By John Breneman
Sometimes, Jay mused to himself as he scanned the sports
page on a blustery mid-February morning, life just isn't fair.
Here it was, almost Valentine's Day, and he was feeling more
than a bit lonely and depressed that all his relationships
had basically failed, even the ones he'd truly hoped would
Sure, plenty of people have worse problems. But he wondered
why he couldn't seem to find someone who is gorgeous and brilliant,
funny and athletic, wholesome and sensual?
Someone who likes to curl up with the Sunday paper and coffee.
Someone to share life's trials, tribulations, and triumphs.
Someone who would rather make passionate love than read about
it in Cosmo. Someone without a criminal record, or an ill-tempered
German shepherd named Cupid.
Just last night, he'd met a nice woman at "Loserz,"
the nightclub he often visited for Rolling Rock and rejection.
He offered up one of his best lines -- "Hi, live around
here often?" -- and asked her to dance. But, of course,
she shot him down.
Later, while the surgeon was removing a .38-caliber slug
from his right shoulder, Jay couldn't help feeling a little
bummed. Still, he was proud that he only missed half a day
of work, despite a persistent tingling sensation in his middle
Sitting at his boring desk in the boring insurance company
he'd slaved for since dropping out of college, Jay tugged
at his tie, which always seemed a bit too tight, and drifted
off into a depressing daydream about the women he'd dated,
and what went wrong...
There was Svetlana, whose parents named her after an obscure
Russian gymnast. But Sweaty, as he affectionately called her,
defected to the Commonwealth of Independent States to free
herself from parental oppression.
There was Desiree. She was perfect, and she seemed to love
him. Unfortunately, she was much too beautiful for Jay, who
spent much of his time worrying about losing her to someone
more handsome, athletic, and masculine. Then one Thursday
she announced she was leaving him for a chain-smoking lung
cancer research technician named Gladys.
Oh and Penelope, the free-spirited astrology buff (a Gemini)
who believed in Santa Claus (swore he was a Leo) and wore
a garlic pendant to ward off disease, misery, pestilence and
her evil twin sister Chakra. Penny died tragically one morning,
crushed by a wayward bungee jumper after forgetting to read
Sandy loved nature, long walks on the beach, picnics and
entomology, but she ended up joining the Peace Corps to work
on an ant farm somewhere near Botswana.
Something jolted Jay back to reality just as he was spilling
some hot coffee onto his lap.
"Celtics lose again," said the sports page. Yeah,
but at least they have wives and girlfriends, he grumbled,
and they make big money just for playing basketball. Jay began
to think he should start reading Cosmo instead of the sports
He looked up and was startled to see Melissa, the attractive
new account executive, standing in front of his desk. She
After spilling some more coffee onto his lap, Jay popped
two Certs into his mouth and let the invigorating retsin take
over. Melissa agreed to join him for dinner that evening.
Later, as they sat at a quiet table stirring their drinks,
things really seemed to be going well. Melissa was articulate
and sensitive, and came from a nice functional family.
"Hey," she whispered, leaning across the table
with a strange gleam in her eye, "did I ever tell you
about my ex-boyfriend Ludwig, the psychotic rock-opera composer
and Vietnam vet who did time for napalming a guy that asked
me out to dinner?"
Note: Adult situations, nudity and language unsuitable
for a family Web site have been painstakingly edited from
'Friends' cameo may boost president's approval
By John Breneman
that TV can reverse his sagging approval rating, President
Bush's handlers have arranged for Sunday's unusual appearance
on "Meet the Press" to be followed this Thursday
by a surprise cameo on "Friends."
Eager to help the amiable chief executive, Ross uses his
scientific knowledge to offer theories on what became of the
weapons of mass destruction while Chandler quips that Saddam
Hussein either flushed them down the toilet during a U.S.
raid or "his dog ate them."
Bush's approval mark dipped to 48 percent this week as more
people realized they don't appreciate it when their president
tells them something as "fact" (Iraq's possession
of weapons) that is actually a "load of crap."
The president, also dogged by his sketchy record of service
in the National Guard, could gain a 7-8 percent bump in the
polls if he did a guest spot on "JAG" outfitted
in, say, a military flightsuit. This idea from his chief TV
adviser was one of several detailed in a confidential memo
obtained by the Humor Gazette.
Bush has been asked to appear on "Hardball with Chris
Matthews," but the memo advises he is better suited to
"Softball with Larry King." The president will avoid
"This Week With George Stephanopoulos" in favor
of some voter-friendly mugging on "This Week With George
Foreman." The memo also reveals Bush ordered his aides
not to book him on "Face the Damn Nation."
White House advisers even strategized about a reality show
but agreed they didn't want Bush anywhere near Donald Trump.
Discussions of a new program called "Joe President,"
in which a failed businessman from a prominent political family
ruins the U.S. economy and turns much of the world against
America, were quickly scuttled.