the war hero’s
medals.

Cheney counted on the element of surprise, knowing that a
man who was injured fighting for freedom in Vietnam would
never expect to have his Purple Heart attacked by a guy who
blatantly ducked the war.

Pundits questioned the strategy of having a war coward question
the courage of a war hero, but political psychoanalysts say
this is just further evidence that the White House is run
by arrogant chickenhawks who think the American people are
stupid enough to buy anything they say.

Kerry did not respond by calling Cheney "a
stinking load of ass dirt," but he did call upon
President Bush to prove that he actually served in the National
Guard while hiding from Vietnam. The challenged has renewed
questions about whether the president
also evaded Boy Scout duty.

In other White House news, the Supreme Court might make Dick
Cheney spill the beans about his double-secret energy club.
Critics have sued for the release of information, saying Cheney
let energy companies and other big campaign donors help draft
energy policy designed to line their pockets.

Fortunately Cheney’s hunting pal, Justice Antonin Scalia,
has refused to recuse himself from the case. No word on whether
Scalia plans to brandish his duck rifle to defend Cheney’s
right to screw the public in private.

Finally, Cheney and his lifelike sidekick, President George
W. Bush, spent some of the day getting ready for their joint
appearance before the 9/11 commission. Bush sat on Cheney’s
knee and practiced grinning, while Cheney stuck his meaty
paw up the back of Bush’s shirt to gain control of his vocal
cords.

When asked why the two insist on appearing together before
the panel rather than individually, the president said, "Duh.
To answer their questions?" (See "Bush
in-your-faced the nation")

When asked why he refused to answer the question about why
the president and vice president insist on appearing together
before the 9/11 panel rather than individually,
the president refocused his smirk and said, "Duh. To
answer their questions?"

When asked a third time why he was insulting the American
people by pretending not to understand a simple question they’d
like to hear answered, Bush refocused his smirk and said,
"Something will pop into my head."

President to appoint Iraq czar

By
John Breneman

With the June 30 deadline for his make-believe transfer of
power looming, President Bush today announced he will appoint
an "Iraq czar" to help find a taker for that smoking
terror-pit of a country.

In an unrelated move, Halliburton has announced the creation
of a tax-exempt "sovereign entity" division.

Bush has vowed he won’t give control of Iraq to some "Joe
al-Tikrit off the street." He said democratic elections
must be held "so Mohammed Q. Public and Mustafa Six-Pack
can taste the freedom endowed on them by our Almighty."
Freedom to vote between two men who spend millions attacking
and distorting each other’s character.

Pundits say appointing a czar demonstrates the president
"means business" about completing Iraq’s transformation
from a repressive dictatorship to an unstable Islamocratic
sovereign entity that doesn’t mind having George Bush as its
boss.

Political historians note the czar has enjoyed a prominent
role in American politics since Thomas Jefferson was named
Independence czar in the run-up to the war with Great Britain.

Since then U.S. presidents have favored two primary strategies
to confront daunting social and political issues. One is to
declare "war" on them ("War on Poverty,"
"War on Illiteracy," etc.). The other is to appoint
a "czar."

With his war-mongering skills under fire, the president is
looking for a dependable czar, preferably a real consensus
builder like Newt Gingrich or Henry Kissinger.

Sources say the president likes the czar idea so much that
he plans to appoint several dozen czars in the coming weeks.
Leading candidates for the czar slots are those who have raised
$100,000 or more for the re-election effort.

The Humor Gazette has obtained the following "short
list" of potential new czar-level appointments:

Prescription Drug Czar

Medicare Czar

Obscenity Czar

Obesity Czar

Tax Cut Czar

Marital Sanctity Czar

Credibility Czar

Propaganda Czar

Spin Czar

Attack Ad Czar

Military Intelligence Czar

Artificial Intelligence Czar

Lo-Carb Czar

Energy Czar

Patriotism Czar

Bin
Laden releases tape on his new label

By
John Breneman

In an audiotape offering a terror truce to European countries
that pull their troops from Muslim nations, Osama bin Laden
also suggested he might also be willing to ease up a little
if he could just get a thick juicy steak and a hot shower.

C.I.A. analysts say the tape is probably authentic because
they also picked up some chatter indicating the scrawny terrorist
is down to his last case of SPAM. However, there is still
a 1 percent chance the voice is that of entertainer Pee-Wee
Herman.

President Bush issued orders to "smoke him out"
and asked whether the tape could in any way be linked to Saddam
Hussein. Bush added, "Did he say anything about where
the weapons of mass destruction might be hidden?"

Meanwhile, the Humor Gazette released an audiotape carrying
the following message: "Attention Osama bin Laden, you
murderous sack of maggot dung. Come out of your maggot dung-infested,
urine-drenched rat cave with your hands up so we can riddle
your gutless scum-carcass with 10,000 virgin bullets, you
(five-second delay) hump of rabid dog mess."

The C.I.A. said further evidence of the bin Laden tape’s
authenticity was that it referred to recent events such as
the Easter Bunny plot and
President Bush dropping a comic bomb
with his jokes about weapons of mass destruction.

"That Bush, he slays me," bin Laden said on his
latest tape, released under his new insurgent Muslim extremist
hiphop record label, Afghanistan Gangsta. The recording also
has a digitally remastered version of "Osama Said Knock
You Out."

