Trump to Bush: 'You're fired'

By John Breneman

Donald Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom today to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of America Inc.

"You're fired."

The superstar New York developer cushioned the blow by saying he might be able to find something for Bush as a mid-level executive in one of his shell companies or perhaps "clearing brush" outside one of his skyscrapers.

"For a guy with a bachelor's from Yale and an MBA from Harvard, you don't have much sense, do you?" said Trump, who seemed to enjoy making Bush squirm a bit before dropping the axe on the slack-jawed former president.

Trump said Bush had already been on thin ice for leading his organization into an expensive, high-risk war that offered little potential for return on the massive investment of taxpayer money.

But the final straw was this week's bogus White House projection that the economy would add 2.6 million new jobs this year, an erroneously optimistic number that Bush and administration officials have been forced to scramble away from.

After sleeping on what he said was a difficult decision, the man known as "The Donald" he woke up, dragged a $6,000 Armani comb through his fabulous hair helmet and ordered his helicopter pilot, Jeeves, to zoom down to Washington to give "The Dubya" his walking papers.

Trump, who briefly explored a presidential run in 1999, said he would consider filling in as interim president, as long as he didn't have to take orders from Vice President Dick Cheney like Bush does.

The star of the hot new reality TV show, "The Apprentice," Trump furthered justified sacking the president by saying that, under Bush, the federal deficit is expanding almost as fast as his own gargantuan ego.

In the end, Trump concluded, he had little choice but to can Bush "despite all those crazy tax cuts he dishes out for insanely wealthy guys like me."

Bush vows to stop 'Yankee madman'

By John Breneman

Citing his brazen acquisition of the most powerful weapon in all of baseball, President Bush today called New York Yankees dictator George Steinbrenner an "imminent threat" to America's national pastime.

Bush said the only way to deal with Steinbrenner, who shocked the nation this weekend by adding Alex Rodriguez to his already devastating arsenal, is to "take him out."

"Make no mistake, the Yankee madman now has the capability to wipe out the hopes and dreams of entire cities," said Bush, adding that a pre-emptive military strike may be the only way to topple the Steinbrenner regime.

Economic sanctions like baseball's luxury tax have failed to stop Steinbrenner from stockpiling an offensive juggernaut so powerful that it threatens to destroy America's sacred national game, the president said, so it is time to "smoke him out" of his heavily fortified compound at Yankee Stadium.

Though critics have called for diplomacy, baseball analyst Peter Gammons said Bush is itching to attack Steinbrenner's so-called Bronx Bombers with a squadron of F/A-18E fighter jets.

CIA and FBI analysts failed to pick up any "chatter" about Steinbrenner's bombshell move, but the president said there is plenty of "dang good intelligence" to support his call for military action.

"We know he has acquired arms from communist Cuba. Now he has the 'A-Bomb'," said Bush. "Plus a source in the British government has learned he even poisoned thousands of his own people with hot dogs slathered in mustard gas."

Steinbrenner issued a statement saying he defeated Bush when the future president served as managing general partner of the Texas Rangers from 1989-1994 and is not intimidated. He dismissed the White House rhetoric as "bush league."

President may have evaded Boy Scout service

By John Breneman

WASHINGTON -- New allegations have emerged regarding President Bush's service in uniform, this time involving his record in the Boy Scouts of America.

As critics hammer him over whether he evaded his duties in the National Guard, the president now faces tough questions about whether he actually earned several merit badges that have been awarded to him.

Bush is an outspoken supporter of the Boy Scouts and also serves as the organization's honorary president, but there is mounting evidence that he may have completely "blown off" the respected character-building organization as a youth.

A former Texas scoutmaster says he has no recollection of Bush ever having served in his troop and could produce no records that the future president was ever issued a uniform or penknife.

Nevertheless, Bush reportedly has received merit badges for Citizenship, Emergency Preparedness and Public Speaking. Critics charge that Bush's possession of the badges is a slap in the face to thousands of diligent young scouts who have earned them fair and square.

Eagle Scout Jimmy Barton, 16, of Whittler, Texas, said he guesses the president could make a case he earned the badges through his later service to the country, but he is not convinced.

"Citizenship and Emergency Preparedness I could understand, but Public Speaking? Please," said Barton. "I think he should give them back unless he wants to do the work. I had to report 15 suspicious neighbors to the Justice Department to get my Emergency Preparedness badge."

Bush responded to the allegations on "Meet the Press," saying, "I would be careful to not denigrate the Boy Scouts. It's fine to go after me, which I expect the other side will do. I wouldn't denigrate service to the Scouts, though."

Earlier today, the White House released dental records showing Bush had received treatment for a cavity caused by eating toasted marshmallows at a Boy Scout jamboree in 1960.