The C.I.A. would not comment on a rumor it has recruited
the rapper 50 Cent to "roll" over to Afghanistan
and "off" that "punk-ass terrorist mutha fucka."

It’s TV-Turnoff Week: Survival tips below

The television lights up the average U.S. home for 7 hours
40 minutes a day. Participation in the annual TV-Turnoff
Week (April 19-25) is expected to top 7.6 million people
this year. Below are some tips on passing the time without
turning on the tube:

Work on the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

Film the baby kicking someone in the groin for "America’s
Funniest Home Videos."

Go see "Starsky & Hutch" at the theater.

Gather the family around the table for some Kentucky Fried
Chicken.

Draw a picture of Bill O’Reilly shouting at a liberal.

Send a note urging the FCC not to cut back too
much on sex and violence.

Make origami Muppets.

Play computer solitaire until you lose track of time.

Go window shopping for a 64-inch high-definition TV.

Write a letter to a TV icon like Geraldo Rivera.

Play the home version of Wheel of Fortune.

Bake a pan of "SpongeBob SquarePants" marshmallow
treats.

Get some lighter fluid and re-enact some stunts from "Jackass."

Send a pledge to Pat Robertson at the 700 Club.

Talk with Grammy about the time she saw the Beatles on "Ed
Sullivan."

Write a humorous skit for your Simpsons action figures.

Suppress the inner voices telling you to flick on the tube.

Ponder the existential question: Why does everybody love
Raymond?

Call for free tickets to "The Daily Show."

Think up an idea for a new reality show involving sex, humiliation
and deception.

Construct a "Meet the Press" diorama.

Compile your own list of 100 Most Outrageous Celebrity Moments.

Dust off your Soloflex and get six-pack abs.

Scan the night sky for that thing you saw on "Nova."

Listen to NASCAR on the radio.

Sizzle up some burgers for the gang on a George Foreman grill.

Write haiku poetry about "The Sopranos."

Speak to your doctor about new prescription Cialis.

* Additional TV-Turnoff Week programming (To Be Announced)

President tells nation, ‘I’m sure something will pop into my head’

By
John Breneman

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay
the course.

His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine.
The president had successfully ducked one question about whether
he’d made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another
about "personal responsibility for September 11th."

He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice,
when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president
insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead
of individually.

George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from
the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck
of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished"
banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening’s attire,
the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White
House play closet.

President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed
the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting
to India if the violence does not abate.

He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr.
President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over
to on June 30th?"

BUSH (actual words): "We’ll find that out soon. That’s
what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He’s figuring out the nature of
the entity we’ll be handing sovereignty over."

See, Brahimi is on it. He’s gonna let us know. No truth to
the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton
for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.

Once the entity is identified and order restored it will
be safe to implement the president’s time-tested economic
development strategy — distribute generous tax breaks to
the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate
friends with addresses in the Bahamas.

Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming
out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place."
And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked
out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty
darn significant."

But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question.
Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake
be … and what lessons have learned from it?"

BUSH (actual words): "I wish you’d have given me this
written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John,
I’m sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could’ve
done it better this way or that way. You know, I just — I’m
sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of
this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to
come up with answer, but it hadn’t yet. …"

"I hope — I don’t want to sound like I have made no
mistakes. I’m confident I have. I just haven’t — you just
put me under the spot here, and maybe I’m not as quick on
my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

And don’t get him started on those weapons of mass destruction.
"They could still be there. They could be hidden, like
the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of
Col. Gadhafi’s leftovers found in Libya.

Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals
that President Bush favors the word "course" because
it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting
golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the
course" because it’s stuck in his head from hearing Dana
Carvey poke fun at his pop.

"Stay the course" means never having to say you’re
sorry, never having to answer any question you don’t want
to.

Stay the course, and you’ll probably find those weapons after
all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators
you promised yourself way back when.

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the
course?

Easter
Bunny held for questioning

By John Breneman

U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor
deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about
a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation’s
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday.

But sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim
he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in
Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52
million counts of contributing to the obesity of a minor.

The alleged incarceration of the Easter Bunny (aka Peter
Cotton-Tail) has already become politicized. Critics charge
that the Bush administration was slow to guard against the
threat that gut-busting quantities of chocolate might be deployed,
on a sacred religious holiday no less, despite a March 6 Presidential
Daily Briefing (PDB) entitled "Easter Bunny determined
to strike in U.S."

"We should have been on pastel alert," said White
House heckler Adolf W. Bush. "The president should have
been more vigilant about the national obesity epidemic that
makes our soft underbelly particularly vulnerable to, say,
a giant milk chocolate rabbit, fistfuls of jelly beans or
a gaggle of glistening marshmallow peeps."

But National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice appeared on
Oprah, Regis and Saturday Night Live to defend the president,
saying, "No one could have imagined terrorists using
candy as a weapon."

Rice admitted there was some heightened chatter in the months
leading up to Easter, but most of it non-specific fragments
like "Hippity hop bunny trail," "dye, eggs,
dye" and "mother of all chocolate Jesuses."

Santa
eyed for Cabinet post
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar